Swelltide.

Even the closest people to me don't often know the extent of my worry, fear and depression. Rightfully so, maybe.

I am not capable of feeling much of anything at times. Numb is too mild of a word-- oblivious would be better. Void. Null. I could receive the world's best, or worse, news and the real emotional impact would be nothing. I have felt this way for the last several days. Being around family. Having semi-meaningful conversation with friends. I am finding meaning nor contentment in anything at the moment.

I have decided to take a break from school this fall. Whatever it might do to my getting the classes that I need later. I could use being able to spend a little money when I wish to. Saving money. Having the time and resources to do the things that I want to do.

I have also decided not to pursue therapy any longer. I get little out of it, beyond having the privilege of paying someone to listen to all of my petty problems. Not to say that for some it doesn't serve a purpose. Honestly, I think I just haven't had great luck finding the right shrink, but I don't have the time or money to shop around. I have, and have little to show for it. Not any sense of emotional growth or breakthrough.

Swelltide.

At work, sitting on a picnic table and waiting. In a reflective mood, and have been for several days. I've been tired also. Quiet. Impatient.

To grandma's house we go. Road-trip with the family this weekend. To be honest, I don't want to go. I have resentment bubbling up inside me-- and I am worried that I might have one of those moments where I am a little too honest with people. How sad, that a person should worry about honesty. With their family.

I am back in therapy, due in part (a large part) to making the same poor decisions. I feel less equipped to deal with lingering emotional things this go-round. I don't really want to deal with the same ghosts. Only, my girlfriend is onboard-- and equally tiresome is moving backward.

Swelltide.

It has been a while since the big bipolar diagnosis. Four months, or five. I have school coming up. A major change at work, being that I go part-time-- or not at all, depending on how they react to me not being available all hours of the day. I am planning a discussion about the diagnosis with my family, though I don't think this talk will come any time soon.

It is something that I've brought up in therapy and keep coming back to. When to tell people and who to tell. I am not afraid of any kind of stigma, but more like a reaction to my emotions. I don't care if people know that I am crazy. Ha. Anyone who knows me really well knows that I am. I don't want to have people downplaying how I feel or what I think because they know that I am bipolar. I don't want to be in an argument and have someone dismiss what I say because I am 'unstable', or 'manic.' People are dismissive of how I feel already. It would just be an excuse to accuse me of overreacting. Or being down.

A quick appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow, and then therapy in the afternoon. I may ask for something to ease anxiety. Which, I know will be a problem when school starts and I am sitting in a shoebox of a room with no one that I know. I have been anxious lately under normal circumstances.

I have not been sleeping well, but am still reluctant to take on more medication than is good for me. I do not need to be taking something for mania, something for depression, something for anxiety and something to help me sleep. I don't want all of those meds. I have had a hard enough time taking the one pill, every day, like I am supposed to.

I wish there were one other person with bipolar, that I knew personally and could talk to. Someone who has lived with it for a while. It would make everything so much easier for me, because I do feel like nobody really understands what it is like. I do feel like I don't know enough about what I am going through, myself. And knowing is everything for me. I have to know what to expect. I must know what I'm dealing with. What is around the corner.

Because I haven't been taking my meds like I should, my mood has been somewhat unstable. I wake up feeling one way and come home feeling another. I have been somewhat irritable. Mostly, I've been feeling detached from people, without any real explanation. Lonely, but mostly separated from everyone around me. I've even gone so far as to Google this feeling. An emotion that there really isn't a word for. Depression.

I hate that word. Depression. Like an old friend who had sex with your wife. The attitudes of my family and friends to this word, is equally patronizing and pitiful. I don't even openly talk about it with anyone anymore. Maybe, I am depressed. If I am though, it is different for me now than when I have experienced it before. I am still productive. Still about to get myself out of bed and to work, though not always on time. I don't have the desire to pull the shades down on all the windows and not talk for a few days.

If I talked to my psychiatrist about it, or my therapist, drugs would be the answer. I just don't want anymore medication. So, what do you do?

