Swelltide.

So... May since I have written last. So much has happened! My laptop died which explains my absence. Bought a smart phone, finally. Which I am writing from now.

We've had a friend move in with us. And her three kids. It hasn't been terrible. Nice actually that the house doesn't seem so empty. I try, really hard, at times to remain 'normal.' What ever that means anymore.

Still not on the meds. Haven't been to the shrink in months. My moods have been pretty drastic. Up and down. But, work has been slow this summer and not nearly as stressful as I remember it having been in the past.

The last few days have been rough. I have felt, dispite there people in the house, disconnected. Lonely. Isolated.

Depressed. I hope this is over soon but the dark has been much worse than in the past. I have been daydreaming about dying or disappearing. It seems morbid but is the truth.

Right now... I am drinking red wine on the porch, alone. The kids are passed out on the air matress inside. Everything is quiet. Bearable.

Swelltide.

I never meant to go so long without writing. Things have been hectic. Busy. I've been trying to keep on top of everything. Trying to keep up.

Not that I had done that great of a job with it.

I have been so bummed today. Bummed the last couple of days. Part of my natural mood-cycle, but also, I've gotten a couple of lower-than-expected grades-- especially considering the amount of time that I've put into everything.

It all builds on itself. Little sleep, and stress. A heavy class-load and doing badly. I've fought off the self-doubt and the questioning my abilities as a student, my intellect, until the last couple of days. So, I'm in a small slump and am trying my best to roll with the punches.

Things have been fantastic with my parents. They have agreed to let us stay here for rent free for a while. No guilt trips. No passive-aggressiveness. It has been one big thing to not have to worry about. It has also helped, not having to carry around resentment and hurt anymore. I hadn't really realized how much negative bullshit had built up inside me over the last couple of years.

Well, going to head to bed in the next couple of minutes so that I can get up early and study, study, study.