Swelltide.

Had dinner with the family the other night. The first time all of us have gotten together in a long time. Just mom, dad and the kids. I was so full of energy and had been feeling fuzzy, alternating between anxious and hyper for most of the day. Some woman at the table next to ours made some comment about every family having someone they just couldn't take out in public. It didn't bother me at the time. I just chuckled and didn't think about it. But, I've been thinking about it since. I am still not accustomed to calling this 'mania.' My girlfriend had noticed the other night when we went out that I was more hyper than normal, and was little too free with my money.

I have given up on the notion of being like other people. Sometimes, it doesn't seem fair. Living with the up-and-down. Sometimes not having the drive to get out of bed on time. Being overly excitable.  Being so full of energy that I can't hold it all in. Most of the time, I don't have any interest in being 'normal.'

Then, I think about what this is going to do for me in the long-run. Having to explain why my work performance has not been what it normally is. Having to make some excuse for why I am running late, again. Having those people close to me wondering about my mental-state. Living with the fear that I might not be able to make the kind of friendships and relationships that I want, knowing people don't really understand. I still don't fully understand.

I probably should make an appointment soon, get back on the meds.

Swelltide.

Once again, I have never intended to go so long between posts. Have just been so busy with school, which despite all of the time that I am putting in still isn't going nearly as well as I would like. It might be time for an honest conversation with myself about whether or not I am cut out for a science major-- and if it would be cost effective to keep going until I get the degree. Especially now, as the economy isn't in good enough health to guarantee that I will be able to find a job when I get done.

On the bipolar front... I still have not been taking any medication. Only recently did my loans come in, and even with the refunds, I am not sure that I have the money to keep paying what I have on the meds. Hundred  bucks a month, without insurance. I am planning a trip but to the psychiatrist to maybe find a cheaper alternative. A combination of generics, maybe. Something. One appointment though is a hundred bucks itself.   Which, I have but can't really afford to spend.

Luckily, I have been fairly even-keeled. Though, I've had more nights of not being able to sleep. Fighting with myself to manifest any kind of energy. I've been cycling every few days, riding the ups and downs. It is much easier, even without the medications, now knowing some coping mechanisms. Managing stress. Learning to take control. If only I always summon the energy, find the drive or ambition. That is the most frustrating part of bipolar for me. Being a hardworking and normally focused person; putting things off and making excuses not to do things. Not having any energy. I hate it.

A day at a time...

Anyways... I'll see that I can't post more often so long as I can keep up with school work.