Swelltide.

Are you ever overwhelmed by negative thoughts? I am. I was in the middle of a math test tonight and I kept asking myself, "What the hell are you doing?" I have years to go still until I get my bachelor's. What a depressing thought. I will be some kind of statistic. Thirty-somethings who've gone back to get an education....

I am thirty. Say it takes me another three years to complete college. I will be competing with twenty-somethings for work. While this might be something of an advantage-- I mean, who really wants a younger employee? I will end up working for, at some point in my life, someone who is younger. Who did everything right and went to school right out of high-school, graduated at 22, and now runs the show. 

Someone who isn't bipolar. Who shows up for work on time and doesn't feel like they deserve any better. That is what I really think. 

What is the point? Of any of it? I can barely get myself myself out of bed on time. I can barely make it through a normal week without feeling run down. Without feeling like time has been stolen from me. Without feeling tired, and kind of defeated. 

Sometimes, I don't want to go on like this. I don't want to be inept, incapable, the one whose mind isn't working properly for whatever reason. Not a day has gone by that I don't think about this.

I don't like myself. I don't like how I am not like other people. I don't like how seemingly simple things aren't as easy for me as other people. How it always seems to take a little longer for me... How it always takes a little more from me. 

But, I am not ready to give up yet.