Swelltide.

Today marked the end of my first semester (back) at school. Physics final this morning that I probably bombed, but I am feeling optimistic about it all now. Probably, because it is done. Over for now, and break until next month. Thinking of going into the office sometime later this week. Maybe.

My heart goes out to the kids and parents in Newtown. A lot of mental health 'talk' in the news. Crazy people and gun control. I don't really have anything overly meaningful to add to the whole debate, beyond being appalled by the way these kinds of things are being covered by the media on the left and the right.

Apparently talking about gun control in the wake of such an incident is 'knee-jerk.' I heard a lot of this on the A.M. stations much earlier this morning, on my way in to school. But, what other time is there, really? I am neither for nor against gun control. It seems futile to me. As futile as the likelihood of the war on terror having any real impact on terrorism the world-over. As futile as someone going into the broken U.S. prison system being rehabilitated.

If the time to talk about the big issues isn't after something like this happens, then when is the time? It is only in the wake of something like this that a real dialogue about important issues happens in the United States. Better now than never. Gun control won't happen in any meaningful way anyway, ever. Why? The 2nd Amendment. And, for the same reason that the war on terror is doomed, no child left behind is doomed, the war on drugs is doomed. Society approaches things like this in the worst possible way.

It will be interesting to see how much of this was misinformation, two weeks from now.

Everyone forgets about the children. That is what is really important. Some of the news networks were interviewing the children. Nothing is sacred anymore.

Anyway, I've felt fairly level the last few days. I haven't been sleeping well, but I toss it up to the stress of finals. Staying up late to study, coming home and crashing during the day, then I'm not tired at night. My system is out of whack. Something to work on.

Swelltide.

Yes, still awake. And, should be studying and doing something productive but am drinking a beer and watching the Late Late Show instead. Have a final coming up. The big one. The one that I probably won't do well on.

So, I procrastinate...

It is a funny thing. I obsess over tests and homework, give myself a hell of a time for not doing well-- but don't actually put the time in. Just being honest with myself, here.

I sometimes don't think I was ever meant to be a grown-up.

I lay down to take a nap earlier today. I drift in and out of sleep. I have these very vivid memories of being a teenager. Things that I have forgotten about, almost completely. Walking home from school and smoking one of my first cigarettes. Drinking cheap wine out of soda bottles on the way to school. Girls actually acting like they like me. Doing random, fun, outgoing-personality kind of things. Giving the finger to a car while passing the street. Holding hands with my 'girlfriend' in school. Falling asleep in the floor at a friend's house. Taping my name on the wall of her closet. I am overcome by this intense sense of nostalgia, regret and melancholy. There was a time-- the only time in my life that I can say that I was truly happy.

I didn't think about things, or over-think things. I just was. I was a weirdo. I had friends. I had fun.

What does it say about you, when the best moments in life happened when you fifteen?!

Now, I am barely in control of the things that I think. I am anxious. I am up and down. I don't even like myself most of the time, and I don't know what this means! I am not happy. That is what it means. I have a wonderful partner, that I have been with for a long time. She is anxious. Depressive. Like me. She now takes medication just to be able to cope with day to day stress. Just to be able to go into work, everyday.

How did my life end up like this?! Bipolar. Sad. Indecisive. Reclusive...

The past haunts me, at every turn in life. When I should be happy, I am thinking instead of when I was actually happy. When things are not well, I look to these people that meant so much to me at one time-- and I think, 'He has 700 friends on Facebook. He has the energy for school, work and Karate. She plays in a regionally-influential band. He is a web-developer, and has a good paying job in the town that I wish I could be living in.' Everyone else seems to be getting somewhere. Following their hearts. Making friends, and moving on. Having kids. Living overseas.

I can't get passed having a few awkward conversations with strangers at school. I am not even sure what having a platonic friendship is like, anymore. Woe-is me... blah blah blah.

Guilt. Memory. Shame. Guilt.

That is what my life has become.

There was a time when I would talk to anyone. I would make an ass out of myself for fun. I would get off on talking to people and disclosing things about myself. Anything for 'meaningful' conversation. I got a buzz even being around people. With a friend nearby I could, and would, do anything.

I have somehow lost all of that. I, of course, don't have any friends around me. The last friend that I made, was my beautiful and wonderful girlfriend. Almost a decade ago. Where does that magic go?

It hurts to think of the past, for the pang in my heart.

Swelltide.

My head feels a little strange today. Like, I've been on the verge of a migraine that hasn't come. Let's hope it stays that way.

Should be studying. A hundred things that I could be doing. Just don't feel like it. Final exams this week. I am oddly calm about it all, but will probably do what I normally do-- which is mostly nothing until the day before and then freak out because I am not prepared. The things I do to myself...

I am really looking forward to a new year. A fresh start. Getting somewhere. A short break coming up after finals. I can paint and write and read for fun! Only two weeks until the new semester, but so what? I am going to spend some time doing whatever it is that I want. Maybe try to pick up some hours at work. Maybe not.

Anyway, nothing new to report really. Just a lazy day.

Swelltide.

Up early this morning to cram for a lab final. Tired. Skipping class tonight to study for a quiz and a test tomorrow. Priorities.

None of the stuff I am reading is sticking in my sluggish brain this morning. I have definitely been in a slump. Can't concentrate. Tired. Having a hard time getting myself out of bed, out the door. In the bipolar world-- a depressive state.

I will be so glad when this semester is over. I am tired of questioning my intellect, my ambition, my suitability for school. Am really looking forward to a fresh start, even if it means taking some classes over.

Swelltide.

I never meant to go so long without writing. Things have been hectic. Busy. I've been trying to keep on top of everything. Trying to keep up.

Not that I had done that great of a job with it.

I have been so bummed today. Bummed the last couple of days. Part of my natural mood-cycle, but also, I've gotten a couple of lower-than-expected grades-- especially considering the amount of time that I've put into everything.

It all builds on itself. Little sleep, and stress. A heavy class-load and doing badly. I've fought off the self-doubt and the questioning my abilities as a student, my intellect, until the last couple of days. So, I'm in a small slump and am trying my best to roll with the punches.

Things have been fantastic with my parents. They have agreed to let us stay here for rent free for a while. No guilt trips. No passive-aggressiveness. It has been one big thing to not have to worry about. It has also helped, not having to carry around resentment and hurt anymore. I hadn't really realized how much negative bullshit had built up inside me over the last couple of years.

Well, going to head to bed in the next couple of minutes so that I can get up early and study, study, study.