Swelltide.

Class starts tomorrow and there nothing to be done. Nothing needing to be done. I am not anxious, or excited-- as I have been in the past. Seems to be just another thing, which is a welcome change.

Still no medication. I have signed up for the government health care, and was dismayed by the price of the supposed affordable health insurance. So, I will wait. I live in a state in which a republican governor has declined the expansion of Medicare/Medicaid. I will not be receiving any help from the state. What a frustrating ordeal the whole thing is. Inexcusable. I never wanted to be a 'burden' on the state, but neither was I ever counting on having to have health insurance.

I have been mildly low today. Forlorn. A little blue. Hope this improves by tomorrow. I would like to start the new semester on a good note.

Swelltide.

My girlfriend and I had a crisis meeting with my therapist yesterday. We all talked about the living situation. Stress. Being ill all the time. How hectic everything is for us right now. And, school. So much has been thrown in our path. We're both dealing with a lot.

For my girlfriend to be able to talk about things, and someone not to dismiss how she feels or make her  feel crazy. For someone to offer the kind of support, and to suggest the kind of things that she had been saying, feeling and thinking for so long-- she really needed it.

Here I am, in this position where I have so much to do, and so much to focus on, that I can't offer the kind of support that she needs. She keeps saying that she doesn't want to come home. I know that, in part, it is because I can't be there for her in the way that needs me to be. The guilt I feel for that. The one person in the world who means the most to me, who has been there for me even at the times when I didn't deserve it...

Her anxiety is better. Her IBS, as the doctor calls it, really isn't. The therapist believes, as I do, that it is stress induced. Since we've lived over here, both of us have been sick almost constantly. Sleeping a lot.  Wanting to be left alone. Not eating like we should be, or taking care of ourselves like we should be. She is depressed. Dealing with stress. And, it is taking a toll on her health.

We've dealt with a potential law suite, my almost being laid-off, my car breaking down. Refurbishing this place that was supposed to be ours, that was supposed to be cheap, that was supposed to be a retreat. Instead, we're paying more, dealing with things not being fixed and the appliances breaking down-- and getting none of the things that we wanted. It is an hour away from anything, so we're dealing with a much larger expense in gasoline. It is dark, and musty. Our basement is full of damp and bugs. It isn't our home, just some place that we rent. Mom has done her best to remind us constantly of whose place it really is. And, I have dad coming in whenever he pleases to get tools or furniture out that should have gone before we moved in.

None of this is right, fair, or just. We were expected to put in all of this free labor into a place that turned out to be nothing that we wanted. My girlfriend's parents donated all of this flooring early on, because my parents were selling this as a wonderful opportunity for us. And we've ended up paying much more than what we thought we were going to, and doing a lot of the touch-ups ourselves. I don't  like thinking of this way about my own parents, at all. But, we got screwed. And now, the girlfriend wants to move out, because of the way we've been treated and because of my mother's personality... and I am in this terrible position of having to potentially sever ties with my parents forever, or continue putting up with things the way they are.

I know, when we have the conversation about moving-- that it will be the end of any relationship with my mother. I can be branded as a selfish child who is ungrateful for all the things that I've been given. And that will be that. I will talk to my dad here and there, get some mail from him once in a while and see them on Christmas without any actual involvement as a family.

Everything here seems to revolve around my mother's emotional needs. Everything has always revolved around my mother's emotional needs. She is so jumbled and so tangled emotionally, that everything around her, must be complicated. She is bitter, and negative. She refuses to deal with it or to talk about it. It is something I have talked about in therapy almost every visit. I expect my mom to be a mom. To offer the kind of support, caring and concern that a mother should. But, she can't. When I had the conversation with her about my being bipolar-- it was the same as any serious conversation that I have ever had with her. I approach her almost like she is a child. I have to be very careful about what I say, and how I say it. Then, everything becomes about her. How unhappy she is. How she never has been happy. How she has dealt with certain things. It is her way of acknowledging what I am going through while at the same time telling me that she can't be counted on for any real support.

