Swelltide.

So, the girlfriend read my earlier post about being bummed and telling everyone I was dealing with a cold. It seems silly now, that I would feel the need to mislead people-- especially her. Though, it wasn't intentional. I should have just told her that it was easier for me to tell everyone else that I wasn't 'feeling well.' Which, it is. I do not like having to explain when I am feeling low. I don't even like that I go through bouts-- sulking, being irritable and quiet. A friend at work asked me the other day why it is that I get sick so easily. Ha. Taking the path of least resistance is what I'm good at. Call me non-confrontational. Call me a wimp. It is easier. For some reason, or maybe I just think so, people accept the cold excuse better than the truth. Not that too many people really know the truth. Even the people who know, don't really know.

Swelltide.

Coming out of a low that lasted the last few days. Told everyone I had a cold, again. I always think people want an explanation as to why I am reserved, or quiet. Not my usual self (what ever that is anymore). But, no. People don't really pay as much attention as we think they do. Or, want them to? Unless, of course, it is the job I'm talking about. They want to know everything. A doctor's note. A three page essay.

My sister and brother visited with the kids. We had dinner with my parents and I spent a good deal of time with the baby, which lifted my spirits a little.

Not going into work today. Which also lifts my spirits a little. Though, I am likely to be stuck at home while my girlfriend stays over for her job tonight. It is trying to snow and is supposed to get worse this afternoon.

It will be a video games, guitar and watch a movie kind of day.

Swelltide.

Have been feeling detached, isolated... and the things that go along with feeling that way. I can't seem to focus on anything for longer than a few minutes. I lose interest in stories, shows and conversation. I find myself having conversations with the therapist that I haven't been to see in months now. We go back and forth in my head about the same old things, which tells me a few things. I haven't really reached a state of resolution with many of the emotions that I've been dragging behind me for most of my adult life. I may be in need of someone to just listen, without judgement. And, I probably do need to go talk with someone.

I hate this bipolar thing, and by extension-- I hate parts of myself. There are many days where I would give anything to be a normal guy, working a normal and boring job, able and content to live by whatever circumstances that life has allotted me. Going out for a few beers with my boring friends. Playing in a fantasy football league or something. Finding happiness in the 'little things,' I guess.

Swelltide.

I am a little disappointed. Only a little.

Did my marketplace shopping for health care. My state has declined the expansion of Medicaid. Now that I'm back in school and not making a lot of money, I would qualify. If, medicaid wasn't reserved here for people with children. I was hopeful that I might be able to go back to the doc on a somewhat regular basis. To get back on my medication. Maybe see if there was something different that I could take. Something better.

The good news is, I don't have to pay a fine as the state isn't expanding. I actually see nothing wrong with this. The push for health care, which I feel like needs to happen, must be all or nothing. I fail to understand how we can afford to spend so much on bombs and cruiser ships, meanwhile there are people who are wanting at home. I know there are abuses in the system, but there always will be regardless of what system is in place. Anyway, the only solution as I see it-- everyone gets health care bought and paid for, or we go back to the way it was. Think on that, and try to keep in mind that the health of the public is sliding. Compared to nations in the world, the US is nowhere near the top concerning health care (and a lot of other things).

Stressed. A test of sorts tomorrow, and one on wed. We have no money, and bills are due. I need to go into work and it seems like they have some things that I could come in and take care of, but I need to study also.

Swelltide.

Class starts tomorrow and there nothing to be done. Nothing needing to be done. I am not anxious, or excited-- as I have been in the past. Seems to be just another thing, which is a welcome change.

Still no medication. I have signed up for the government health care, and was dismayed by the price of the supposed affordable health insurance. So, I will wait. I live in a state in which a republican governor has declined the expansion of Medicare/Medicaid. I will not be receiving any help from the state. What a frustrating ordeal the whole thing is. Inexcusable. I never wanted to be a 'burden' on the state, but neither was I ever counting on having to have health insurance.

I have been mildly low today. Forlorn. A little blue. Hope this improves by tomorrow. I would like to start the new semester on a good note.

Swelltide.

Happy New Year. Though, it is already the sixth. A little late, but who cares really?

I have been away from the blog here for some time, which was somewhat purposeful on my part. I have spent a good deal of time doing my homework. Reading up on symptoms and risk-factors. Things to stay away from. Ways to lower stress. Trying to manage my moods.

And, I think I'm done with bipolar being a central part of my life. I don't want it to be the BIG thing anymore. I understand that it will always be there. I will struggle. I will have moments. I will have days... I just don't want it to be a big deal anymore.

Anyone who knows me well-- knows. I've done pretty well with, even when it makes me feel uncomfortable, talking about it. Explaining it. Dealing with it. If in a few months or a year or ten years I have a meltdown or an episode; I will deal with it.

I don't know where it puts this. The blog. Not that many people are reading anymore anyway. I will likely keep updating about my moods. Progress. Difficulties.

Swelltide.

Good, God. How busy I've been. School, work. Life.

Finals this week, and Monday. It's been really rough as everyone around me knows. I do not handle stress well.

I would like to know when I became such a perfectionist. In high school, or in college when I was getting my associates-- I sure as hell didn't seem to stress grades, tests and assignments like I do now. Can't help but feeling like I am at a disadvantage. With being older, and being bipolar. Constantly struggling to work up the energy. Or, to get sleep when I need to. Or to focus. I guess it is a good thing I care more now. Though, you wouldn't be able to tell it by my grades. Subpar, in my own opinion.

"Just do your best..." I hear it all the time. Especially when I'm running in circles or pacing because of frustration, or having lost something-- or stress. Exams are going to kill me. But, I have the end of the semester, quickly approaching, to look forward to.

My sister is having my new nephew tonight. Which is also endlessly frustrating. I could be there with the family but-- have a chemistry final to study for. I hope she understands. I hope she forgives me. That's the other thing about this 'condition'. Guilt. guilt. guilt. I am not alone in that, I know. As, my months of homework revealed when I was first diagnosed. But, I hate it. As if I didn't need another reason to be upset or unhappy with myself.

Enough so, that on  the night before a big exam I find myself writing bullshit on the internet rather than studying. It sucks.