Swelltide.

Still, no medication. I have attempted to contact the shrink, a few times, and haven't gotten a call back. Has everything to do with me not having insurance at the moment, I'm sure. Figures. I have been fairly well. Busy, but still fighting with myself to get things done. I procrastinate, and it seems harder and harder to get myself motivated. To study. To clean. To do what needs to be done. We went for a night drive last night and inwardly I was fighting the urge to be at home. I manage to do it. Just seem to fight myself along the way.

Went up to the house to visit with mom and dad for a bit, tonight. Which was okay. Mom and the girlfriend started talking about the mother of my nephew. Apparently she called mom and started talking about her daughter, who is no relation. Being combative. Being difficult. Teenage stuff. A girl that my mom has knocked since she split with my brother. Suddenly, mom is defensive about this girl-- who is completely self-absorbed. Immature. Overly-dramatic. Probably not a great mother.

Now, I have made a lot of progress on the family front, but with my parents-- thinking about parenting in any way gets me going on this semi-obsessive cascade of... rawness, emotion. Something. I guess that is what it takes to get into my mother's good graces. Seeking her to be motherly. Allowing her to feel superior in some way? Reaching out? Of course, mom would be defensive to this absurd girl. They are a lot alike.

She, mom, is such an emotional child. I feel guilty for even putting it that way. Granted, she has been through a lot of shit, and I acknowledge that but she refuses to. She refuses to deal with it in any way. When I went to her, told her about being bipolar (like other big talks that we've had) she just shut down. She doesn't know how she really feels at any given time. This is has been an enormous rift between us. I don't feel as though I can approach her with emotional stuff. Partly, because I don't think she would really understand it and partly because I feel like she doesn't really deserve it. What a terrible thing to say about your own mother...

Which, is part of a much longer story. My father? He is the overly-devoted husband. Passive. Peace-keeper. Bread-winner. I'm not a kid anymore. The truth is neither of them really owe me anything. Other than maybe an honest conversation, which is unlikely to ever happen.

I think that the healthiest thing that I could do for myself, and for my girlfriend, is to get away from it. Get away from being made to feel obligated, guilty and blah blah blah. I already feel a little better, just writing about it.