Swelltide.

I feel more rested today than I have felt all week. Therapy on Thursday was good. It has been a while, as my therapist was out on vacation and then I had to cancel last week because of work. Talked some more about me growing up-- how I realize now that I have always been off-kilter. Excitable. Impulsive. Moody. It begs the question, how many people are living with bipolar but have never been diagnosed, or have had the good fortune of it not impacting their lives greatly?

Therapy covered a lot. I think because I haven't had the time to talk about it all in the last few weeks. Work. School. I need a plan of action. I need to be organized. I need to be focused and take time to take care of myself. I need the support of everyone around me. Hah.

Celebration at the house today. Lots of family over, and friends. I saw my grandparents last night, in a little hotel up the road. It surprises me always, that my grandmother seems younger every time I see her. I am trying not to let the idea of the crowd cause me any anxiety. I don't really handle a lot of noise, social chaos, well anymore. I get overstimulated. I try to focus on three or four conversations at a time.

The girlfriend and I are both a little grumpy this morning. She has gone back to bed and I am nursing a cup of coffee. It'll be a good day.

Swelltide.

Therapy today. Kind of a review session. It's been ten visits, from the first session I've had. We talked about how some circumstances have changed. How I feel now compared to how I felt then.

Much better. Not perfect. Not 'healed'. Not euphoric, but better. I can think straight. I can see things closer to reality now. Much of my cognitive shifts have very little to do with my being bipolar, though maybe the medication helps more than I give it credit for.

I do miss the ups. I don't miss the ups and downs, and since I am not currently taking anything for depression alone, my feelings about life can't be attributed to a chemical state in my brain. I am still living with the depression. I still have trouble sleeping sometimes. I still have a hard time getting out of bed sometimes. I still deal with feeling numb occasionally. Despair, occasionally. This to me, is worth the alternative. Being a zombie. Feeling nothing. I get the ups-- much less frequent, and I get the downs, but thanks to therapy I've handled much of this a lot better.

My perspective has completely changed-- about everything. I am not dreading all of the upcoming school work (which is daunting, but not scary) and the relationship that I have with my family has improved somewhat. They may never know about my being bipolar. Even the stress of deciding whether they should know is gone. They may never know, and I don't need to tell them. I don't need much of anything.

Should my job accommodate my school schedule like they claim, then I am set. Time to study. I have the kind of job with plenty of down-time. It is perfect.

I have felt exceedingly level, lately. The calm before the storm, maybe. I will find out. There are so many positive changes coming up. I have oriented life where I want it to go, something I had made many excuses for not doing before.

I still don't know everything about bipolar. I still don't know what to expect in the long-term. I won't know. Bipolar is a different animal for everyone living with it. Which, can be frustrating for someone trying to learn about it. Trying to tame the animal. Some things, like all of the stress that I had carried around for so long, you just have to let go. You have to assume that some things are out of your control.

Swelltide.

Some advice for anyone dealing with a recent diagnosis of bipolar; Go to therapy. Heal. Change negative thought patterns that you have. Bipolar alone is daunting. There is still so much about it that I don't know, or feel like I don't know well. I don't fully understand things that I think, or feel. Not all of the time. Having a major hurt, or void or want in your life will only exaggerate the already erratic behavior and thoughts that causes those of us with bipolar to have. I would recommend therapy though, to anyone.

Therapy today. Told work about school-- my boss and my bosses' boss. Am finished registering for classes, but not without a couple of hiccups. Big day.

Things are moving, which relieves so much stress and worry. School is going to happen-- work be damned. Because of some of things that I've thought about, talked about and worked on, in therapy-- I am in a much better place to try to tackle all of this. Progress comes very slowly sometimes, but I've done everything I can to orient myself. I have a goal. A plan. Now, I just need to follow through, even if that means that I lose out on sleep and haven't much time to dedicate to anything else.

I have come to believe that, the things we want most, if we really want them and focus the thoughts and energy on it that it deserves-- it will happen. Confidence is a strange thing. We can trick ourselves into having it, until we really believe it. I know this.

