Swelltide.

I am nearly finished with the blog and nearly finished with a great many things...

Not sure why I am even writing.

I want for everything to be different. And, I can't change anything. I want to have been born to a different family. I wish I had been born to a family where education was important, and where wanting the best for your child was what was important. It isn't. It wasn't. I never was. I want to have been born into a family where family comes before something else.

Sometimes, when I watch television, and the kids grow up... go off to college.. the parents had saved for their collage. When I think of my friends, whose parents had saved for their education. When their parents had felt an obligation to their kids... The family gets together and eats together and the family is a unit.

It isn't always possible to do for yourself. It is, however, possible to do for those that came after...

I don't want to be a drain on society. I want to create. I want to inspire...

Swelltide.

Sitting in Starbucks with a tall coffee that was empty about an hour ago. Studying physics, with Google at the ready to help me with answers. I don't know what I am doing really.

School so far has made me feel incompetent, slow, frustrated. Here, I've borrowed all of this money, which I still haven't received, and I am not sure that I am even passing all of my classes. I am putting the time in. I am putting in more time is some things than they deserve or would take anyone else, and I'm not getting it. The quality of my professors has not met my expectations. The quality of the school itself has not met my expectations. People refer to this place as the 'Harvard of the south'. A bunch of bullshit. I don't know if this is a systemic thing, where you pay all of this money and no one seems to give a shit. I dunno... I know if it stays like this, I am not going to make it. Maybe transfer schools. Maybe dumb down my degree until I get one. And these are freshman classes.

I know what the school would say. Get a tutor. Go see your professor. I have one professor who is contemptuous of the students who are struggling. Of the people who this stuff doesn't come easily to. That is what I am paying all of this money for. And a tutor, seriously? I am working already as much as I can to help with bills and I don't have time to keep up with my assignments as it is. How am I going to find time for a tutor.

Maybe this was all a pipe dream. To the tune of 10k dollars, at least I can say that I tried if it doesn't work out.

I had to walk out of my chemistry lab today. I took about thirty minutes to walk around outside before I went back in. I kept thinking, 'what am I doing here?!' I got bumped from another lab partner. This has happened to me every week in two of my labs. Here I am, the older guy, who doesn't know how to balance a chemical equation, who doesn't know what the molecular formulas for the chemicals are-- who would want to be my lab partner? Seriously. I suck at math. I haven't had any of this stuff, except biology before. I feel like I am smarter than this. I didn't finish the assignment, and surprise, my professor didn't really give a shit.

Work has written me off. Not even scheduling things for me anymore. I haven't gotten my financial aide refund. I have no money. A Psych appointment tomorrow. Everything around me is a mess.

Some big news. I told my mother about me being bipolar. So, she knows. It didn't go exactly like I expected it to. No concern, really for me. I told her because my girlfriend felt that she couldn't be the only emotional support that I have. Good luck, getting my parents to be all that supportive. I don't think its going to happen and I am afraid that it is going to lead to the choice of me moving out and probably damaging the already tenuous relationship I have with my parents. Or, my girlfriend moves out. She hasn't been home for close to two weeks. I think at this point, and until we actually say that we're moving out, I cannot expect too much of my parents. Especially, emotionally. It has been this way my whole life.

I still don't even know how I feel about my mom knowing. My dad knowing. I don't know the implications yet-- if there are any. But, I don't really like anyone knowing anything about me.