My life has gotten away from me. I don't blame anyone but myself.
I've wasted time. I've wallowed and bitched. I only half-heartedly attempt to get close to people, get to know people or reciprocate when the time comes. There will always be this distance between me an others-- and I'm not sure where it comes from.
More support would have been nice. I accept material support when what I want it emotional. I accept emotional support when what I want is material. It never is what I really want. Who am I kidding? I don't know what I want.
I know that I don't want to be a victim anymore. I know that I don't want to settle. I know that I can't remain stuck forever. I know that being unhappy all of the time will some day kill me, one way or another. I don't want to just be moody guy anymore...
personal writing of living with bipolar disorder. bipolar links, news and resources.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Monday, September 22, 2014
Swelltide.
I am nearly finished with the blog and nearly finished with a great many things...
Not sure why I am even writing.
I want for everything to be different. And, I can't change anything. I want to have been born to a different family. I wish I had been born to a family where education was important, and where wanting the best for your child was what was important. It isn't. It wasn't. I never was. I want to have been born into a family where family comes before something else.
Sometimes, when I watch television, and the kids grow up... go off to college.. the parents had saved for their collage. When I think of my friends, whose parents had saved for their education. When their parents had felt an obligation to their kids... The family gets together and eats together and the family is a unit.
It isn't always possible to do for yourself. It is, however, possible to do for those that came after...
I don't want to be a drain on society. I want to create. I want to inspire...
Not sure why I am even writing.
I want for everything to be different. And, I can't change anything. I want to have been born to a different family. I wish I had been born to a family where education was important, and where wanting the best for your child was what was important. It isn't. It wasn't. I never was. I want to have been born into a family where family comes before something else.
Sometimes, when I watch television, and the kids grow up... go off to college.. the parents had saved for their collage. When I think of my friends, whose parents had saved for their education. When their parents had felt an obligation to their kids... The family gets together and eats together and the family is a unit.
It isn't always possible to do for yourself. It is, however, possible to do for those that came after...
I don't want to be a drain on society. I want to create. I want to inspire...
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Swelltide.
Waiting, and bored. Getting her car inspected, and I am stuck in the waiting room. Morning T.V. talk-show and bad coffee.
I have been seriously worried about money the last couple of weeks. The girlfriend and I went to the dentist's a few weeks ago, paid out-of-pocket. Neither of us have insurance of any kind, and we can't really afford it. Learned that I need about four thousand dollars of work done. She tells me not to worry about it, but how can you not? I have student loans coming up because I've taken the semester off. We're talking about getting married and buying a house. Money, money and money... I have been working on a promotion at work. Again. It isn't likely to happen and I can't afford to waste any more of my time spinning my wheels and getting very little in return for all that I do. They haven't made me any promises. They never do. I am giving it a week and should I not hear anything more-- I'll be going after something which pays more (but that I will like less, probably.) I should have done it a long time ago.
No meds. Still. My last go at therapy was a bust. I am having these really intense bursts of emotion-- anger, frustration, anxiety; with little or no provocation. Proves to me how great that my girlfriend is, putting up with me all of the time. I can do nothing for it, or about it, now or any time soon.
I have been seriously worried about money the last couple of weeks. The girlfriend and I went to the dentist's a few weeks ago, paid out-of-pocket. Neither of us have insurance of any kind, and we can't really afford it. Learned that I need about four thousand dollars of work done. She tells me not to worry about it, but how can you not? I have student loans coming up because I've taken the semester off. We're talking about getting married and buying a house. Money, money and money... I have been working on a promotion at work. Again. It isn't likely to happen and I can't afford to waste any more of my time spinning my wheels and getting very little in return for all that I do. They haven't made me any promises. They never do. I am giving it a week and should I not hear anything more-- I'll be going after something which pays more (but that I will like less, probably.) I should have done it a long time ago.
No meds. Still. My last go at therapy was a bust. I am having these really intense bursts of emotion-- anger, frustration, anxiety; with little or no provocation. Proves to me how great that my girlfriend is, putting up with me all of the time. I can do nothing for it, or about it, now or any time soon.
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