Those things that we do not get, that we really want, we do not get because on some level we feel like we don't deserve them. It has taken me seven years to get back into school, after many excuses to myself, because I never really felt like I deserved a better education. There are so many more things that work into this, in many ways, but that is really what it all comes down to for me.

I moved around and changed schools a lot as a kid.

It seems utterly ridiculous to talk about the things that happened to you as a kid when you're almost thirty years old. But, the saying that time heals all wounds is completely wrong. The things that stay with us the most-- thought patterns and feelings about ourselves or religious ideology, the view we have about the world itself-- are formed when we're children. I had a lot of hesitation about therapy initially because there were things that I didn't want to think about. I didn't want to give anymore energy to. The childhood stuff.

The things you don't want to think about, acknowledge or deal with are the things we need to give thought to.

Anyway. I moved around a lot as a kid. I never had much time to make lasting friendships. The most time I've spent in one place was a little under four years and there, I went to two different schools. Throw in harassment, bullying and culture-shock. I don't allow people to get close to me. I want it more than anything in the world, but it doesn't happen because I don't believe that I deserve it. The end.

When you know what it is that is really bothering you. What you really want. It becomes much easier to get it. My girlfriend could testify to this. I actually talk about things, now.

Therapy today was great. Weird session, but good. We talked a lot about metaphysical things. Things I believe or don't believe. It put my therapist in a rough spot. She is a lot more new-agey than she lets on (and now, maybe I am too, more than I would like to admit). It could get her in a lot of trouble, as the counseling service is predominately a Christian organization and the therapists must subscribe to certain world views. I would fight for her to stay, if it came to that but I would never want to endanger any one's job.

Swelltide.

I've been spending every night, for the last hour or two, in this frenzy. Things I haven't done, things that need to be done, things I've been putting off. It all apparently needs to be in order for me to go to sleep, which I haven't gone much of the last couple of nights.

I am in this weird, mixed-state, upswing. Can't sleep. Irritable. Feeling the need to get things done, even when it isn't necessarily to best time to do them. Like, midnight. Keep thinking about things. Stupid things. Little things.

Written the university several times and can't get in touch with anyone. I need to have academic advising before I can register for classes, which began last month. Feels like it is always this way for me. A wedding soon at the house, and I have a junk car in the yard I am trying to get rid off. Can't get anyone to call me back to schedule an appointment. Looking for things, documents and papers and can't ever find them right off. Have to search for a half of an hour, before I find it somewhere out in the open. In plain sight.

Therapy today was good, but rough. I've been dealing with a lot of anger, frustration. Being manic, or hypomanic or whatever. Thinking about family things. Woe-is-me kind of things. I've moved beyond the not acknowledging, not wanting to deal with stuff to being really pissed off. My therapist noticed right off that I seemed a little distracted and unsettled. Been laying in bed at night not being able to turn my mind off, or relax enough for sleep. I need for something to happen. I need to make some kind of headway on all of the things I've been thinking about, or have been planning to do.

I hate Limbo.

I swear the next person at work who asks me if I'm okay is going to get poked in the eye. I want to ask, "What do you care?"

I am a ball of contradictions. I want to be left alone but want someone to care. I want peace and quiet, but when I have it, all I can do is worry and anticipate. I want to draw, paint, create... but feel uninspired. I want to be able to fall asleep without rolling around in bed for a few hours first. I want for things to happen, but procrastinate. Like, I think, many people with bipolar or depression-- I war with myself, and then feel this immeasurable guilt about all of my shortcomings, and about being mad at myself in the first place.

The good news though, is that I've made some headway in organizing the home. I've been working on some things in my control, for a change. Got some things of the floor, and moved some furniture around. Doing something with all of this energy. But, I've had to deal with being awake at three in the morning, fretting about things and being irritable all of the time.

Swelltide.

Not really tired. Took a nap when I got home. Long and boring day at work.

