Swelltide.

My counseling hasn't been enough. On some level, I haven't been honest with myself; I haven't been honest with the people around me. What do you have, if you don't have truth? There are some big things that I haven't been honest about. And, I've bottled up a lot of guilt, shame, remorse...

I hate who I am. I am not happy. That is where it starts; being honest with yourself. I am not happy with my life and I am not happy with myself. I do not like the compromise of character that I have made for so many years. This affects everything. The relationship that I have with my girlfriend, my work and my family.

So. I must prove to myself, to the ones I love-- that my word is truth. Is real. That I say what I mean and act as I speak.

Swelltide.

So, the girlfriend read my earlier post about being bummed and telling everyone I was dealing with a cold. It seems silly now, that I would feel the need to mislead people-- especially her. Though, it wasn't intentional. I should have just told her that it was easier for me to tell everyone else that I wasn't 'feeling well.' Which, it is. I do not like having to explain when I am feeling low. I don't even like that I go through bouts-- sulking, being irritable and quiet. A friend at work asked me the other day why it is that I get sick so easily. Ha. Taking the path of least resistance is what I'm good at. Call me non-confrontational. Call me a wimp. It is easier. For some reason, or maybe I just think so, people accept the cold excuse better than the truth. Not that too many people really know the truth. Even the people who know, don't really know.