Swelltide.

So, it is out to the family. I am bipolar. I have told my parents, my brother and my sister. A couple of friends. My girlfriend knows, of course-- and her parents. Everything has changed in the last year.

I have started school again, and have essentially left a job that I hated. Though, I stop in and say hello. Work a few hours, and then disappear for a week or two. I wish that I was doing better in school, but what can you do really? I have no regrets up to this point, with the only exception being that I wish I had more time to dedicate to everything. Studies. Family. Work. Music. Writing. Everything...

I don't yet regret telling my parents.

My girlfriend and I sat down with them last night to talk about rent, and it went really well. I need to stop assuming the worst from people-- one of the many things that I have learned about myself. I am a pessimist. We have cut a deal for the duration of me being in school, which is one less thing to worry about. Now, I can buckle down and spend the time on my studies that I've needed to dedicate all along, without the pressure of working as much as I can.

So, things-- for now, are well. Except for chemistry. Hah. I am doing what I can and for now, that is all that I can ask of myself. Everything seems to be working out.

Swelltide.

Maybe... Maybe if I were only taking one or two class without labs. I don't know... I feel like going back to school was just a pipe dream.

I have been so down on myself, and been so focused on the fact that I haven't been doing that well at school that it makes it all that much harder to focus, to study. I mean, I can barely get myself out of bed on time, which prior to going back to school was affecting my performance at work. I don't have to worry about that now because I haven't been working as much as I should (or need to). I barely show up at work at all, and they have actually been far more supportive of me than I ever imagined that they would be.

The mixture of frustration, guilt and anger that I feel about everything. I have borrowed all of this money to make it happen and I can't really force myself to do well. I have put my girlfriend in the position of earning most of the money and being the core financial support for us both. I have been passively avoiding my parents because I 'owe' them rent and money that I have borrowed. And, then I get pissed off with myself because none of this should have ever happened. It was a bad idea blindly leaping back into school, of blindly renting a place from my parents-- knowing especially how they act and deal with things-- AND  now having the bipolar monster on my back.

Being optimistic always seems to get me in trouble.

I was so worked up last night, that I rolled out of bed at one in the morning and sat down on the couch to do breathing exercises. If only that were enough.

I am not organized. I am not focused. I am poorly adjusted to being a student, a worker or a human being. I think my girlfriend's doctor was right in saying that I am not good for her. What a thing to admit to yourself-- that you aren't good for the people you love. I am a coward. I am incapable of saying how I truly feel-- to save people the hurt of my opinions, even though there are only a handful of people around me that give a damn about how I might be feeling.

I hate myself sometimes, and hate myself for hating myself. What do you do with that? I desperately need to grow up, but I don't know how...

Excerpt

"Like any other serious illness, bipolar disorder affects not only the person who suffers from the disease but family, friends and colleagues as well."

From Bipolar Disorder; A Guide for Patients and Families by Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D.

Swelltide.

I miss feeling competent, powerful. I miss confidence. I miss having a small circle of friends that I could tell anything. My personal relationships as an adult, beyond the wonderful depth and closeness that I experience with my girlfriend, have been shallow and unfulfilling. I have been questioning whether or not friendships like this can even exist as an adult. 

When I entered the 'real world' I knew intuitively to keep distance between me and my co-workers. They would not have been the kind of people that I would have been close to, anyway. I do joke around with them, and make small talk but I do not disclose anything about my private life. I am unsure of how friendships are even made anymore. I don't trust others to with information about myself. I don't know anyone that is like me, and as I grow older and gradually lose touch with those people that I used to be close to, I find that people around me are increasingly interested in things that I am not. 

I do not have television. Well, I receive local channels via an antenna. While I watch PBS on occasion, other people are busy talking about reality shows. The older I get, the more men my age seem to enjoy football and seasonal sports. I don't. It bores me and seems to be the only thing that the guys at work talk about with any depth at all. 

