Swelltide.

Up early this morning to cram for a lab final. Tired. Skipping class tonight to study for a quiz and a test tomorrow. Priorities.

None of the stuff I am reading is sticking in my sluggish brain this morning. I have definitely been in a slump. Can't concentrate. Tired. Having a hard time getting myself out of bed, out the door. In the bipolar world-- a depressive state.

I will be so glad when this semester is over. I am tired of questioning my intellect, my ambition, my suitability for school. Am really looking forward to a fresh start, even if it means taking some classes over.

Swelltide.

Quick update here as I have a lot of studying to do and not a lot of time to finish it all. Test tomorrow. Stress.

My girlfriend has been diagnosed by a doctor as having depression and anxiety. Prescribed some medication and there you go. We didn't talk for long as she is still staying with her mom. The doctor didn't talk to her at all about going to talk to a shrink. Just, here you go-- have some pills. Sounds a lot like my experience as a kid going to the doctor and being prescribed Paxil. No conversation, just-- have some pills.

I wish she would consider going to talk to someone. Maybe she has. Maybe, she is considering it. I don't know yet. I know we're having a 'talk'. Soon. When I'm not busy every waking moment studying and trying to keep up with homework, tests, lab reports...

I know it was going to be this way, but I didn't know it was going to be this way, to this extent. I am having problems getting up on time. Surprise. Keeping on top of everything that is due, and when. Studying. It is too much. Now add some potential relationship stress, which will probably become some family stress, which will become personal stress.

I don't want a caretaker. I don't want someone always looking out for me. I just need some things to come easier. I should be concentrating on my test tomorrow, but instead am thinking about this 'talk' coming up.

Swelltide.

I've been feeling bummed. Down. Having problems sleeping. No appetite. The blues.

The people around me, who know of my being bipolar; most of them haven't realized yet that this means I deal with depression. Or they haven't given it much thought. Being mildly depressed is standard for me. Having problems motivating myself. Finding enjoyment in things. I've lived with depression for so long though, I know of ways around it. I've learned ways of ignoring it, pushing through it, and pretending for everyone else that everything is okay. Sometimes, it is hard. Sometimes, I can't.

I got a 40% on my first chemistry quiz, and beat myself up about for a little while. I know what I need to do. I need to hit the books. I need to practice the math. I need to catch up. I didn't have this in high school. I should have been been doing this from the first day of class. I'll know that I am in real trouble after this week coming up. A biology test, and a chemistry test. 

My girlfriend came home for a day, then went back to her mom's. She's feeling clausterphobic at home. Having some weird symptoms, and having a hard time eating. Being around her mom helps her to feel better, and eases some anxiety.

Swelltide.

It has been a while since the big bipolar diagnosis. Four months, or five. I have school coming up. A major change at work, being that I go part-time-- or not at all, depending on how they react to me not being available all hours of the day. I am planning a discussion about the diagnosis with my family, though I don't think this talk will come any time soon.

It is something that I've brought up in therapy and keep coming back to. When to tell people and who to tell. I am not afraid of any kind of stigma, but more like a reaction to my emotions. I don't care if people know that I am crazy. Ha. Anyone who knows me really well knows that I am. I don't want to have people downplaying how I feel or what I think because they know that I am bipolar. I don't want to be in an argument and have someone dismiss what I say because I am 'unstable', or 'manic.' People are dismissive of how I feel already. It would just be an excuse to accuse me of overreacting. Or being down.

A quick appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow, and then therapy in the afternoon. I may ask for something to ease anxiety. Which, I know will be a problem when school starts and I am sitting in a shoebox of a room with no one that I know. I have been anxious lately under normal circumstances.

I have not been sleeping well, but am still reluctant to take on more medication than is good for me. I do not need to be taking something for mania, something for depression, something for anxiety and something to help me sleep. I don't want all of those meds. I have had a hard enough time taking the one pill, every day, like I am supposed to.

I wish there were one other person with bipolar, that I knew personally and could talk to. Someone who has lived with it for a while. It would make everything so much easier for me, because I do feel like nobody really understands what it is like. I do feel like I don't know enough about what I am going through, myself. And knowing is everything for me. I have to know what to expect. I must know what I'm dealing with. What is around the corner.

Because I haven't been taking my meds like I should, my mood has been somewhat unstable. I wake up feeling one way and come home feeling another. I have been somewhat irritable. Mostly, I've been feeling detached from people, without any real explanation. Lonely, but mostly separated from everyone around me. I've even gone so far as to Google this feeling. An emotion that there really isn't a word for. Depression.

I hate that word. Depression. Like an old friend who had sex with your wife. The attitudes of my family and friends to this word, is equally patronizing and pitiful. I don't even openly talk about it with anyone anymore. Maybe, I am depressed. If I am though, it is different for me now than when I have experienced it before. I am still productive. Still about to get myself out of bed and to work, though not always on time. I don't have the desire to pull the shades down on all the windows and not talk for a few days.

If I talked to my psychiatrist about it, or my therapist, drugs would be the answer. I just don't want anymore medication. So, what do you do?

Swelltide.

Not really tired. Took a nap when I got home. Long and boring day at work.

Met with my psychiatrist-- she seems happy with the level of medication I am on. Surprised that it is working so well, so soon. We've talked about some kind of antidepressant-- but I am not ready. Not her recommendation, but mine.

Depression is much easier for me. I have lived with it in on a daily basis since my teens. I know things to do to drag myself up a little bit. I know how to kick myself in the butt when I need to. Sometimes, it doesn't work. Sometimes it does. Depression doesn't scare me-- bipolar does.

This might change. It probably will change. I don't want to start on a lot of medications when I may be losing my insurance soon. School soon. Maybe changing my job soon. That is why I am not ready. A smaller part of my hesistation is the junkie mentality-- I don't really know life without meloncholy. Living with depression, though it doesn't make life any easier for me, is all that I've known as an adult. It is hard to see things any other way.

Tonight, I feel isolated. I feel shut-off from the world.

I have been thinking about my inability to form real bonds with people the last couple of days. I meet people, get invited out. To parties, to the bars, to a cook-out-- whatever. I decline. This happens until they give up. I don't disclose anything about myself to others. Other than my girlfriend-- and some things that she knows about me, took me years to tell her. I don't find joy in people anymore.

I don't know what to do with this-- elitism, fear of vulnerability, anxiety. I don't know how to fix it. We talk about it a lot in therapy, but it all has a tendacy to come full circle.