Met with my psychiatrist-- she seems happy with the level of medication I am on. Surprised that it is working so well, so soon. We've talked about some kind of antidepressant-- but I am not ready. Not her recommendation, but mine.

Depression is much easier for me. I have lived with it in on a daily basis since my teens. I know things to do to drag myself up a little bit. I know how to kick myself in the butt when I need to. Sometimes, it doesn't work. Sometimes it does. Depression doesn't scare me-- bipolar does.

This might change. It probably will change. I don't want to start on a lot of medications when I may be losing my insurance soon. School soon. Maybe changing my job soon. That is why I am not ready. A smaller part of my hesistation is the junkie mentality-- I don't really know life without meloncholy. Living with depression, though it doesn't make life any easier for me, is all that I've known as an adult. It is hard to see things any other way.

Tonight, I feel isolated. I feel shut-off from the world.

I have been thinking about my inability to form real bonds with people the last couple of days. I meet people, get invited out. To parties, to the bars, to a cook-out-- whatever. I decline. This happens until they give up. I don't disclose anything about myself to others. Other than my girlfriend-- and some things that she knows about me, took me years to tell her. I don't find joy in people anymore.

I don't know what to do with this-- elitism, fear of vulnerability, anxiety. I don't know how to fix it. We talk about it a lot in therapy, but it all has a tendacy to come full circle.

Swelltide.

I haven't been posting like I want to, because my laptop is still getting worked on. Which leaves me with this ten year old PC, that I have to reboot to connect to the Internet and that likes to freeze up every time I press a button. Got my recovery disks in the mail today, so any day now I'll have the laptop back. Thank the lord.

Yesterday, therapy. It was a great session-- though, I am continually finding out what an emotional retard I am. Pushing people away, and keeping people at arm's length. Not letting anyone in.

We talked about a dream that I had a couple of nights ago (which is a therapy cliche, I know--) in which I was in an art class. There were twenty or so other people there, and this multifaceted mirror in the middle of the room. The teacher instructed us all to remove our clothes, sit in front of the mirror and draw ourselves in the nude. Obviously, a dream about revealing myself to the people around me. Letting people see me as I am. Looking at myself as I really am.

I don't do a whole lot of self-analysis. I try not to be critical of myself, and I try not to focus so much on the things that have happened to me in the past. If it becomes uncomfortable, I don't talk about it. I think about it, sometimes, but I don't talk about it. I sure as hell don't let anyone know that something is bothering me. While it is a healthy thing, to not dwell on the past-- it may not be so healthy to not think about it, or acknowledge it in the first place.

A big part of this, is that I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't want other people to have to deal with things that wear on me. Another part of it all, is that I don't like people, especially people that I don't know well, to know my business.

All of my attempts at opening up have seemed infantile. Immature. I simply don't know how. What a pitiful and painful thing to admit, that you don't know how to communicate things about yourself. My therapist though, tells me it gets easier to do the more you do it. I hope she is right.

I've been making some headway, but everything seems to progress so slowly. Eventually, work will be resentful of my taking an hour out of the week off. Eventually, I may lose my insurance altogether. But who knows?! Eventually... anything could happen.

I have had no major episodes of mania recently, though for me it might not happen often anyway. I have been sleeping better, and eating better. Taking my vitamins. Eating my greens. When things settle down, I may give quitting smoking a shot.

Swelltide.

In a terrible mood. Irritable. Don't think I slept well last night. Meant to talk to the psychiatrist about getting sleep or getting something to help me sleep, but the appointment was cancelled. Low-grade headache all day. Come home, and find vomit and poo all over the floors. The cat has been throwing up.

Therapy today, which went well. Had a chance to voice my apprehension about school. Not having money saved up. The likelihood that I won't be able to hold this job and go to school at the same time. Not knowing what to expect. Hearing about this big job at work that is going to start up right around the time that school starts-- they are expecting it to be my job, and I haven't told anyone about college. I've said nothing about having to go full-time. I have no idea what to do in this situation. I tell them, and they could just get rid of me. I don't tell them, and there goes my chances of holding on to the job. I could lose my job out of spite, and I could lose it because holding on to it isn't a realistic option.