Distance, always. Separation. A constant reminder that I am not like them at all. I thought school may expose me to others with similar interests, but how can I relate to eighteen year-olds? I have a deep interest and love of science, and I have been disappointed by the superficial knowledge and interest that others seem to show in it-- and these kids are science majors. Welcome to the bible belt, where exists the ever-present distrust of science-- and very bizarre melding of a new kind of conservatism in young people. Maybe, I should have been an arts major. English major. I even gave some thought to accounting. 

No one challenges themselves anymore. No one actually thinks about the things they thing about. No one questions anything. 

I don't understand people. I do not have a desire to display my every movement and thought to the world on a 'social networking' site. I don't believe that most thoughts are even deserving of being spoken. There is no filter anymore. All meaningful conversation has been watered down. Public discourse now only involves the use of three-word slogans. Everyone thinks they are right. 

I was sitting in physics class a few nights ago, and in front of me was a girl who continually checked her cellphone and refreshed her Facebook page. Why? She looked at photos, and wrote monosyllabic little words with a lot of exclamation points after them. It apparently, was worth missing a lecture for. 

I have become the obnoxious elitist that secretly, and openly, scorns almost everyone around them. I am smarter than most people. I do actually read about something before forming an opinion on the topic. I think about things beyond what everyone else seems to be talking about. No one seems to anymore. I can't help but to wonder if American I.Q. scores are dropping like our education scores. I would be willing to bet that they are. 

If you couldn't tell, I am feeling melancholy tonight. I am missing being a creature of self-discovery. I am missing things being new. I am missing being an extrovert who didn't question people's motives who was willing to carry on a conversation with anyone. I am like this when I am feeling manic, or hypomanic but it isn't the same. I miss people. I miss the time before the internet when people actually talked, and shared. When things weren't instantaneous. There was depth and irony and humor. Of course, I was happy then. And always the question-- was it that way because I wasn't unhappy and bipolar, or was really that way? Do I feel disconnected, or am I disconnected?

Swelltide.

Three tests coming up this week. Haven't been studying like I should. Seems like an easy thing, right? Just sit down and start... Well, I have gotten most of my homework out of the way. All that is left is to study.

I have felt immeasurably isolated lately. My parents have stopped by a few times to say hello. My girlfriend is home again. But, when she's here she is asleep mostly. Or, I am working on homework. Trying to study. I don't really talk to anyone at school. It is just like being at work-- making small talk but not really clicking with anyone, and most of the people I talk to, I don't really care for (or care about).

I told my brother, only the second person in my family yet, that I am bipolar. His response was, "Oh, for real?" Then went on to talk about a video game he had been playing. My mother is not the only person in my family who is emotionally unavailable. Everyone in my family keeps this emotional distance from everyone else. I hate it. My brother. My sister. My dad and I get along really well but it is a very rare thing to talk about personal matters in a meaningful way.

So, I have done as my girlfriend wanted me to, and broke it to mom, who has undoubtedly talked to dad about it, and I've told my brother-- and here I am still, without any kind of emotional support whatsoever. It isn't surprising to me at all. Frustrating, infuriating, disappointing. Not surprising. I just want someone to give a shit.

I have a hard time, sometimes, with this kind of thing. I have felt so detached from everyone for so long, that I tell myself, maybe people aren't really being distant, maybe it is you. With people in general, this is true. Not with family. When you tell a sibling something like that, they should be concerned, right? When you summon the courage to actually admit something like I have to your parents, the response should be more than 'Oh.' I know that mom has said something to dad about it, but he hasn't said a word to me. My whole family is emotionally unavailable-- distant.

I try hard not to be cold-- not to be like them.

The girlfriend and I have a conversation coming very soon with mom and dad. We're basically going to tell them that we can't afford to rent from them anymore, and that they need to help us out or we fond somewhere else to live. Hah. This was what we discussed in the therapy session a couple of weeks ago. I don't think that mom, or dad, really understand how difficult they make things, how much unnecessary stress that they cause sometimes without even meaning to. I am not optimistic that this conversation is going to go well. If we end up moving out, having to find another place-- if this ends up damaging the relationship that I have with my parents, at least I am not really losing much. Also something that we talked about in therapy.

