Swelltide.

Had dinner with the family the other night. The first time all of us have gotten together in a long time. Just mom, dad and the kids. I was so full of energy and had been feeling fuzzy, alternating between anxious and hyper for most of the day. Some woman at the table next to ours made some comment about every family having someone they just couldn't take out in public. It didn't bother me at the time. I just chuckled and didn't think about it. But, I've been thinking about it since. I am still not accustomed to calling this 'mania.' My girlfriend had noticed the other night when we went out that I was more hyper than normal, and was little too free with my money.

I have given up on the notion of being like other people. Sometimes, it doesn't seem fair. Living with the up-and-down. Sometimes not having the drive to get out of bed on time. Being overly excitable.  Being so full of energy that I can't hold it all in. Most of the time, I don't have any interest in being 'normal.'

Then, I think about what this is going to do for me in the long-run. Having to explain why my work performance has not been what it normally is. Having to make some excuse for why I am running late, again. Having those people close to me wondering about my mental-state. Living with the fear that I might not be able to make the kind of friendships and relationships that I want, knowing people don't really understand. I still don't fully understand.

I probably should make an appointment soon, get back on the meds.

Swelltide.

The girlfiend, "Your energy is all jacked up." Surprise. On an upswing. Haven't been sleeping much. Taking sleeping pills to fall asleep. Haven't been staying asleep-- but, I feel good. Welcome to mania. (Well, hypomania in my case).

The medication is obviously helping though. No aggression. Not a whole lot of irritability. Just energy. Though, I am having problems concentrating. I am still thinking fast. Talking fast. Some noise is grating. I have not however been tempted to put my fist in someone's face, or put a hole in the wall. Good.

It is getting better... this, is not so bad.

Sparta

Greetings,

Swelltide asked for a companion to write along with him in his blog, and I told him that I’d give it a try.  It took me a while to get around to it though.  I finally have.  It’s partly due to my long-distance girlfriend visiting, but it’s also partly not.  I’m not exactly in the best shape currently.  We can get to that later though.

DISCLAIMER: This will probably be a bit lengthy, and you’ll know way more about me than you ever cared to know.  I also will occasionally use swear words or discuss/reference heavy subjects like suicide.  Apologies in advance.

A “QUICK” ASIDE

Suicide isn’t a good idea.  I know you hear the PSAs, etc. often, but if you’re even thinking about suicide then you need to seek help immediately.  That doesn’t mean that you need to seek help once you’re walking to the bridge.  If you are feeling down in the dumps and even have suicide cross your mind then you probably need to talk to someone, even a friend or relative.  Ideally you would go to a counselor, therapist, or other professional, but anything is better than sitting in a hospital gown in the psychiatric ward (not to mention being dead). 

There really isn’t any shame in reaching out before you even get to the point of suicidal thoughts.  There will be people who don’t understand and think that you’re just being dramatic or something like that.  Fuck them.  Most of those people wouldn’t have a different opinion after a suicide attempt.  They just won’t get it.  I don’t mean to say that they’re necessarily bad people.  They’re usually older and come from a time that had even less understanding of the brain and mental health than we do today.  Plus, you just can’t really see a mental health disorder, and someone who hasn’t experienced one may not understand.

END LECTURE

I think a brief introduction would probably be useful now.  I have been diagnosed with a mental health disorder for about three years now.  I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about two years ago.  Prior to my mental health issues I had been a 3.8 student at a major university with no physical or mental ailments.  I got a cold or the flu every once in a while, but I was very healthy overall.  I then failed all of my classes in the first semester of my junior year.  I would shut myself in my room except for the bathroom and food for days.  Things were pretty bleak.  I had to call a friend in late November while holding a bottle of pills. 

That prompted me to get serious about finding professional help.  I was diagnosed with major depression and began therapy and medicine.  I still failed all but one of my classes during the second semester.  The hardest thing was just getting out of bed and going to class.  Writing papers was the second hardest thing.  That combination isn’t a recipe for success in college or really anywhere for that matter.

Nevertheless, I got a sweet job that summer and was having a great time.  I felt alive again.  I was around a lot of intellectual people, having fun, and doing my job well.  I was really thriving, but then on the last day we all went out to celebrate.  Something like six or eight hours later, I don’t really know for sure, some cops found me drunkenly stumbling down the street with my wrists bleeding.  I spent a few days in inpatient care and then a week in outpatient care, where they diagnosed me with bipolar 2.  Apparently, I had essentially been manic all summer, and that night it all came to a head.