A doctor's follow up after therapy. I needed a family physician to get my immunizations for school. Had a physical. My first in more than years. Doctor handling my man-bits, which was fun. Blood work tomorrow. I'm getting older and the doctor felt like it was time to check all the getting older things. Blood sugar. Cholesterol. My testicles.

I feel like all I do anymore is support the health care system. Doctor. Doctor. Therapy. Prescription. Pills. Doctor. I usually don't mind, but today has just been that kind of day.

Tomorrow is supposed to be busy. There is a chance that I could end up working this weekend, which I don't really want to think about.

I will be glad-- whatever happens, when it happens-- so that I can stop thinking about all of this. Start dealing with some of the things. Get school out of the way. Find a good job. Get married. Have kids. Save money...

Swelltide.

Therapy today. We talked a lot about the general symptoms of bipolar that I experience. Talked about my moods, my difficulty sleeping-- falling asleep and staying asleep, my need to develop some healthy coping mechanisms.

I wasn't completely convinced that bipolar was my deal. This shouldn't surprise anyone, especially myself, as I am not completely convinced of anything anymore. I thought, maybe, I've been going through this rough patch, a period of high-stress that has culminated into something that seems like bipolar.

But, now-- I'm pretty convinced.

Seems like bipolar II. Meaning, I get all of the full-blown depression but not full mania. Lucky me. I know some people out there with type I would take issue with this-- but, I feel kind of slighted. I get the low, but not all of the high. Lucky me. None of the delusions of grandeur. None of the being so excited by small things. Apparently, I also experience mixed-states and rapid cycling.

No two people with bipolar have the same bipolar. Everyone experiences it a little differently. Which, I guess has been frustrating for someone who wants to know what to expect, and who wants to learn as much as he can about what he is living with.

Anyway, therapy went well. I feel like I've made some progress. At least, I know some things I need to focus on. I am aware of some aspects of my personality that need to change. I need to get healthier (which I've known for a while). Now, if only the medication could start working, I might get somewhere.

Swelltide.

I've been pushed to keep track of some things that might be a trigger to my moods. I've learned one today, I'm fairly sure.

I didn't have time to eat today, and didn't really think about it until I was at work, where I discovered that I've left my wallet at home. Finally scraped together a dollar in change and got myself a cheeseburger-- at two-thirty in the afternoon. Was feeling irritable, angry. Wanted to punch someone in the face. My phone kept going off. Traffic was too slow, it seemed to be taking forever to get anywhere.

If it had been any other day, I could have pulled over somewhere and had myself a quick nap. It isn't a cure, but I better after getting a little bit of sleep. I feel a little better now. After stuffing my face with cheese doodles and having two bananas when I came home. But, still irritable. Working on dinner, now.

Therapy on Thursday. Need to keep in mind; I need to go into with a set of goals. Show me how to cope. Teach me some ways to get to sleep. Meditation, or something. I need to get some things resolved. I need to feel like I'm getting somewhere. And, I still haven't called to let her know that my girlfriend will not be with me. I am such a slacker. But, it won't matter really. I'm paying the money. She might be a little disappointed but what can she do, really?

The girlfriend is right. I need to learn a few things for myself before we start working on the unit. Where I lack foresight, she has it in spades. Women's intuition, I guess.

Swelltide.

So, things might be changing a little. I've invited someone from the bipolarsupport.org forums to join me here. My goal, beyond just writing as a way to process and learn, has always been to form a community of sorts. People reading what I've written, with others who also live with bipolar joining in. This is a small step toward that goal, and I hope it happens. This is exciting to me. I'll be adding a bunch of links that I've discovered and find useful to the links page, also.

Today was a short work day for me and there isn't anything major to report-- other than the medication might, finally, be taking affect. I am feeling far more stable today than I have in a while. My thoughts aren't cloudy. I'm not manic. I'm not down, tired and wanting to shut myself off from the world but, I can't be sure that I've reached a level part of my natural mood cycle. It's the one thing that I really don't like about this whole bipolar thing.