My girlfriend has been taking Xanex and Prozac, with much improvement. She hasn't had any panic attacks, but she has been sleeping a lot. She's lost a lot of weight. I am more than a little worried-- and now I regret getting her involved with my family. I wasn't a good idea. I know that my being bipolar, and us living out in the middle of nowhere hasn't helped her at all, but I also know that living and dealing with my parents hasn't helped her either. Neither of the two of us have been happy for a long time. I feel extremely guilty sometimes. It is such a strange thing, too-- we love each other so much, but everything around us just seems collapse inward on us. We can't catch a break.

My insurance has finally lapsed. My medication, now out of pocket, will be about a hundred dollars a month. Just another thing that I can't really afford, but can't afford to go without. I would make an appointment with my psychiatrist to talk about more inexpensive options, but she charges a hundred dollars (for fifteen minutes), that I can't really afford. Going to do some looking around on the web and see what kind of deals I can find. Make an appointment with my doctor and talk to him maybe instead.

Well. I guess I should get back to my studies.

Swelltide.

Sitting in Starbucks with a tall coffee that was empty about an hour ago. Studying physics, with Google at the ready to help me with answers. I don't know what I am doing really.

School so far has made me feel incompetent, slow, frustrated. Here, I've borrowed all of this money, which I still haven't received, and I am not sure that I am even passing all of my classes. I am putting the time in. I am putting in more time is some things than they deserve or would take anyone else, and I'm not getting it. The quality of my professors has not met my expectations. The quality of the school itself has not met my expectations. People refer to this place as the 'Harvard of the south'. A bunch of bullshit. I don't know if this is a systemic thing, where you pay all of this money and no one seems to give a shit. I dunno... I know if it stays like this, I am not going to make it. Maybe transfer schools. Maybe dumb down my degree until I get one. And these are freshman classes.

I know what the school would say. Get a tutor. Go see your professor. I have one professor who is contemptuous of the students who are struggling. Of the people who this stuff doesn't come easily to. That is what I am paying all of this money for. And a tutor, seriously? I am working already as much as I can to help with bills and I don't have time to keep up with my assignments as it is. How am I going to find time for a tutor.

Maybe this was all a pipe dream. To the tune of 10k dollars, at least I can say that I tried if it doesn't work out.

I had to walk out of my chemistry lab today. I took about thirty minutes to walk around outside before I went back in. I kept thinking, 'what am I doing here?!' I got bumped from another lab partner. This has happened to me every week in two of my labs. Here I am, the older guy, who doesn't know how to balance a chemical equation, who doesn't know what the molecular formulas for the chemicals are-- who would want to be my lab partner? Seriously. I suck at math. I haven't had any of this stuff, except biology before. I feel like I am smarter than this. I didn't finish the assignment, and surprise, my professor didn't really give a shit.

Work has written me off. Not even scheduling things for me anymore. I haven't gotten my financial aide refund. I have no money. A Psych appointment tomorrow. Everything around me is a mess.

Some big news. I told my mother about me being bipolar. So, she knows. It didn't go exactly like I expected it to. No concern, really for me. I told her because my girlfriend felt that she couldn't be the only emotional support that I have. Good luck, getting my parents to be all that supportive. I don't think its going to happen and I am afraid that it is going to lead to the choice of me moving out and probably damaging the already tenuous relationship I have with my parents. Or, my girlfriend moves out. She hasn't been home for close to two weeks. I think at this point, and until we actually say that we're moving out, I cannot expect too much of my parents. Especially, emotionally. It has been this way my whole life.

I still don't even know how I feel about my mom knowing. My dad knowing. I don't know the implications yet-- if there are any. But, I don't really like anyone knowing anything about me.

Swelltide.

My girlfriend and I met up in town yesterday to talk, to relax and to spend a little time together. She is still at her mom's house, and probably will be for a while. We went to the book store, got some coffee and sat outside, smoking and talking. Even considering how things are for us right now, it was nice. Reminded me of when we were dating, and acting cool. We used to do stuff like that all the time.

We talked about everything. How bad her anxiety was or is. How bad her depression is. How some things have to change. She isn't happy, being where we live. She feels isolated and the house makes her feel claustrophobic. There is no room, no storage and the space that we have is being taken up by the boxes. Almost everything we own is still in boxes, and we have nowhere to store things or to put things. She wants to move. She wants to be near things to do. She doesn't want it to take an hour to get home anymore, and all of this is causing her a tremendous amount of stress.

