Swelltide.

Waiting, and bored. Getting her car inspected, and I am stuck in the waiting room. Morning T.V. talk-show and bad coffee.

I have been seriously worried about money the last couple of weeks. The girlfriend and I went to the dentist's a few weeks ago, paid out-of-pocket. Neither of us have insurance of any kind, and we can't really afford it. Learned that I need about four thousand dollars of work done. She tells me not to worry about it, but how can you not? I have student loans coming up because I've taken the semester off. We're talking about getting married and buying a house. Money, money and money... I have been working on a promotion at work. Again. It isn't likely to happen and I can't afford to waste any more of my time spinning my wheels and getting very little in return for all that I do. They haven't made me any promises. They never do. I am giving it a week and should I not hear anything more-- I'll be going after something which pays more (but that I will like less, probably.) I should have done it a long time ago.

No meds. Still. My last go at therapy was a bust. I am having these really intense bursts of emotion-- anger, frustration, anxiety; with little or no provocation. Proves to me how great that my girlfriend is, putting up with me all of the time. I can do nothing for it, or about it, now or any time soon.

Swelltide.

Sometimes, I feel like nothing is real. I hear people taking to one another and I infer insecurities, bravado and the things that go unsaid. I watch people interact with one another. The distance. Even in our movements and the ways we carry ourselves, we reveal ourselves-- in the little ways we try to lie to each other.

I can't explain it.

I have been fantasizing about leaving. Again. Just letting the bills go unpaid. The house how it is. Just, pack up only the things we need and go. No money. No phones. Just ourselves, a few blankets and clothes. 

I am not unhappy. I am stuck. I feel stuck, and I want out. 

Swelltide.

Even the closest people to me don't often know the extent of my worry, fear and depression. Rightfully so, maybe.

I am not capable of feeling much of anything at times. Numb is too mild of a word-- oblivious would be better. Void. Null. I could receive the world's best, or worse, news and the real emotional impact would be nothing. I have felt this way for the last several days. Being around family. Having semi-meaningful conversation with friends. I am finding meaning nor contentment in anything at the moment.

I have decided to take a break from school this fall. Whatever it might do to my getting the classes that I need later. I could use being able to spend a little money when I wish to. Saving money. Having the time and resources to do the things that I want to do.

I have also decided not to pursue therapy any longer. I get little out of it, beyond having the privilege of paying someone to listen to all of my petty problems. Not to say that for some it doesn't serve a purpose. Honestly, I think I just haven't had great luck finding the right shrink, but I don't have the time or money to shop around. I have, and have little to show for it. Not any sense of emotional growth or breakthrough.

Swelltide.

So. She asked me about therapy and I honestly thought we had talked about it. Nope. I forgot to schedule an appointment and just let it go. Money and time. Besides, I wasn't getting much out of it.

The last few days, I have been feeling out of sorts. Today, I am tired and feeling a little down.

We'd made plans to start working out after work-- which I need to stick with. I feel better. Sharper. Just have to muster the energy to do it.

Lately, I call and she doesn't answer. She's busy. But it frustrates me and I begin to feel isolated. More isolated.

Swelltide.

I want to move. I want a break.

I've had a pretty terrible day. Work stuff, which isn't really important. Or, shouldn't be. I've been promised training and advancement into a direction that I want to go... Only, to find out today that it won't happen. Not really a surprise, but I was hopeful... Today, was a completely disorderly day. Jerked around for no reason, and wasted a lot of time. Also, not really a surprise...

My birthday is this weekend. My sister is coming into to town... and my birthday has become a family gathering-- that has nothing to do with my birthday. I haven't committed to going, and I won't. If it were my brother's birthday or my sister's birthday, we'd be having dinner. We would be hanging out.

I'm done with commitments. I am done with being an afterthought.

I need away from my parents. For a while. Years, maybe. I need to let go of all the resentment I've been feeling and I need to feel like I'm getting somewhere. It is all about perceptions, apparently-- which I 'learned' in therapy during my last session.

Everyone always asks why I don't just talk about it. Whenever I speak up-- it always becomes somehow, that I am being selfish. The truth is, my parents I think, think that emotions are indulgent. They don't allow themselves the freedoms of being so... selfish? angry? I don't know. But, it doesn't work. Whenever I try to have a serious conversation, it is turned around on me. It becomes reflective of them and I don't want to hear it anymore. I don't have to deal with it anymore. I don't have to buy into the bullshit of 'they did the best with what they had...'

Crap.

Swelltide.

I am a little disappointed. Only a little.