I'm angry. Is it because I'm hypomanic? I'm irritable-- manic? I'm feeling quiet and am seeking out quiet. Am I on a depressive downswing? It is so hard to tell what shift in my mood is due to the bipolar and what is just a normal thing. Especially with anger, frustration, feeling contemplative. I still don't understand.

Therapy. My girlfriend and I have decided that before we embark on couples counseling-- I need a few one-on-one sessions, which I haven't relayed to my therapist yet. Is that wrong? I'm sure that she has put some work and thought into the next session but she is only at this particular office for two days out of the week. I wouldn't know what number to call to let her know. I wouldn't know where else she spends her time. We will see how that goes.

Anyway. Sparta, if you're reading this. I hope you join me. I could use a friend or two and I hope you feel the same. Welcome to our site.

Swelltide.

One quick post, tonight. My mood has improved significantly. I feel fairly upbeat tonight.

I overslept, and was late to work. Which is becoming a trend, but the not sleeping-- I discussed with the psychiatrist and apparently over-the-counters will work fine. So, I need to do what I can for myself when I can't sleep. I guess medicated sleep is better than not sleeping.

My girlfriend offered me some good advice today. Going into therapy without some clear goals and expectations does me no good. I need to be more assertive, say what it is I would like to work on this week, and move toward it. Whatever that 'it' might be.

So, some progress. I just need a little help sometimes. Hah.

Swelltide.

So, therapy today... How did it go? I don't know. I came out of it... feeling the same, really.

What did we talk about? Family relationships-- my mom in particular. Nothing resolved. No real progress made. Maybe a group kind of session, which I'm not really interested in. Maybe, I need to give up completely on the notion that I will have the kind of relationship with my parents that I want. Which is something we touched on. What do I want? From my parents-- I don't know. A relationship of any kind would be nice. Something beyond, "Is everything okay? How are you doing?" It was a mistake renting this place from them. It was a mistake ever expecting more from them. It was a mistake thinking that things between us would change.

 The need to get sleep we talked about also, but here I am at eleven o' clock at night. No real progress. We talked about being sensitive to the environment. Everyday, normal stressors affecting me more severely than other people. No real progress. Don't get me wrong-- having someone to talk to that is unbiased-- is invaluable. I am frustrated, however, because I was expecting things to happen a little more quickly. We were supposed to talk about cognitive therapy. Changing the way I think about things, but there just wasn't enough time. We were going to talk about relaxation, and ways to focus and calm down, but there just wasn't enough time.

And, then a follow-up with the psychiatrist. No reactions to the medications? "Good. See you later. Start taking a higher dosage and get back to me."

This whole experience has been a little disappointing. I'm not sure what I was expecting to get out of it but I know this wasn't it.

Much of what I have learned about bipolar I have done on my own. Weeks of research. The learning about hypomania versus mania. Apparently, hypomania is my deal. So, I get the normal depressive moods without getting the full-blown mania part. The full down, without the full-up. Lucky me. Maybe I'll get some flack for even stating it that way, but what do I care? I can't even do bipolar right.

The girlfriend feels that I have been distant. This whole ordeal isn't fair. I've been so pissed off about being bipolar. Feeling crazy. Wanting to just curl up somewhere and forget that the world beyond my front door exists. I haven't been focusing on much else. Nothing in my life is going like I wanted it to.To deal with this, and then to have the guilt of not being the functional human being that I deserve to be. To not have the sanity to be able to give those around me what they need. It is getting old really fast, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it beyond pretending that I'm feeling okay. Beyond repressing the need to seek out some quiet, little space and fall asleep there for a while.

Not getting sleep is killing me. Not being able to say to people what I really think, is killing me. Not having the freedom to be the basket case that I am, is killing me. I want to firebomb my work, give everyone the finger, pack a few bags with clothes and drive off. Forget everyone and everything for a while. Park my car off the road in the desert and watch the sun go down. That is what I really need.  A break from reality. From life. A vacation from suddenly being this mentally ill, incompetent person who can't focus for three minutes to listen to someone talk about something outside of myself. Why is that so difficult?!