My life has improved since then.  Medicines to treat bipolar disorder and therapy have helped immensely, and my amazing girlfriend, who stuck with me through the whole ordeal, helped even more.  I just graduated with a bachelor’s degree this May for instance.

By no means has it been a smooth ride though.  I can’t say that I haven’t ever had thoughts of suicide since that awful night.  I have lost touch with a lot of friends and have a much-diminished social life.  Keeping obligations, even important ones like therapy, has not been easy.  Paying bills on time is hard.  I can’t seem to handle everything in life at once, and that’s not even during the low points.

I’d say I’m somewhere in a down period right now.  I have to find a new psychiatrist because my current one will be leaving, and I have to contact her to get more sleeping meds.  Consequently, I have been staying awake until 6 or 7 in the morning and sleeping until 4 or 5 in the afternoon.  When I miss appointments with my therapist I usually can’t get myself to reschedule for a few weeks, and I missed an appointment almost a month ago.  So I haven’t seen him in a while.  I need to amend that.

Right now, I have been awake since 4:30 yesterday afternoon.  Videogames and TV have occupied most of my waking hours.  It really isn’t very ideal for a recent college graduate, seeing as I don’t have a job…

If you haven’t noticed already, I’m not the best writer.  I tend to ramble and have a mixture of formal and informal sentences.  Without frequent consultation of a thesaurus, I overuse certain words.  There is probably more that I don’t even notice.  And since I’m pointing out flaws, I have always been an extremely negative, critical person.  Especially toward myself.  (I’m also not going to always use complete sentences, proper grammar, nor proper structure.)  This negativity paralyzes me sometimes.

I want to help with Swelltide’s blog because, as he has pointed out, there isn’t a wealth of information for people with bipolar disorder.  More specifically, I haven’t found anything like this blog.  Message boards can be helpful, but they don’t have running commentary from someone.  You can read about other fucked up people’s problems and find some advice from other anonymous sources.  However, maybe this blog will help someone, and that makes it more that worth it.  Even if it doesn’t, it will still probably be therapeutic for me. 

So you’ll see posts from me now.  They’ll probably be more infrequent than Swelltide’s, but hopefully I’ll be helpful in adding a second perspective to bipolar disorder.  I will also try to keep my posts shorter than this one in the future too.  Congratulations on making it through my first one ever.

Cheers,

Sparta

Swelltide.

Woke up. Threw some clothes on. Saw it wasn't raining, as I had been expecting, and grabbed some coffee, keys, put the dog on the porch, went back for the keys I left on the rail, checked the door to make sure the dog couldn't escape and zipped off to work.

My work phone and some equipment I needed were left at the house. I go out to the job and realized I didn't have them. I have a picture holding these things in my head. Was it from yesterday? The day before? Commence freak out. I had convinced myself that they were laying in a mud puddle somewhere. I ask a guy on the job about it, and he doesn't understand. I'm talking a thousand miles and hour.

I don't get it. I can't expect people around me to understand. This bipolar ordeal is confusing to me. Makes me angry, which makes me want to lock myself in a little room somewhere and throw paint all over the walls. Having little control over how you feel, how you talk. Narcolepsy would be so much easier!

I love to sleep.

I've been looking for stories about others who were recently diagnosed. To find out how they handle it. There isn't a whole lot out there. Many, many blogs that have been abandoned. A few forums. Nothing really personal. I don't know how to cope yet. How to deal. What to do when I'm clearly down, or when my mind is acting like a blender on high. I'm beginning to get really pissed off at myself. Even that! I don't know how to deal with.

Therapy tomorrow. I am excited, for answers. Scared, because I might find out some things that I don't like. Anxious-- because when aren't I? My girlfriend will be with me, and at least there is that.

So the phone? It was on the counter. I probably never picked it up in the first place. So, this is what crazy is like... an eighty year Alzheimer's patient, whose mind never shuts off.

Swelltide.

My favorite poet? Walt Whitman. No wonder...
A link: The Famous Crazies

Today has been fairly even-keeled, though I'm tired and having some trouble concentrating. Have been doing some mental-health homework. Added a few useful sites to the links section. I'm sure that only a few people have seen my nutty rambling so far. I'm proud it-- my writing-- if only to help put some things in order in my head.

I've avoided everyone at work. Not in the mood for the immature soap opera that is my office. Whispering, all day long. This place isn't good for someone like myself. Not that I'm at risk of going postal-- but maybe exploding on someone. Mania is my weapon.

Ha! The things I've learned about bipolar already.