Not to mention, having to support me. Having to make sure that I am eating, and getting on my case about not smoking so much. Dealing with my moodiness. Helping me to find things that I've misplaced. Dealing with my periods of insomnia, and not sleeping because I am not sleeping. She feels guilty for even feeling this way. I understand, completely.

The guilt! The guilt that I feel for causing everyone around me more hardship than what they deserve. So, I isolate my emotions, because I don't want to burden anyone with my ups and downs. It isn't fair to anyone, my bipolar affecting them. I don't reach out and I do my best to keep everything to myself. But, this isn't fair to her. She feels like, because I haven't disclosed being bipolar to anyone that she has become my only support. Being there for me is a burden that I've made her carry alone.

I've never thought of it that way.

And now, we're in this place where she doesn't want to live-- that we're renting from my parents. I am faced with disclosing my diagnosis in the hopes that they will become more supportive. To help out a little financially. Especially with me being in school now.

What a touchy subject for me. My parents are very old school. They are not outwardly emotional people. They have a habit of being very dismissive of how people feel. My mother is not a very maternal person. She is not emotionally available, and more than likely is bipolar herself. Though, I doubt that she would ever seek help with it, even knowing that there are others in the family who are bipolar. She has spent so much of her time distracting herself, so as not to have to deal with the deep-rooted emotional knots that have held her back from being a truly happy person. My mother has never spent, at least that I know of, any time dealing with being sexually abused as a child. She has never processed, and never acknowledged the impact of some of the things that have happened to her in life. I don't think she is interested in helping herself.

Now, because of the nature of my parents' personalities-- I am in this situation where I could potentially lose my girlfriend, or potentially distance myself from my parents for a really long time. I know what the right thing to do is. I just need the courage to do it. I need to make my parents finally be parents. I need to ask some really hard questions. I need for them to be supportive of me in a way that they never really have been. I have no faith that they will be willing. At least not until I move out and go back to not wanting to have anything to do with them.

I don't understand why but I am treated differently than my siblings. I have always had to deal with things in my life on my own. While my parents bend over backward for my sister. Sometimes for my brother. It is a major point of contention for my girlfriend. In moving here, we both thought that they were finally going to show the kind of support that I deserve, and it hasn't worked out that way at all.

It was naive of me to think that things would be any different. They never have been. I wish I had thought more about moving over here in the first place. But, things are what the are. I just have to deal with them. Finally, hopefully for the better-- I have no choice.

Swelltide.

I slept at my brother's girlfriend's house last night, and stayed up until about two in the morning studying for a chemistry test that I had today. I needed to be closer to school, get as much time in to study as I could.

Drove to school  two hours early to study in the parking lot. I fell asleep, with the window down and the overhead lights on. Woke up about fifteen minutes before my test with the car battery dead. I can't close the window, or set my alarm. My choice was either to miss the test and get a jump, or leave my car window down and unlocked.

So, I took the test. Thinking the whole time, 'what if someone breaks into my car...' Though, there isn't anything in there worth stealing other than the biology book I paid 200 dollars for. Also, thinking about all of this stuff going on with my girlfriend, and my girlfriend and me. Tired. I didn't finish the test on time. Go to Biology where I get my test back. A solid C-. Awesome. Additional homework-- go through the test and correct your answers. Due next week. Awesome. I run to my professor's office after this class to finish my test. Which I can't do, because I spend fifteen minutes on one problem that I can't solve. Awesome. Eventually, I give up on this problem and hand the damn thing in anyway. I run out to the parking lot, find my car as I left it, and call the university police for a jump. Wait twenty minutes, study some physics...

