Swelltide.

Maybe... Maybe if I were only taking one or two class without labs. I don't know... I feel like going back to school was just a pipe dream.

I have been so down on myself, and been so focused on the fact that I haven't been doing that well at school that it makes it all that much harder to focus, to study. I mean, I can barely get myself out of bed on time, which prior to going back to school was affecting my performance at work. I don't have to worry about that now because I haven't been working as much as I should (or need to). I barely show up at work at all, and they have actually been far more supportive of me than I ever imagined that they would be.

The mixture of frustration, guilt and anger that I feel about everything. I have borrowed all of this money to make it happen and I can't really force myself to do well. I have put my girlfriend in the position of earning most of the money and being the core financial support for us both. I have been passively avoiding my parents because I 'owe' them rent and money that I have borrowed. And, then I get pissed off with myself because none of this should have ever happened. It was a bad idea blindly leaping back into school, of blindly renting a place from my parents-- knowing especially how they act and deal with things-- AND  now having the bipolar monster on my back.

Being optimistic always seems to get me in trouble.

I was so worked up last night, that I rolled out of bed at one in the morning and sat down on the couch to do breathing exercises. If only that were enough.

I am not organized. I am not focused. I am poorly adjusted to being a student, a worker or a human being. I think my girlfriend's doctor was right in saying that I am not good for her. What a thing to admit to yourself-- that you aren't good for the people you love. I am a coward. I am incapable of saying how I truly feel-- to save people the hurt of my opinions, even though there are only a handful of people around me that give a damn about how I might be feeling.

I hate myself sometimes, and hate myself for hating myself. What do you do with that? I desperately need to grow up, but I don't know how...