Did my marketplace shopping for health care. My state has declined the expansion of Medicaid. Now that I'm back in school and not making a lot of money, I would qualify. If, medicaid wasn't reserved here for people with children. I was hopeful that I might be able to go back to the doc on a somewhat regular basis. To get back on my medication. Maybe see if there was something different that I could take. Something better.

The good news is, I don't have to pay a fine as the state isn't expanding. I actually see nothing wrong with this. The push for health care, which I feel like needs to happen, must be all or nothing. I fail to understand how we can afford to spend so much on bombs and cruiser ships, meanwhile there are people who are wanting at home. I know there are abuses in the system, but there always will be regardless of what system is in place. Anyway, the only solution as I see it-- everyone gets health care bought and paid for, or we go back to the way it was. Think on that, and try to keep in mind that the health of the public is sliding. Compared to nations in the world, the US is nowhere near the top concerning health care (and a lot of other things).

Stressed. A test of sorts tomorrow, and one on wed. We have no money, and bills are due. I need to go into work and it seems like they have some things that I could come in and take care of, but I need to study also.

Swelltide.

A terrible day. In a horrible mood and though I tried not to, took it out on people around me.

Everything sometimes seems to be far more complicated than it needs to be. I couldn't print off something for school, the printer is broken. Go to my parents house, who just happened to get a new computer and printer today. The website is down. All day, have been attempting to study to sound of kids playing, baby crying, television-- always too damn loud. The house is a disaster. I'm retaining nothing that I've been studying for the last couple of days.

Yes, still have the family staying with us at the expense of my sanity, my grades and general peace and quiet. No, I am still not on my meds. Have tried for over a month now to sign up for the healthcare exchanges. Everyone around me knows the amount of stress I'm under, and have really been keeping some distance-- on a personal level. Not that anyone is really trying to make it easier for me. Not that they should and they're smart to back off, I think. I can feel a meltdown coming. A big one. And, I don't really know what to do about it.

School in general has been a disappointment. I have been a disappointment. Taking a break and going back to my tedious, dead-end job-- would be just as depressing and needlessly stressful for different reasons. Something has to give.

Swelltide.

I've been feeling pretty worthless.

No money. Borrowed some from my parents-- again. No energy. Sick. Can't work enough to cover all of the bills because of school and I'm not doing as well in my classes because I need to work. Still haven't gotten my refund.

All I do is study and worry. Ambition isn't everything, I guess. My brain obviously doesn't work like everyone else's. What should take some people an hour or two can take me three or four. I lose patience with myself. I get distracted. Noise bothers me and the world doesn't seem to want to slow down enough for me to get things done.

Swelltide.

I am trying not to think of everything at once. My mind the last couple of days has been wondering, blundering-- everywhere and nowhere. It happens when I'm under stress. All things seem equally poignant, equally important and I can't then concentrate on any one thing. Makes school difficult. Studying difficult. Makes small talk difficult.

Test tomorrow, and a test next week. Spent a few days in Florida with the girlfriend's family, which was amazing. Went to the beach, had a cookout. Met some of her family for the first time. But, I didn't really do any school work when I was down there. Now, I am playing catch-up, again.

Money issues, again. As in, I have none. Waiting on financial aide which won't come for a week or two (maybe longer). I know that there is no point in worrying about it. But, I do. How can I not? I haven't really been working and I don't have much interest in this job anymore anyway. I want to get away from the people there, who aren't good for me. The schedule, which isn't good for me. The environment. The dead-end. Which is why I started school back in the first place. So, I haven't been going out of my way to make myself available for work. And now, I have no money.

I need a new job. I need my degree already. I need insurance so I can get back on the medication. Go to a therapist. I need for real life to start.

Swelltide.

My last week or so has been pretty rough. It started last Thursday (or Tuesday? I can't remember). Woke up late for a job, which I found out later was scheduled even earlier in the morning and I didn't get the voice message about it. This job was almost two hours away from my house, which I was pretty angry about in the first place. Why me, the guy who is in school and is spending every waking moment studying and doing homework? Why me, the guy who has bent over backwards to make himself available on those days he isn't going to school? When I found out the job was scheduled even earlier, I got even more upset. Anyway, I missed the job after driving all the way out there, then had to make the hour drive to Richmond from it. Stewing the whole time.

On the way to the job, I hit a dog on the main road. I stopped and started to run to run back to it. I could see its legs up in the air and I have this vision of the dog convulsing, foaming at the mouth or bleeding from a gaping wound. I couldn't do it. I stood there thinking of what to do, saw a car coming and just left. I feel terrible for it. I know some people think nothing of killing an animal that walks out in front of their car. Not me. Thinking about it makes me a little queasy. Mad at myself. Guilty because I didn't do everything I could, and trying to justify that rather pathetically by telling myself that I was already running late.