That is what is always comes down to. She wants to help, maybe, but can't because she deals with her own shit. Her own shit that she doesn't like to think about because it scares her to death. I talked to her about going to talk to a shrink, but she won't do it. It scares her to much. "If you start where do you stop..." I couldn't say anything because there wasn't anything that I could say that would actually help. What needs to be said and probably never will is, "If you don't want to help yourself mom, I can't make you, but I need you to be a parent. I have always needed you to be a parent." My dad, who I used to have so much respect for, who I still have a lot of respect for... I pity them. Even this makes me feel guilty. What child should pity his parents?

It was a terrible idea renting from my parents.

The plan at this point, is to have several plans. We're going to talk to my parents about needing to live here for either really cheap or pay no rent at all. The plan then, if this doesn't work, is to live with my girlfriend's parents for a few months to save money and get a place closer to school and her work. This is probably what we've needed to do in the first place. If we can't do that then we are going to move to some hole-in-wall place short-term until we can figure things out. We probably qualify now for a rent controlled apartment. I am honestly hoping that my parents don't want this to happen. It would be easier then for us to move on. What happens if they say that they will help us out, and we continue to be unhappy here?

I have enough to do, that I don't honestly believe that I can go on this way-- and keep up with everything. Working as much as I can. Commuting two hours every day. Spending every spare moment that I have studying, and now trying to catch up on all of the things that I need to know but haven't done well on. Reading. Homework. Lab reports. Tests. Keeping the house straight. Trying to clean and organize. And, all of the other things that go along with day to day life-- taking care of my car, making sure the animals are feed. Getting in some exercise. I may have taken on too much. Now, we may be moving. Now, I have all of this crap to deal with that should have been dealt with a long time ago.

Never again will I put us into a situation like this without first considering all of the details. There were no expectations going into moving here. There wasn't much of a conversation about how much rent was going to end up being or what we were going to be responsible for in the end. My mom is pushing for us to sign a two-year lease, and it isn't going to happen. I don't know if I can stay even for a few more months.

Swelltide.

I need to find a balance. This is a hard thing to describe.

I need a balance between being bipolar and living my bipolar.

I have been doing homework. Reading about bipolar. Finding and reading blogs of people who live with bipolar. Keeping track of my moods and recording them on a mood chart. Paying attention to what might be a mood trigger. I have started seeing the weather-- the weather!!-- in terms of my bipolar. 'Its cloudy out today... wonder how that's going to make me feel...' I have my medication to remember and trying to eat healthy, because of bipolar. I have to try to get in some exercise, because of my bipolar. It has gotten a little tiring, and though this is what I am supposed to be doing-- it can't be healthy.

Surely, focusing on a diagnosis so much gives it a kind of energy. Three sessions with my new-age therapist and I've already started thinking this way. Hah.

Everything has become bipolar.

The balance, I think should be getting healthy and staying healthy for the sake of being healthier. Not just because of bipolar. I should want to exercise to be in better shape. I should want to not smoke so much, to not die at forty years old of a stroke. Not just because of bipolar. I should be trying to get regular sleep to feel better during the day. Not just because of bipolar.

I look forward to the day when my mood disorder is no longer in the front of my mind. I look forward to the day when everything isn't because of bipolar.

Swelltide.

Nothing like a slow, easy day. Though, I didn't sleep well last night and was sluggish this morning, I feel decent now. Got some stuff done-- but still mostly living out of boxes. My plan for tomorrow is to unpack what I can and organize the house a little.

I am not sure if this is a bipolar thing or a personality thing, but I feel so much better when I can catch a nap sometime throughout the day. Inevitably, around one or two in the afternoon my thinking becomes cloudy and I slow down. I have a feeling that this has much more to do with not getting sleep like I should.

Life is so much better when things slow down. As the work week progresses, I fall farther and farther behind on paperwork because I don't have the energy to keep up. My reports become sloppy. I don't get the sleep that I need. Throw a few depressive days in there, and I get run down. Which, only adds more stress. I don't eat like I should and I'm usually not getting a significant amount of exercise.

When I asked my therapist whether or not she believed that I am bipolar, she said 'I think you have all the symptoms of being bipolar.' Which is beginning to make sense. When you aren't sleeping, eating or thinking the way that you should-- the mind can't keep up. I'm not completely convinced. There is the genetic component that I have. It runs in the family. But, keeping your body healthy would almost certainly help keep the mind healthy.