swelltide.

We decided to give our friend a break and the girlfriend and I are taking the kids for the night. Everyone is napping but here I am, smoking on the patio while Baby Einstein plays in the background.

What a ride the last couple of days had been! Irritable and tired. Only a few hours of sleep in a night. Have been exhausted during the day, avoiding people when I could knowing what my attitude was likely to be like. I don't like feeling that way. Having to keep my mouth closed and impulses in check. Being grumpy. At least I have learned some ways of dealing...

Today, I am content. Tired but level.

Swelltide.

Tired. Irritable. Grumpy.

Today, I worked with a few guys that I worked with years ago. Four or five years. They seemed excited to see me again. They seemed to remember who I was, and asked about people. Who is still with the company? Remember So-And-So? Who was that fat-tall-short-bald guy who used to work with you?

I don't know why, but this whole situation bothered me. I bothers me every time it happens. I never planned on working this crap job for so long. I never imagined that I would be one of those people stuck in some dead-end job because it pays the bills. I never imagined that I would be one of those people doing things I've lost interest in-- working a job that no longer serves me in any way. I don't make the kind of money I should. I haven't done anything new in years. There is nowhere for me to go. Every time I see someone I've worked with before, especially if it has been a long time, it just reminds me of how much of my life I have wasted.

Seven years. If I live to be seventy-- that is ten percent. It is shameful.

But, at this moment, what choice do I have?

Noise is bothering me. People are bothering me. I can't think of what to do with myself, and I get to wake up early tomorrow, to do something I don't like.

It is a typically American thing to do, I guess. Complain about our work. Complain about how unappreciated we are. How little of life makes sense. How nothing is fair. Cry. Bitch. Cry.

There are starving people in Africa who would do my job for less. I wish someone would. Hah.

Haven't slept well. Feeling like I could desperately use someone to talk to, but the girlfriend is working late tonight. Just me and the house. It is times like these that I wish I had it in me to waste the money on cable television. I could zone-out for a few hours and just go to bed.

Been one of those days. Anger. Irritability. Frustrated because I keep setting things down and not remembering where I've put them. Nothing going the way I want it to. Welcome, to hypomania.

Swelltide.

I've been pushed to keep track of some things that might be a trigger to my moods. I've learned one today, I'm fairly sure.

I didn't have time to eat today, and didn't really think about it until I was at work, where I discovered that I've left my wallet at home. Finally scraped together a dollar in change and got myself a cheeseburger-- at two-thirty in the afternoon. Was feeling irritable, angry. Wanted to punch someone in the face. My phone kept going off. Traffic was too slow, it seemed to be taking forever to get anywhere.

If it had been any other day, I could have pulled over somewhere and had myself a quick nap. It isn't a cure, but I better after getting a little bit of sleep. I feel a little better now. After stuffing my face with cheese doodles and having two bananas when I came home. But, still irritable. Working on dinner, now.

Therapy on Thursday. Need to keep in mind; I need to go into with a set of goals. Show me how to cope. Teach me some ways to get to sleep. Meditation, or something. I need to get some things resolved. I need to feel like I'm getting somewhere. And, I still haven't called to let her know that my girlfriend will not be with me. I am such a slacker. But, it won't matter really. I'm paying the money. She might be a little disappointed but what can she do, really?

The girlfriend is right. I need to learn a few things for myself before we start working on the unit. Where I lack foresight, she has it in spades. Women's intuition, I guess.