Then the last week of school. Spending ten hours one day studying chemistry that I still don't understand. A whole day on a lab report, and then trying to catch up in everything else. I am scared that this is going to be, yet again, another semester where I fall behind because I am not getting things as quickly as I should. I got an email tonight that my lab report contained a few errors. Sunday, I spent the better part of eight hours doing math homework and algebra review.

I hope it gets better. I cannot, and never have allowed myself to drop a class. Surely my grade suffers for it but I don't need to delay graduation any longer than I already have. I am thirty. Thirty! The age when many are reaching their strides, creating careers. Here I am starting over.

I was reading this article about a L.A. musician. What life was like for him prior to his diagnosis of bipolar... It is equally heartening that there are influential people out there who live with it and do well, and disheartening what even these 'successful' people  put up with-- and put themselves through.  I am desperate at times for people around me to understand what it is really like. Nope, I am not touring all the time and dealing with serious substance abuse-- but the mania is the same. The depression is the same. It helps me, reading about such people, to not feel so isolated or alone.

Swelltide.

Despite having the house to ourselves, we haven't had sex. I am beginning to worry, though I have been feeling hyper-sexual. Maybe, my mood has been on the up. Maybe, I just need to get laid.

Every day for about a week, the kids have been gone and the house has been quiet. Our roomate and her children have been staying in the city. It has been nice.

Right now, just one thing on my mind... Maybe, now she understands those times when I've been tired. Feeling down or restless. But, I doubt it.

I currently have no plans of going into work tomorrow. It has been slow, this week. No need to worry about money. I don't have any.

Swelltide.

Ready for school to start back up. The summer job has.not worked at as I thought it would. Not saving any money. Ran up some debt to get back to work. What a senseless thing to worry about-- money, but I do anyway.

Only a few hours of sleep last night but I feel okay. Have been restless and moody. As usual.

Ready for a change.

Swelltide.

So... May since I have written last. So much has happened! My laptop died which explains my absence. Bought a smart phone, finally. Which I am writing from now.

We've had a friend move in with us. And her three kids. It hasn't been terrible. Nice actually that the house doesn't seem so empty. I try, really hard, at times to remain 'normal.' What ever that means anymore.

Still not on the meds. Haven't been to the shrink in months. My moods have been pretty drastic. Up and down. But, work has been slow this summer and not nearly as stressful as I remember it having been in the past.

The last few days have been rough. I have felt, dispite there people in the house, disconnected. Lonely. Isolated.

Depressed. I hope this is over soon but the dark has been much worse than in the past. I have been daydreaming about dying or disappearing. It seems morbid but is the truth.

Right now... I am drinking red wine on the porch, alone. The kids are passed out on the air matress inside. Everything is quiet. Bearable.

Swelltide.

The isolation is killing me.

If I were were younger, attending school, maybe the social aspect would appeal to me more. Fraternity. Parties. Clubs. I wish I had been mature enough in my early twenties to tackle school, registration, financial aide...

Now, I rarely say so much as two words to anyone for most of the day. The days that I'm not in school, I spend studying alone at the house. Watching Youtube videos about physics or chemistry, or doing nothing. Daydreaming about what my new job will be like... Thinking about what it means that when I get back into the workforce at thirty-something, will anyone want to hire me? What does it say about a person who waited so long to get an education?

Still off the medication. Still haven't done much about it. Searched for some psychiatrists in the area, and there really aren't any. So, I'm going to have to make the drive to see someone. Called the old doc a few more times and left a few more voice mail, nothing. I think mentioning to her that I would like some more inexpensive medication may have been a bad idea.

I haven't been acting liking a crazy person, but I haven't been exactly stable either. Can't sleep. Moody. Either sleeping all day or not sleeping. Scaring people with the level of energy that I have, or having no energy at all.

Yes. So... That is it really. Still school. I haven't even popped into the office at work for over a month. Which feels really good, actually. I will probably work there over the summer and go back to pretending that I never did once school starts back up in the fall.

Going back to community college. I can't keep borrowing all of this money, getting nowhere. The supposedly sub-ivy league school... The teachers aren't that great. The administration isn't that great. I'm not getting any help when I need. So, I'm not giving them my money anymore.

Swelltide.

House sitting. Whole place to myself, and nothing to do but study and T.V. School has been rough. Having a hard time keeping up-- which I've written about a dozen times before. I have been by myself for the last three or four days. Me and a dog. School, and then home-- me and a dog. It was nice for the first few days, but now I am bored and kind of lonely.

