Swelltide.

I am playing hooky today. Which, is awesome-- it being only the third real day of classes. I feel like a real idiot.

Last night, after spending almost thirteen hours on homework, I got into to bed to study Spanish. Then, couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned. Switched ends of the bed. Took clothes off and put clothes on. At one point, I became so frustrated that I threw some things across the room and stormed off into the bath room. When I finally fell asleep, the sun was coming up.

I had plans of waking up early. Studying, and getting some things done. Finishing up homework. I doubt it will happen today. Any of it.

I would love to file a formal disability with the school-- I gave up that hope of playing at normalcy a long time ago-- but, in order to do so, you must be seeking 'help' with whatever condition you happen to have. In my case this would mean medication, which I can't afford or therapy, which I can't afford.

I don't want hand-outs. I just want to be able to sleep. As far as receiving some kind of aide or help with medication, I don't really know where to look. Many of the medications available for bipolar come with potentially nasty side effects or complications-- which require regular check-ups. Which, I don't have the money for.

When does this end?

I would hate to think that giving up my steady but dead-end job to go back to school and better myself was a mistake.

But, maybe it was.

Swelltide.

I am hoping to be far more active now that my new PC has arrived. It is really difficult to post from a two inch screen from your cell phone. 

School has started back up. Already, having some issues staying on track, staying focused and getting things done. Anxiety, though as far as first days go, this semester was relatively smooth. 

Recently, I've had problems sleeping. Starting off the days feeling sluggish and tired. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I am wide awake. Probably time to start therapy back. Get back on the medication. Start dealing with the day to day stress again, rather than pretending that nothing bothers me.

Anyway, here is a link about about mental disorders and genetics that I came across today. More evidence has surfaced that many mental disorders may be the result of a gene at work. The article is worth a look. 

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/264715.php

Swelltide.

Still sleepless. Up late last night but, at least with the time change I won't have so much trouble waking up early tomorrow. Earlier anyway.

THE conversation with the folks tonight. We will see how that goes. I am tired of feeling anxious about it, worrying about it and thinking about it. I don't know what to expect, won't be surprised by anything that happens and will be glad that it is over. Get to move on-- here or elsewhere. Put school first, regardless of where we live. My only hope is that it doesn't damage the relationship that I have with my parents permanently. Which, is a possibility.

Talked to my aunt last night online about being bipolar. Brings the personal tally of people I have told up to five or six. She was kind enough to pass along some advice-- though, I suspect there are others in the family with bipolar, she is the only other one formally diagnosed. She is very open about it. I admire her for that.

Spoke with my academic adviser about my grades and the next semester. I may be downgrading my degree, depending on how the rest of the semester goes. Which is fine. I am glad that I have that option, and am still able to end up with a degree in the field that I want. I have been feeling so guilty about not doing better in school, with all the time that I've dedicated and with all the effort that I've put into it. The debt that I have accumulated to go. All of the sacrifices that I've made to make it happen.

Swelltide.

We have weathered the storm fairly well. A lot of rain, but no flooding and unlike a lot of people on the east coast, we have power. Have spent the last couple of days at the resort where my girlfriend works, eating pizza and watching television. School closed yesterday and today-- so, I have had a little bit of a break, after having a few days off last week. It has been nice, but I am spending today trying to catch up on the homework that I should have been doing.

Going through another sleepless period and might try taking my medication earlier in the day to see if that helps. And, not sleeping well. Went to bed last night fairly early last night but woke up early and couldn't fall back asleep. A couple of nights before last night, I didn't head to bed until well after three in the morning. Just not tired, and I have given up completely on trying to make myself sleep. It just frustrates me.