I called up the cashier's office at school. 'Hi. Where is the student loan money that I applied for a month ago and haven't seen yet?' Somehow it was sent to the address that I lived at in 2004. What?! 'I didn't apply to school here in 2004...!" How does this happen? I yelled at this cashier for about ten minutes, yell at her manager for ten minutes. 'Oh, we have nothing to do with the address on file, sir. Give it a few days and then we will put a stop payment on the check.' I lost it. For about a minute, I went completely crazy. 'Why would you sent the check to an address that I lived at eight years ago?! I can't wait a couple of more days! I wouldn't have borrowed money for school if I didn't need it! Explain to me how I am supposed to pay my bills that are due if takes two weeks to put a stop-payment on the check, for you to send a new one out! AND! Where the hell did this address that I lived at eight years ago come from?!' I then drop my phone and have to call back. Am put on hold for about ten minutes. When I talk to the woman again, we are nicer to one another, but nothing is resolved. I am screwed-- bottom line.

I crashed. Fell asleep for about four hours. I've been meaning to straighten up the house, organize some things. Not knowing if my girlfriend is even coming home tomorrow or not. Here it is, midnight, and I haven't worked on any homework or studied, and the house is only partially clean.

I now have a lab report to resubmit, a lab report due, a quiz to finish for biology. I have physics homework due this week and my first physics test coming up. How do you prioritize all of this? This and personal life stuff? How do I prioritize bills, all of the things going on with school-- which I am about ten-grand in debt for, these things going on with my girlfriend, work and have time to study. I need to study because the amount of time that I've devoted to school, which is almost every free minute I have, isn't cutting it. In the back of my head right now, no matter what I am doing, is me thinking about whatever the hell is going on with my girlfriend.

My parents dropped by. 'Is everything Okay?' I wanted to scream and throw things around, tell them to get the hell out of my house-- which I haven't paid rent on because my student loan money is probably sitting in a post office somewhere.

All of this would be comical really, if it wasn't happening to me.

It feels like the universe is conspiring against me and I really don't understand it. I am having an urge to pack up a few things and drive the country for ten years. I don't want to deal with any of this. I am afraid that I don't have the time, or the energy to handle all of it at once.

Swelltide.

Quick update here as I have a lot of studying to do and not a lot of time to finish it all. Test tomorrow. Stress.

My girlfriend has been diagnosed by a doctor as having depression and anxiety. Prescribed some medication and there you go. We didn't talk for long as she is still staying with her mom. The doctor didn't talk to her at all about going to talk to a shrink. Just, here you go-- have some pills. Sounds a lot like my experience as a kid going to the doctor and being prescribed Paxil. No conversation, just-- have some pills.

I wish she would consider going to talk to someone. Maybe she has. Maybe, she is considering it. I don't know yet. I know we're having a 'talk'. Soon. When I'm not busy every waking moment studying and trying to keep up with homework, tests, lab reports...

I know it was going to be this way, but I didn't know it was going to be this way, to this extent. I am having problems getting up on time. Surprise. Keeping on top of everything that is due, and when. Studying. It is too much. Now add some potential relationship stress, which will probably become some family stress, which will become personal stress.

I don't want a caretaker. I don't want someone always looking out for me. I just need some things to come easier. I should be concentrating on my test tomorrow, but instead am thinking about this 'talk' coming up.

Swelltide.

I've been feeling bummed. Down. Having problems sleeping. No appetite. The blues.

The people around me, who know of my being bipolar; most of them haven't realized yet that this means I deal with depression. Or they haven't given it much thought. Being mildly depressed is standard for me. Having problems motivating myself. Finding enjoyment in things. I've lived with depression for so long though, I know of ways around it. I've learned ways of ignoring it, pushing through it, and pretending for everyone else that everything is okay. Sometimes, it is hard. Sometimes, I can't.

I got a 40% on my first chemistry quiz, and beat myself up about for a little while. I know what I need to do. I need to hit the books. I need to practice the math. I need to catch up. I didn't have this in high school. I should have been been doing this from the first day of class. I'll know that I am in real trouble after this week coming up. A biology test, and a chemistry test. 

My girlfriend came home for a day, then went back to her mom's. She's feeling clausterphobic at home. Having some weird symptoms, and having a hard time eating. Being around her mom helps her to feel better, and eases some anxiety.

Swelltide.