But things have been well. Haven't been working a lot. Haven't even gone into the office in almost two weeks. But, I go in tomorrow for a little bit.

Saw a girl that I dated in high school today. She's working at a store here in town. Ten years! Over ten years! Where does the time go?

Swelltide.

So, it is out to the family. I am bipolar. I have told my parents, my brother and my sister. A couple of friends. My girlfriend knows, of course-- and her parents. Everything has changed in the last year.

I have started school again, and have essentially left a job that I hated. Though, I stop in and say hello. Work a few hours, and then disappear for a week or two. I wish that I was doing better in school, but what can you do really? I have no regrets up to this point, with the only exception being that I wish I had more time to dedicate to everything. Studies. Family. Work. Music. Writing. Everything...

I don't yet regret telling my parents.

My girlfriend and I sat down with them last night to talk about rent, and it went really well. I need to stop assuming the worst from people-- one of the many things that I have learned about myself. I am a pessimist. We have cut a deal for the duration of me being in school, which is one less thing to worry about. Now, I can buckle down and spend the time on my studies that I've needed to dedicate all along, without the pressure of working as much as I can.

So, things-- for now, are well. Except for chemistry. Hah. I am doing what I can and for now, that is all that I can ask of myself. Everything seems to be working out.

Swelltide.

Maybe... Maybe if I were only taking one or two class without labs. I don't know... I feel like going back to school was just a pipe dream.

I have been so down on myself, and been so focused on the fact that I haven't been doing that well at school that it makes it all that much harder to focus, to study. I mean, I can barely get myself out of bed on time, which prior to going back to school was affecting my performance at work. I don't have to worry about that now because I haven't been working as much as I should (or need to). I barely show up at work at all, and they have actually been far more supportive of me than I ever imagined that they would be.

The mixture of frustration, guilt and anger that I feel about everything. I have borrowed all of this money to make it happen and I can't really force myself to do well. I have put my girlfriend in the position of earning most of the money and being the core financial support for us both. I have been passively avoiding my parents because I 'owe' them rent and money that I have borrowed. And, then I get pissed off with myself because none of this should have ever happened. It was a bad idea blindly leaping back into school, of blindly renting a place from my parents-- knowing especially how they act and deal with things-- AND  now having the bipolar monster on my back.

Being optimistic always seems to get me in trouble.

I was so worked up last night, that I rolled out of bed at one in the morning and sat down on the couch to do breathing exercises. If only that were enough.

I am not organized. I am not focused. I am poorly adjusted to being a student, a worker or a human being. I think my girlfriend's doctor was right in saying that I am not good for her. What a thing to admit to yourself-- that you aren't good for the people you love. I am a coward. I am incapable of saying how I truly feel-- to save people the hurt of my opinions, even though there are only a handful of people around me that give a damn about how I might be feeling.

I hate myself sometimes, and hate myself for hating myself. What do you do with that? I desperately need to grow up, but I don't know how...

Swelltide.

I miss feeling competent, powerful. I miss confidence. I miss having a small circle of friends that I could tell anything. My personal relationships as an adult, beyond the wonderful depth and closeness that I experience with my girlfriend, have been shallow and unfulfilling. I have been questioning whether or not friendships like this can even exist as an adult. 

When I entered the 'real world' I knew intuitively to keep distance between me and my co-workers. They would not have been the kind of people that I would have been close to, anyway. I do joke around with them, and make small talk but I do not disclose anything about my private life. I am unsure of how friendships are even made anymore. I don't trust others to with information about myself. I don't know anyone that is like me, and as I grow older and gradually lose touch with those people that I used to be close to, I find that people around me are increasingly interested in things that I am not. 

I do not have television. Well, I receive local channels via an antenna. While I watch PBS on occasion, other people are busy talking about reality shows. The older I get, the more men my age seem to enjoy football and seasonal sports. I don't. It bores me and seems to be the only thing that the guys at work talk about with any depth at all. 

Distance, always. Separation. A constant reminder that I am not like them at all. I thought school may expose me to others with similar interests, but how can I relate to eighteen year-olds? I have a deep interest and love of science, and I have been disappointed by the superficial knowledge and interest that others seem to show in it-- and these kids are science majors. Welcome to the bible belt, where exists the ever-present distrust of science-- and very bizarre melding of a new kind of conservatism in young people. Maybe, I should have been an arts major. English major. I even gave some thought to accounting. 

No one challenges themselves anymore. No one actually thinks about the things they thing about. No one questions anything. 

I don't understand people. I do not have a desire to display my every movement and thought to the world on a 'social networking' site. I don't believe that most thoughts are even deserving of being spoken. There is no filter anymore. All meaningful conversation has been watered down. Public discourse now only involves the use of three-word slogans. Everyone thinks they are right. 

