Swelltide.

Class C flip out last night. Could not sleep and was getting frustrated. Punched the pillow a few times. Tossed and turned all night, and wanted to scream or put my fist through a wall, which I couldn't do because there were kids asleep downstairs.

I have been in a terrible mood the last couple days, just wanting some space; some peace and quiet. Some privacy. The ability to walk around in my underwear, if I wanted to.

Our roomate has taken it upon herself to clean up the basement with the intention to put the kids down there at night, which I learned about from my girlfriend before heading to bed. I tell them, "You can't do that." It is damp and there is mold. The renovation inspection says it is not liveable space. There is a reason that no one else has a basement in this area. It is just too damp... She says, "Well we need to figure something out."

No. She needs to figure something out. Like, her own house. Like not sitting around all day causing drama with the kid's dad on Facebook. Like focusing on what is best for here children. I would want better if it were my own kids but what do I know? Sleeping on an air matress...

Again, I find myself in a situation where I feel like I can't say much. When I cannot sleep, it would be nice juat to lay down on my own damn couch.

That is where I'm at.

Swelltide.

Still sleepless. Up late last night but, at least with the time change I won't have so much trouble waking up early tomorrow. Earlier anyway.

THE conversation with the folks tonight. We will see how that goes. I am tired of feeling anxious about it, worrying about it and thinking about it. I don't know what to expect, won't be surprised by anything that happens and will be glad that it is over. Get to move on-- here or elsewhere. Put school first, regardless of where we live. My only hope is that it doesn't damage the relationship that I have with my parents permanently. Which, is a possibility.

Talked to my aunt last night online about being bipolar. Brings the personal tally of people I have told up to five or six. She was kind enough to pass along some advice-- though, I suspect there are others in the family with bipolar, she is the only other one formally diagnosed. She is very open about it. I admire her for that.

Spoke with my academic adviser about my grades and the next semester. I may be downgrading my degree, depending on how the rest of the semester goes. Which is fine. I am glad that I have that option, and am still able to end up with a degree in the field that I want. I have been feeling so guilty about not doing better in school, with all the time that I've dedicated and with all the effort that I've put into it. The debt that I have accumulated to go. All of the sacrifices that I've made to make it happen.