Swelltide.

My life has gotten away from me. I don't blame anyone but myself.

I've wasted time. I've wallowed and bitched. I only half-heartedly attempt to get close to people, get to know people or reciprocate when the time comes. There will always be this distance between me an others-- and I'm not sure where it comes from.

More support would have been nice. I accept material support when what I want it emotional. I accept emotional support when what I want is material. It never is what I really want. Who am I kidding? I don't know what I want.

I know that I don't want to be a victim anymore. I know that I don't want to settle. I know that I can't remain stuck forever. I know that being unhappy all of the time will some day kill me, one way or another. I don't want to just be moody guy anymore...

Swelltide.

I am nearly finished with the blog and nearly finished with a great many things...

Not sure why I am even writing.

I want for everything to be different. And, I can't change anything. I want to have been born to a different family. I wish I had been born to a family where education was important, and where wanting the best for your child was what was important. It isn't. It wasn't. I never was. I want to have been born into a family where family comes before something else.

Sometimes, when I watch television, and the kids grow up... go off to college.. the parents had saved for their collage. When I think of my friends, whose parents had saved for their education. When their parents had felt an obligation to their kids... The family gets together and eats together and the family is a unit.

It isn't always possible to do for yourself. It is, however, possible to do for those that came after...

I don't want to be a drain on society. I want to create. I want to inspire...

Swelltide.

Waiting, and bored. Getting her car inspected, and I am stuck in the waiting room. Morning T.V. talk-show and bad coffee.

I have been seriously worried about money the last couple of weeks. The girlfriend and I went to the dentist's a few weeks ago, paid out-of-pocket. Neither of us have insurance of any kind, and we can't really afford it. Learned that I need about four thousand dollars of work done. She tells me not to worry about it, but how can you not? I have student loans coming up because I've taken the semester off. We're talking about getting married and buying a house. Money, money and money... I have been working on a promotion at work. Again. It isn't likely to happen and I can't afford to waste any more of my time spinning my wheels and getting very little in return for all that I do. They haven't made me any promises. They never do. I am giving it a week and should I not hear anything more-- I'll be going after something which pays more (but that I will like less, probably.) I should have done it a long time ago.

No meds. Still. My last go at therapy was a bust. I am having these really intense bursts of emotion-- anger, frustration, anxiety; with little or no provocation. Proves to me how great that my girlfriend is, putting up with me all of the time. I can do nothing for it, or about it, now or any time soon.

Swelltide.

It seems stupid.

I've been in a slump for the last several weeks. Feeling unmotivated. Feeling down. And now, there is the news about Robin Williams' death. It has everyone talking about depression and suicide. I'm having to change the channel or station when it comes on the T.V. or radio. I can't handle the chemically balanced talking speculatively about what it is like living with depression. Then, of course, the religiously-minded making terrible assumptions on where the guy went (or didn't go to) in the afterlife.

There seems little hope to me now, again, that if such a successful person-- having the money and children, fame and the attention of millions-- that I might ever be a fully functioning and completely happy person. Robin Williams, apparently, was very outspoken about being bipolar and living with the ups and downs. It isn't his suicide that makes now makes me feel so hopeless. It is the acknowledgement that this is a life-long and non-consensual commitment that has been made for me and against my will. I will be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life. An ideal that has been reinforced daily with the news coverage.

I wasn't aware prior that he was one of bipolar's own. He was a great actor and one that I liked more in a non-comedic role. Dead Poets Society or What Dreams May Come (though not a great movie in my opinion, but one in which his acting is superb). Is there not anyone in which there is a touch of madness that can't seem to live beyond it? I would really like to know.

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/robin-williams-battle-depression-spotlights-celebrities-mental-illnesses-article-1.1900493

http://www.famousbipolarpeople.com/robin-williams.html

Swelltide.

Sometimes, I feel like nothing is real. I hear people taking to one another and I infer insecurities, bravado and the things that go unsaid. I watch people interact with one another. The distance. Even in our movements and the ways we carry ourselves, we reveal ourselves-- in the little ways we try to lie to each other.

I can't explain it.

I have been fantasizing about leaving. Again. Just letting the bills go unpaid. The house how it is. Just, pack up only the things we need and go. No money. No phones. Just ourselves, a few blankets and clothes. 

I am not unhappy. I am stuck. I feel stuck, and I want out. 

Swelltide.

Even the closest people to me don't often know the extent of my worry, fear and depression. Rightfully so, maybe.

I am not capable of feeling much of anything at times. Numb is too mild of a word-- oblivious would be better. Void. Null. I could receive the world's best, or worse, news and the real emotional impact would be nothing. I have felt this way for the last several days. Being around family. Having semi-meaningful conversation with friends. I am finding meaning nor contentment in anything at the moment.

I have decided to take a break from school this fall. Whatever it might do to my getting the classes that I need later. I could use being able to spend a little money when I wish to. Saving money. Having the time and resources to do the things that I want to do.

I have also decided not to pursue therapy any longer. I get little out of it, beyond having the privilege of paying someone to listen to all of my petty problems. Not to say that for some it doesn't serve a purpose. Honestly, I think I just haven't had great luck finding the right shrink, but I don't have the time or money to shop around. I have, and have little to show for it. Not any sense of emotional growth or breakthrough.

Swelltide.

So. She asked me about therapy and I honestly thought we had talked about it. Nope. I forgot to schedule an appointment and just let it go. Money and time. Besides, I wasn't getting much out of it.

The last few days, I have been feeling out of sorts. Today, I am tired and feeling a little down.

We'd made plans to start working out after work-- which I need to stick with. I feel better. Sharper. Just have to muster the energy to do it.

Lately, I call and she doesn't answer. She's busy. But it frustrates me and I begin to feel isolated. More isolated.