I was sitting in physics class a few nights ago, and in front of me was a girl who continually checked her cellphone and refreshed her Facebook page. Why? She looked at photos, and wrote monosyllabic little words with a lot of exclamation points after them. It apparently, was worth missing a lecture for. 

I have become the obnoxious elitist that secretly, and openly, scorns almost everyone around them. I am smarter than most people. I do actually read about something before forming an opinion on the topic. I think about things beyond what everyone else seems to be talking about. No one seems to anymore. I can't help but to wonder if American I.Q. scores are dropping like our education scores. I would be willing to bet that they are. 

If you couldn't tell, I am feeling melancholy tonight. I am missing being a creature of self-discovery. I am missing things being new. I am missing being an extrovert who didn't question people's motives who was willing to carry on a conversation with anyone. I am like this when I am feeling manic, or hypomanic but it isn't the same. I miss people. I miss the time before the internet when people actually talked, and shared. When things weren't instantaneous. There was depth and irony and humor. Of course, I was happy then. And always the question-- was it that way because I wasn't unhappy and bipolar, or was really that way? Do I feel disconnected, or am I disconnected?

Swelltide.

A long week, and maybe not over for me yet. A mid-term and two tests-- I have had very little sleep. An average of maybe three or four hours. The school part, though is over. I might have to work this weekend-- which, I really kind of hope doesn't happen. I could really use a break.

Spent some time talking to my mom on the phone this morning when I was driving down to school.       Says that she can tell a difference-- that I've appeared to be much more stable. We didn't really talk about it in depth.

I have been feeling better. I have been handling stress much better.  I have felt better, and I haven't been losing a lot of sleep. Still not eating as much I should, but that has more to do with school. Things are well for me at the moment.

My grades are improving, I think. I've been keeping up with things, for the most part. Just hope things stay this way for as long as they can.

Swelltide.

Sitting in Starbucks with a tall coffee that was empty about an hour ago. Studying physics, with Google at the ready to help me with answers. I don't know what I am doing really.

School so far has made me feel incompetent, slow, frustrated. Here, I've borrowed all of this money, which I still haven't received, and I am not sure that I am even passing all of my classes. I am putting the time in. I am putting in more time is some things than they deserve or would take anyone else, and I'm not getting it. The quality of my professors has not met my expectations. The quality of the school itself has not met my expectations. People refer to this place as the 'Harvard of the south'. A bunch of bullshit. I don't know if this is a systemic thing, where you pay all of this money and no one seems to give a shit. I dunno... I know if it stays like this, I am not going to make it. Maybe transfer schools. Maybe dumb down my degree until I get one. And these are freshman classes.

I know what the school would say. Get a tutor. Go see your professor. I have one professor who is contemptuous of the students who are struggling. Of the people who this stuff doesn't come easily to. That is what I am paying all of this money for. And a tutor, seriously? I am working already as much as I can to help with bills and I don't have time to keep up with my assignments as it is. How am I going to find time for a tutor.

Maybe this was all a pipe dream. To the tune of 10k dollars, at least I can say that I tried if it doesn't work out.

I had to walk out of my chemistry lab today. I took about thirty minutes to walk around outside before I went back in. I kept thinking, 'what am I doing here?!' I got bumped from another lab partner. This has happened to me every week in two of my labs. Here I am, the older guy, who doesn't know how to balance a chemical equation, who doesn't know what the molecular formulas for the chemicals are-- who would want to be my lab partner? Seriously. I suck at math. I haven't had any of this stuff, except biology before. I feel like I am smarter than this. I didn't finish the assignment, and surprise, my professor didn't really give a shit.

Work has written me off. Not even scheduling things for me anymore. I haven't gotten my financial aide refund. I have no money. A Psych appointment tomorrow. Everything around me is a mess.

Some big news. I told my mother about me being bipolar. So, she knows. It didn't go exactly like I expected it to. No concern, really for me. I told her because my girlfriend felt that she couldn't be the only emotional support that I have. Good luck, getting my parents to be all that supportive. I don't think its going to happen and I am afraid that it is going to lead to the choice of me moving out and probably damaging the already tenuous relationship I have with my parents. Or, my girlfriend moves out. She hasn't been home for close to two weeks. I think at this point, and until we actually say that we're moving out, I cannot expect too much of my parents. Especially, emotionally. It has been this way my whole life.

I still don't even know how I feel about my mom knowing. My dad knowing. I don't know the implications yet-- if there are any. But, I don't really like anyone knowing anything about me.