It has been a few days (or weeks) since I've written. I've caught a serious cold or the flu. Over the weekend, I felt terrible. I haven't been sleeping well, waking up coughing. But, even with the burden of school work, and little sleep, my moods have been fairly stable. The anxiety that I was expecting at school has never really manifested-- probably due to my medication. Which is great.

My financial aide money has not yet arrived, and I am beginning to stress about it. I haven't paid rent still, and have a few bills due. I need the money. They said five to eight business days. It has been four or five. I need to let it go, and let things take care of themselves. I don't need to be worrying about money right now.

The girlfriend is staying at her mom's house. She isn't feeling well either and maybe she doesn't think that I am capable of taking care of her. There is obviously something going on. I don't know what to think about it yet. She says that she's tired of coming home to the mess, to things being disorganized. She needs a break. Fine. I think that, maybe, there is more to it. I've offered to stay over once I've caught up on school work. She didn't seem to like the idea.

I am going to focus on my school work. If there is anything she wants to talk about, I trust she will bring it up. We're both going through this transitional period where we are thinking about the things that we really want. Where we want our lives to go.

Maybe, I've taken on too much. That is one of my major concerns. Maybe I've taken on too much to make myself available to be there for the people who need me. I don't know. It is hard to process when you're learning physics for the first time, chemistry for the first time. Trying to brush up on math that you've forgotten years ago.

Speaking of school work, I need to get back to it. I'll write again when I can.

Swelltide.

My prescription has lapsed, again. It has been a couple of days and I haven't had the ambition, the drive to get it filled. I am not even sure where the prescription actually is and my next psychiatry meeting isn't until next week. Therapy this week, I need to cancel because of circumstances at work.

I alternate between feeling invincible and being full of energy, to feeling like I can't do anything. The last couple of days, I've barely been able to get myself out of bed on time and show up to work when I am supposed to. It just doesn't seem important. Due in no small part, because of nights like tonight where it gets late and I'm not tired, or don't want to go to bed.

Work has been a bust for me the last few days. I drive the hour to work and find out that nothing is really going on. I am glad for the break, seeing as how last week I worked a jillion hours. I deserve it, somehow. Though I know that I should be working all that I can now as school is coming up and I could use the money.

What ever. Woe is me. I keep coming back to that, no matter how much I try. Try to focus on the positive. Try not to forget where I set something down. Try not to forget to put my reports through the system at the end of the day. Try to wake up on time. I always forget something, or forget to do something. It gets old. Having to make excuses, because I can't get out of bed on time or remember where something is.

On a lighter note, I was reading the Hobbit aloud to my girlfriend in bed. She fell asleep. It has been a while since we've done anything like this. Having our own place has been good for us both. I am afraid that when school starts, I am going to be so busy with work and my studies that I won't have time for things like this anymore. Spending time with her grounds me. It keeps me stable and focused. If it wasn't for her, I would probably be living out of my car and selling bootlegged movies to feed myself or something. She makes me sane.

Swelltide.

My life is exceedingly lonely, at times. It is easy to feel like people don't care, or don't bother to show that they care. It is easy to feel like the only person on earth going through what I go through. It isn't true, I know, but it feels that way at times.

Here it is, after two in the morning and I am scanning Facebook, inevitably coming across people that I once considered close friends. I search for people that I haven't talked to in years. People that I have had a falling-out with. Everything seems so distant and permanent.

My girlfriend and I were sitting around, talking about my family. I speak now about them in the past-tense. I feel like an outsider everywhere. At work. Here, living so close to my parents. When I am around my siblings. Around 'friends'. I have never been one of those people who have this need or drive to fit in. I have never understood conformist thinking. Not that I have dyed my hair blue and pierced my nose or anything. I am not much of a nonconformist either.

It would be nice to have more than a just one or two close friends around me, that I knew intimately. It is so hard to have an honest conversation with people now. Especially men. And I work in an industry full of bravado and ego. Blegh. How do you make friends, as an adult?

Swelltide.

I didn't mean to disappear for so long, but I've had a lot going on. Some much needed time alone with the girlfriend. We both skipped out of work. She's been dealing with a lot of stress and it finally caught up with her, I think. They've switched up her schedule at work and now we'll be seeing even less of each other. I gave her all the encouragement I could-- tried to convince her to leave her job. She's unappreciated, underpaid and she puts up with much more than I would.

