Swelltide.

Even the closest people to me don't often know the extent of my worry, fear and depression. Rightfully so, maybe.

I am not capable of feeling much of anything at times. Numb is too mild of a word-- oblivious would be better. Void. Null. I could receive the world's best, or worse, news and the real emotional impact would be nothing. I have felt this way for the last several days. Being around family. Having semi-meaningful conversation with friends. I am finding meaning nor contentment in anything at the moment.

I have decided to take a break from school this fall. Whatever it might do to my getting the classes that I need later. I could use being able to spend a little money when I wish to. Saving money. Having the time and resources to do the things that I want to do.

I have also decided not to pursue therapy any longer. I get little out of it, beyond having the privilege of paying someone to listen to all of my petty problems. Not to say that for some it doesn't serve a purpose. Honestly, I think I just haven't had great luck finding the right shrink, but I don't have the time or money to shop around. I have, and have little to show for it. Not any sense of emotional growth or breakthrough.

Swelltide.

I am a little disappointed. Only a little.

Did my marketplace shopping for health care. My state has declined the expansion of Medicaid. Now that I'm back in school and not making a lot of money, I would qualify. If, medicaid wasn't reserved here for people with children. I was hopeful that I might be able to go back to the doc on a somewhat regular basis. To get back on my medication. Maybe see if there was something different that I could take. Something better.

The good news is, I don't have to pay a fine as the state isn't expanding. I actually see nothing wrong with this. The push for health care, which I feel like needs to happen, must be all or nothing. I fail to understand how we can afford to spend so much on bombs and cruiser ships, meanwhile there are people who are wanting at home. I know there are abuses in the system, but there always will be regardless of what system is in place. Anyway, the only solution as I see it-- everyone gets health care bought and paid for, or we go back to the way it was. Think on that, and try to keep in mind that the health of the public is sliding. Compared to nations in the world, the US is nowhere near the top concerning health care (and a lot of other things).

Stressed. A test of sorts tomorrow, and one on wed. We have no money, and bills are due. I need to go into work and it seems like they have some things that I could come in and take care of, but I need to study also.

Swelltide.

Class starts tomorrow and there nothing to be done. Nothing needing to be done. I am not anxious, or excited-- as I have been in the past. Seems to be just another thing, which is a welcome change.

Still no medication. I have signed up for the government health care, and was dismayed by the price of the supposed affordable health insurance. So, I will wait. I live in a state in which a republican governor has declined the expansion of Medicare/Medicaid. I will not be receiving any help from the state. What a frustrating ordeal the whole thing is. Inexcusable. I never wanted to be a 'burden' on the state, but neither was I ever counting on having to have health insurance.

I have been mildly low today. Forlorn. A little blue. Hope this improves by tomorrow. I would like to start the new semester on a good note.

Swelltide.

A terrible day. In a horrible mood and though I tried not to, took it out on people around me.

Everything sometimes seems to be far more complicated than it needs to be. I couldn't print off something for school, the printer is broken. Go to my parents house, who just happened to get a new computer and printer today. The website is down. All day, have been attempting to study to sound of kids playing, baby crying, television-- always too damn loud. The house is a disaster. I'm retaining nothing that I've been studying for the last couple of days.

Yes, still have the family staying with us at the expense of my sanity, my grades and general peace and quiet. No, I am still not on my meds. Have tried for over a month now to sign up for the healthcare exchanges. Everyone around me knows the amount of stress I'm under, and have really been keeping some distance-- on a personal level. Not that anyone is really trying to make it easier for me. Not that they should and they're smart to back off, I think. I can feel a meltdown coming. A big one. And, I don't really know what to do about it.

School in general has been a disappointment. I have been a disappointment. Taking a break and going back to my tedious, dead-end job-- would be just as depressing and needlessly stressful for different reasons. Something has to give.

Swelltide.

Fuck it all.

Swelltide.

Are you ever overwhelmed by negative thoughts? I am. I was in the middle of a math test tonight and I kept asking myself, "What the hell are you doing?" I have years to go still until I get my bachelor's. What a depressing thought. I will be some kind of statistic. Thirty-somethings who've gone back to get an education....