Swelltide.

Irritable this morning. A decent amount of sleep, but tired. Heading into work.Yay.

It is a little cloudy today, and warm. Maybe the weather does have more to do with my moods than I thought. I need to pay more attention to it, the weather. Light. Heat. I still haven't any idea what my triggers are-- except maybe coffee and I'm not ready to admit that openly yet.

Therapy today and I'm looking forward to it. A one-on-one session. Maybe today will be the day that I start learning how to deal with some things.

Swelltide.

Picked the girlfriend up from her job and drove us over to my second session of therapy. Just not enough time! We are going to start an every-other-week of couples counseling which I think will be good for us. She says that she thinks we have no real problem communicating, which is true. We talk and I'm learning to open up. One of a few things we hit on. I've been so focused on not reliving the past. On not thinking to much and dwelling on the dark stuff. I throw up walls. A form of denial and a not so healthy coping mechanism.

Followed up with the psychiatrist. It could take months for the medication to level me out. But, I don't want to be too level. I don't want to be numb. I will be ramping up my medication as time goes on. It is worth giving a try, but I am still hesitant. I remember being a part of the med-mill when I was a teenager and I didn't really get much out of it. Though, I wasn't in therapy at the time. So, we will see.

Swelltide.

Woke up. Threw some clothes on. Saw it wasn't raining, as I had been expecting, and grabbed some coffee, keys, put the dog on the porch, went back for the keys I left on the rail, checked the door to make sure the dog couldn't escape and zipped off to work.

My work phone and some equipment I needed were left at the house. I go out to the job and realized I didn't have them. I have a picture holding these things in my head. Was it from yesterday? The day before? Commence freak out. I had convinced myself that they were laying in a mud puddle somewhere. I ask a guy on the job about it, and he doesn't understand. I'm talking a thousand miles and hour.

I don't get it. I can't expect people around me to understand. This bipolar ordeal is confusing to me. Makes me angry, which makes me want to lock myself in a little room somewhere and throw paint all over the walls. Having little control over how you feel, how you talk. Narcolepsy would be so much easier!

I love to sleep.

I've been looking for stories about others who were recently diagnosed. To find out how they handle it. There isn't a whole lot out there. Many, many blogs that have been abandoned. A few forums. Nothing really personal. I don't know how to cope yet. How to deal. What to do when I'm clearly down, or when my mind is acting like a blender on high. I'm beginning to get really pissed off at myself. Even that! I don't know how to deal with.

Therapy tomorrow. I am excited, for answers. Scared, because I might find out some things that I don't like. Anxious-- because when aren't I? My girlfriend will be with me, and at least there is that.

So the phone? It was on the counter. I probably never picked it up in the first place. So, this is what crazy is like... an eighty year Alzheimer's patient, whose mind never shuts off.

Swelltide.

One session. There is that itch to get back to the comfy couch. My girlfriend is going with me, to talk about the things she sees that I don't see, or can't see-- because I'm not that self-aware. She's going through some things with her family now. I want her talk about it. I want her to get that outside perspective. One counseling appointment and already I would recommend therapy to anyone. Although, there is still the possibility that next week I could hate it.

I know how lucky I am to have found a counselor, that right away, I felt comfortable with. Unless it is just the liberation of finally opening up. Maybe someday I will have the courage to disclose my bipolar with the family and those around me-- which is a realization that I'm coming to terms with. One of those things that I don't know what to do with, yet. In many ways, I am a coward.

Yesterday was a rough day. Moody. Tired. Down. I know the medication isn't supposed to work right away. I'm just tired of feeling down. Tired of having to excuse my quietness, my wanting to be left alone. Days like yesterday only remind me that there is something wrong with me. Which is still hard.

Anyway, a link about bipolar and creativity that I found interesting:

Bipolar and Creativity