Swelltide.

Good, God. How busy I've been. School, work. Life.

Finals this week, and Monday. It's been really rough as everyone around me knows. I do not handle stress well.

I would like to know when I became such a perfectionist. In high school, or in college when I was getting my associates-- I sure as hell didn't seem to stress grades, tests and assignments like I do now. Can't help but feeling like I am at a disadvantage. With being older, and being bipolar. Constantly struggling to work up the energy. Or, to get sleep when I need to. Or to focus. I guess it is a good thing I care more now. Though, you wouldn't be able to tell it by my grades. Subpar, in my own opinion.

"Just do your best..." I hear it all the time. Especially when I'm running in circles or pacing because of frustration, or having lost something-- or stress. Exams are going to kill me. But, I have the end of the semester, quickly approaching, to look forward to.

My sister is having my new nephew tonight. Which is also endlessly frustrating. I could be there with the family but-- have a chemistry final to study for. I hope she understands. I hope she forgives me. That's the other thing about this 'condition'. Guilt. guilt. guilt. I am not alone in that, I know. As, my months of homework revealed when I was first diagnosed. But, I hate it. As if I didn't need another reason to be upset or unhappy with myself.

Enough so, that on  the night before a big exam I find myself writing bullshit on the internet rather than studying. It sucks.