It is a hard point to make to a workplace right now. That, sure, you could replace me and probably find some schmoe who has been out of work for a year or two, pay him less but they won't be up to snuff. Everyone sees dollar signs right now. Companies are squeezing employees for everything they can. It isn't fair, but what are you going to do? Leaving is your only real option-- that or drop out completely, as I plan on doing, and get more education.

It is summer, and that means an insane work-load for me-- so maybe soon I'll finally be caught up on some bills. Still no laptop, which makes this even harder. This computer can't do two things at once, and I don't have the patience to log on and wait. When I have things to get out of my addled brain, it needs to be right then.

The last couple of days, I have logged in and checked in. Read Sparta's last post. Thought about things. Would lose inspiration and just log off the computer.

"All around me are successful people, doing big things.  I know that I am more gifted than most of those people.  Yet, here I sit, bemoaning my pitiful self.  And I’m only pitiful because I’m too afraid to make a move."  

I have wanted so desperately to contact him. But, I wouldn't know what to say, really. Other than-- that statement-- has been the story of my life. I am a coward. I can't speak up when I need to. I can barely get myself to do the day to day things that seem simple to everyone else. The last long-term friendships that I've made, other than my girlfriend, were when I was fourteen. These people, whose parents had money for college, or have had the drive to push through life on their own-- now have children, or degrees or some concrete life-plan. All I have is a rented house from my parents and no real goal for the future other than finishing up with school.

A lot of people I work with, or have known in the past, consider me one of the smartest people that they've met. I don't mean to sound egotistical-- this I think is a defining trait of someone living with bipolar. I am a musician, I think abstractly, I paint and write-- I read books about theoretical physics, for fun. Thoughts are simple things, to me-- and action is so difficult.

I have done nothing with my life. I have accomplished little beyond working the same job for seven years-- coming home at the end of a long day (or short day) and plucking a few strings on the guitar. Watching television for hours, until I go to bed. I procrastinate. I am seemingly incapable of doing the simplest things-- the things that other people don't think twice about.  To make it all worse, I struggle with the guilt of this on a daily basis. That I have done nothing. That I have wasted so much time.

No therapy again until the 5th of July, and I feel kind of lost. I may have to break from my job-- or not. I may lose my insurance if that happens-- if that happens. I am trying to catch up on all of things I should have done weeks ago to get into school. The phone rings and I don't answer because I don't feel like talking. Every little action seems so monumental. Every little stress is blown way out of proportion. A depressive period, that seems like nothing, because I've lived this way my entire life.

So, yes. I think this is enough for now. More maybe in a day or two. Getting the laptop back, hopefully, tomorrow.

Swelltide.

She said, "It is hard to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable."

I wanted to get defensive. I wanted to tell her that there are times, between the ups and downs, when I am feeling pretty good. That I am not always a basket case. I am not always asleep, or irritable. I am not always locked away in a little room, chain-smoking cheap cigarettes. I am not always walking back and forth because I can't find something that I've just set down somewhere. I am not always awake at three in the morning because I'm not tired.

The truth, though, is that most of the time I am-- one or more of those things.

This isn't fair to anyone, least of all for those people that need me. Need me to be organized. Thoughtful. Empathetic. Or anything in that long list of things that I can't be at the moment. Even normal things-- brushing my teeth, washing my clothes, doing the dishes-- seem to take a monumental amount of effort.

My job bores me, and I'm not payed well. Every day is the growing anticipation that I can go home, to peace and quiet, and be myself. But, I can disappear for an hour or two and no one cares. I can go park somewhere and take a nap. I can drive to the park and walk in the woods. No one even knows that I'm gone. The benefits to me outweigh the disadvantages, for now.

Where else can I go, that would deal with someone who can barely get himself out of bed in the morning? Where else would put up with me being aggressive at times. Quiet at times. Asleep in the car somewhere. Working for the government somewhere. Maybe, that is what I need-- a state job, behind a desk.