I am thirty. Say it takes me another three years to complete college. I will be competing with twenty-somethings for work. While this might be something of an advantage-- I mean, who really wants a younger employee? I will end up working for, at some point in my life, someone who is younger. Who did everything right and went to school right out of high-school, graduated at 22, and now runs the show. 

Someone who isn't bipolar. Who shows up for work on time and doesn't feel like they deserve any better. That is what I really think. 

What is the point? Of any of it? I can barely get myself myself out of bed on time. I can barely make it through a normal week without feeling run down. Without feeling like time has been stolen from me. Without feeling tired, and kind of defeated. 

Sometimes, I don't want to go on like this. I don't want to be inept, incapable, the one whose mind isn't working properly for whatever reason. Not a day has gone by that I don't think about this.

I don't like myself. I don't like how I am not like other people. I don't like how seemingly simple things aren't as easy for me as other people. How it always seems to take a little longer for me... How it always takes a little more from me. 

But, I am not ready to give up yet. 

Swelltide.

Feeling isolated.

Study is a very lonely thing. Usually, it's just me and book. Me and and a tornado of notes, homework, and papers. I can go a day without saying more than a hundred words to anyone.

I spent the majority of the day yesterday combating irrational negative thoughts. My abilities as a student. What an awful friend I am. How lazy... how stupid... unstable... finishing up with school was a pipe-dream... can't even get yourself out of bed on time... And, there is some merit to all of it. I'm not a great student. I may have been a little overly ambitious in what I could handle, the kind of work load I could deal with.

But, it doesn't change anything. I still want my degree. I still want away from being stuck in my shitty job. I still want more.

Swelltide.

I've been feeling pretty worthless.

No money. Borrowed some from my parents-- again. No energy. Sick. Can't work enough to cover all of the bills because of school and I'm not doing as well in my classes because I need to work. Still haven't gotten my refund.

All I do is study and worry. Ambition isn't everything, I guess. My brain obviously doesn't work like everyone else's. What should take some people an hour or two can take me three or four. I lose patience with myself. I get distracted. Noise bothers me and the world doesn't seem to want to slow down enough for me to get things done.

Swelltide.

I am trying not to think of everything at once. My mind the last couple of days has been wondering, blundering-- everywhere and nowhere. It happens when I'm under stress. All things seem equally poignant, equally important and I can't then concentrate on any one thing. Makes school difficult. Studying difficult. Makes small talk difficult.

Test tomorrow, and a test next week. Spent a few days in Florida with the girlfriend's family, which was amazing. Went to the beach, had a cookout. Met some of her family for the first time. But, I didn't really do any school work when I was down there. Now, I am playing catch-up, again.

Money issues, again. As in, I have none. Waiting on financial aide which won't come for a week or two (maybe longer). I know that there is no point in worrying about it. But, I do. How can I not? I haven't really been working and I don't have much interest in this job anymore anyway. I want to get away from the people there, who aren't good for me. The schedule, which isn't good for me. The environment. The dead-end. Which is why I started school back in the first place. So, I haven't been going out of my way to make myself available for work. And now, I have no money.

I need a new job. I need my degree already. I need insurance so I can get back on the medication. Go to a therapist. I need for real life to start.

Swelltide.

My last week or so has been pretty rough. It started last Thursday (or Tuesday? I can't remember). Woke up late for a job, which I found out later was scheduled even earlier in the morning and I didn't get the voice message about it. This job was almost two hours away from my house, which I was pretty angry about in the first place. Why me, the guy who is in school and is spending every waking moment studying and doing homework? Why me, the guy who has bent over backwards to make himself available on those days he isn't going to school? When I found out the job was scheduled even earlier, I got even more upset. Anyway, I missed the job after driving all the way out there, then had to make the hour drive to Richmond from it. Stewing the whole time.

On the way to the job, I hit a dog on the main road. I stopped and started to run to run back to it. I could see its legs up in the air and I have this vision of the dog convulsing, foaming at the mouth or bleeding from a gaping wound. I couldn't do it. I stood there thinking of what to do, saw a car coming and just left. I feel terrible for it. I know some people think nothing of killing an animal that walks out in front of their car. Not me. Thinking about it makes me a little queasy. Mad at myself. Guilty because I didn't do everything I could, and trying to justify that rather pathetically by telling myself that I was already running late.

Then the last week of school. Spending ten hours one day studying chemistry that I still don't understand. A whole day on a lab report, and then trying to catch up in everything else. I am scared that this is going to be, yet again, another semester where I fall behind because I am not getting things as quickly as I should. I got an email tonight that my lab report contained a few errors. Sunday, I spent the better part of eight hours doing math homework and algebra review.

I hope it gets better. I cannot, and never have allowed myself to drop a class. Surely my grade suffers for it but I don't need to delay graduation any longer than I already have. I am thirty. Thirty! The age when many are reaching their strides, creating careers. Here I am starting over.

I was reading this article about a L.A. musician. What life was like for him prior to his diagnosis of bipolar... It is equally heartening that there are influential people out there who live with it and do well, and disheartening what even these 'successful' people  put up with-- and put themselves through.  I am desperate at times for people around me to understand what it is really like. Nope, I am not touring all the time and dealing with serious substance abuse-- but the mania is the same. The depression is the same. It helps me, reading about such people, to not feel so isolated or alone.

Swelltide.

I am playing hooky today. Which, is awesome-- it being only the third real day of classes. I feel like a real idiot.

Last night, after spending almost thirteen hours on homework, I got into to bed to study Spanish. Then, couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned. Switched ends of the bed. Took clothes off and put clothes on. At one point, I became so frustrated that I threw some things across the room and stormed off into the bath room. When I finally fell asleep, the sun was coming up.

I had plans of waking up early. Studying, and getting some things done. Finishing up homework. I doubt it will happen today. Any of it.

I would love to file a formal disability with the school-- I gave up that hope of playing at normalcy a long time ago-- but, in order to do so, you must be seeking 'help' with whatever condition you happen to have. In my case this would mean medication, which I can't afford or therapy, which I can't afford.

I don't want hand-outs. I just want to be able to sleep. As far as receiving some kind of aide or help with medication, I don't really know where to look. Many of the medications available for bipolar come with potentially nasty side effects or complications-- which require regular check-ups. Which, I don't have the money for.

When does this end?

I would hate to think that giving up my steady but dead-end job to go back to school and better myself was a mistake.

But, maybe it was.

Swelltide.

While I am a living testament of a person living with a mood disorder being capable of functioning (and contributing) in society, I feel so limited at times.

It seems harder for me to prioritize events, schedules and tasks. Given what kind of mood I'm in, everything seems either significant (and important) or completely uninteresting. Sometimes, it takes me so much longer to process and understand things. Then, there are those rare days where my mind is sharp and I understand everything.

I am struggling with my school work. Today, I've spent the better part of six hours studying something that I still don't understand. I have resisted the urge to punch a hole in the wall. So, far at least. But, it is days like today that makes me feel so stupid. Slow. I begin to question if what I am attempting is even possible.

How do you keep moving forward with a mind-set like that? You can't. So, I am going to take a break. Ignore all of the other homework I have at the moment. Relax. And, keep at it.

Swelltide.

I am hoping to be far more active now that my new PC has arrived. It is really difficult to post from a two inch screen from your cell phone. 

School has started back up. Already, having some issues staying on track, staying focused and getting things done. Anxiety, though as far as first days go, this semester was relatively smooth. 

Recently, I've had problems sleeping. Starting off the days feeling sluggish and tired. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I am wide awake. Probably time to start therapy back. Get back on the medication. Start dealing with the day to day stress again, rather than pretending that nothing bothers me.

Anyway, here is a link about about mental disorders and genetics that I came across today. More evidence has surfaced that many mental disorders may be the result of a gene at work. The article is worth a look. 

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/264715.php

Swelltide.

On the ferry and my way to campus. First day of classes. Damn my nerves.

Closer to my degree every new semester. Proud of myself for refusing to stay always in my comfort zone. If for nothing else, returning at almost thirty, distancing myself from all those things that are comforting but not always healthy has made it worth the trouble.

Swelltide.

I haven't been working the last week or so. It has been slow, and school is right around the corner. Ordered a few books with what financial aide money I could. Still one item to get, exceeding $300 that I don't have the money for. Wait, didn't something similar happen last year? Yes.

Though, I haven't been sleeping well, I feel pretty good. I am optimistic about school. I have energy.

As soon as the financial aide comes in, I will be thinking of counseling again. It is good for me, and for anyone like myself. It is nice to talk to someone who knows what is happening with you, with what you're dealing with. I haven't had that in months, and I miss it.

Swelltide.

Despite having the house to ourselves, we haven't had sex. I am beginning to worry, though I have been feeling hyper-sexual. Maybe, my mood has been on the up. Maybe, I just need to get laid.

Every day for about a week, the kids have been gone and the house has been quiet. Our roomate and her children have been staying in the city. It has been nice.

Right now, just one thing on my mind... Maybe, now she understands those times when I've been tired. Feeling down or restless. But, I doubt it.

I currently have no plans of going into work tomorrow. It has been slow, this week. No need to worry about money. I don't have any.

Swelltide.

Ready for school to start back up. The summer job has.not worked at as I thought it would. Not saving any money. Ran up some debt to get back to work. What a senseless thing to worry about-- money, but I do anyway.

Only a few hours of sleep last night but I feel okay. Have been restless and moody. As usual.

Ready for a change.

Swelltide.

I am going to apologize for grammer and spelling ahead of time. The laptop is broken. Again. Having connectivity issues with the desktop. The timing could have  been worse. At least the semester is over. My "curse" at work. Can't seem to hold on to anything of value. Broke my guitar the other day. Red-ring on the xbox. Dvd player not working...

Anyway. Anyway. Still off the meds. Don't have the money for a doc visit or for the medication at the moment. And, I won't, not for a while. On a different note, had a long conversation with dad the other day, about bipolar, school, life. He's been the only person, other than my girlfriend, who has expressed any kind of concern or interest about it. He took a day off to hang out, which we haven't done in a long time. I feel so grateful for having a father like him.

I wish that I could afford the medication. The girlfriend is getting pretty tired of my waking up at two in the morning. The anger. The losing things. The not talking for days at a time.

The next few months-- work. See if I can work enough to not have to borrow so much money for school. We'll see how it goes.

Swelltide.

The isolation is killing me.

If I were were younger, attending school, maybe the social aspect would appeal to me more. Fraternity. Parties. Clubs. I wish I had been mature enough in my early twenties to tackle school, registration, financial aide...

Now, I rarely say so much as two words to anyone for most of the day. The days that I'm not in school, I spend studying alone at the house. Watching Youtube videos about physics or chemistry, or doing nothing. Daydreaming about what my new job will be like... Thinking about what it means that when I get back into the workforce at thirty-something, will anyone want to hire me? What does it say about a person who waited so long to get an education?

Still off the medication. Still haven't done much about it. Searched for some psychiatrists in the area, and there really aren't any. So, I'm going to have to make the drive to see someone. Called the old doc a few more times and left a few more voice mail, nothing. I think mentioning to her that I would like some more inexpensive medication may have been a bad idea.

I haven't been acting liking a crazy person, but I haven't been exactly stable either. Can't sleep. Moody. Either sleeping all day or not sleeping. Scaring people with the level of energy that I have, or having no energy at all.

Yes. So... That is it really. Still school. I haven't even popped into the office at work for over a month. Which feels really good, actually. I will probably work there over the summer and go back to pretending that I never did once school starts back up in the fall.

Going back to community college. I can't keep borrowing all of this money, getting nowhere. The supposedly sub-ivy league school... The teachers aren't that great. The administration isn't that great. I'm not getting any help when I need. So, I'm not giving them my money anymore.

Swelltide.

In the mood for a quick post. 

I have been in a terrible mood the last three or four days. Irritable. Anxious. Tired. Typical, normal bi-polar off his meds stuff. I have attempted to contact the psychiatrist, several times actually, without getting a response. Which, is fine. I need the medication, which is becoming more obvious, but I also want to have an honest conversation about the cost of drugs, and whether there is a generic or combination of generics that I could be taking. Doctors don't really like having to have the conversation about the cost of drugs, in my experience. So, I'll be finding a new doc soon.

School is going much better. I've been busy, but feel like I'm finally catching up. I feel far more hopeful about it than I have since I started. Been hitting the books really hard, and am finally getting to grades that show the amount of effort that I've put into it. 

So, I'm well. Busy. Still off the medication. Still fighting with myself to get things done. That's it really.