Swelltide.

I am trying not to think of everything at once. My mind the last couple of days has been wondering, blundering-- everywhere and nowhere. It happens when I'm under stress. All things seem equally poignant, equally important and I can't then concentrate on any one thing. Makes school difficult. Studying difficult. Makes small talk difficult.

Test tomorrow, and a test next week. Spent a few days in Florida with the girlfriend's family, which was amazing. Went to the beach, had a cookout. Met some of her family for the first time. But, I didn't really do any school work when I was down there. Now, I am playing catch-up, again.

Money issues, again. As in, I have none. Waiting on financial aide which won't come for a week or two (maybe longer). I know that there is no point in worrying about it. But, I do. How can I not? I haven't really been working and I don't have much interest in this job anymore anyway. I want to get away from the people there, who aren't good for me. The schedule, which isn't good for me. The environment. The dead-end. Which is why I started school back in the first place. So, I haven't been going out of my way to make myself available for work. And now, I have no money.

I need a new job. I need my degree already. I need insurance so I can get back on the medication. Go to a therapist. I need for real life to start.

Swelltide.

My last week or so has been pretty rough. It started last Thursday (or Tuesday? I can't remember). Woke up late for a job, which I found out later was scheduled even earlier in the morning and I didn't get the voice message about it. This job was almost two hours away from my house, which I was pretty angry about in the first place. Why me, the guy who is in school and is spending every waking moment studying and doing homework? Why me, the guy who has bent over backwards to make himself available on those days he isn't going to school? When I found out the job was scheduled even earlier, I got even more upset. Anyway, I missed the job after driving all the way out there, then had to make the hour drive to Richmond from it. Stewing the whole time.

On the way to the job, I hit a dog on the main road. I stopped and started to run to run back to it. I could see its legs up in the air and I have this vision of the dog convulsing, foaming at the mouth or bleeding from a gaping wound. I couldn't do it. I stood there thinking of what to do, saw a car coming and just left. I feel terrible for it. I know some people think nothing of killing an animal that walks out in front of their car. Not me. Thinking about it makes me a little queasy. Mad at myself. Guilty because I didn't do everything I could, and trying to justify that rather pathetically by telling myself that I was already running late.

Then the last week of school. Spending ten hours one day studying chemistry that I still don't understand. A whole day on a lab report, and then trying to catch up in everything else. I am scared that this is going to be, yet again, another semester where I fall behind because I am not getting things as quickly as I should. I got an email tonight that my lab report contained a few errors. Sunday, I spent the better part of eight hours doing math homework and algebra review.

I hope it gets better. I cannot, and never have allowed myself to drop a class. Surely my grade suffers for it but I don't need to delay graduation any longer than I already have. I am thirty. Thirty! The age when many are reaching their strides, creating careers. Here I am starting over.

I was reading this article about a L.A. musician. What life was like for him prior to his diagnosis of bipolar... It is equally heartening that there are influential people out there who live with it and do well, and disheartening what even these 'successful' people  put up with-- and put themselves through.  I am desperate at times for people around me to understand what it is really like. Nope, I am not touring all the time and dealing with serious substance abuse-- but the mania is the same. The depression is the same. It helps me, reading about such people, to not feel so isolated or alone.

Swelltide.

I am playing hooky today. Which, is awesome-- it being only the third real day of classes. I feel like a real idiot.

Last night, after spending almost thirteen hours on homework, I got into to bed to study Spanish. Then, couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned. Switched ends of the bed. Took clothes off and put clothes on. At one point, I became so frustrated that I threw some things across the room and stormed off into the bath room. When I finally fell asleep, the sun was coming up.

I had plans of waking up early. Studying, and getting some things done. Finishing up homework. I doubt it will happen today. Any of it.

I would love to file a formal disability with the school-- I gave up that hope of playing at normalcy a long time ago-- but, in order to do so, you must be seeking 'help' with whatever condition you happen to have. In my case this would mean medication, which I can't afford or therapy, which I can't afford.

I don't want hand-outs. I just want to be able to sleep. As far as receiving some kind of aide or help with medication, I don't really know where to look. Many of the medications available for bipolar come with potentially nasty side effects or complications-- which require regular check-ups. Which, I don't have the money for.

When does this end?

I would hate to think that giving up my steady but dead-end job to go back to school and better myself was a mistake.

But, maybe it was.

Swelltide.

While I am a living testament of a person living with a mood disorder being capable of functioning (and contributing) in society, I feel so limited at times.

It seems harder for me to prioritize events, schedules and tasks. Given what kind of mood I'm in, everything seems either significant (and important) or completely uninteresting. Sometimes, it takes me so much longer to process and understand things. Then, there are those rare days where my mind is sharp and I understand everything.

I am struggling with my school work. Today, I've spent the better part of six hours studying something that I still don't understand. I have resisted the urge to punch a hole in the wall. So, far at least. But, it is days like today that makes me feel so stupid. Slow. I begin to question if what I am attempting is even possible.

How do you keep moving forward with a mind-set like that? You can't. So, I am going to take a break. Ignore all of the other homework I have at the moment. Relax. And, keep at it.

Swelltide.

I am hoping to be far more active now that my new PC has arrived. It is really difficult to post from a two inch screen from your cell phone. 

School has started back up. Already, having some issues staying on track, staying focused and getting things done. Anxiety, though as far as first days go, this semester was relatively smooth. 

Recently, I've had problems sleeping. Starting off the days feeling sluggish and tired. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I am wide awake. Probably time to start therapy back. Get back on the medication. Start dealing with the day to day stress again, rather than pretending that nothing bothers me.

Anyway, here is a link about about mental disorders and genetics that I came across today. More evidence has surfaced that many mental disorders may be the result of a gene at work. The article is worth a look. 

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/264715.php

Swelltide.

On the ferry and my way to campus. First day of classes. Damn my nerves.

Closer to my degree every new semester. Proud of myself for refusing to stay always in my comfort zone. If for nothing else, returning at almost thirty, distancing myself from all those things that are comforting but not always healthy has made it worth the trouble.

Swelltide.

I haven't been working the last week or so. It has been slow, and school is right around the corner. Ordered a few books with what financial aide money I could. Still one item to get, exceeding $300 that I don't have the money for. Wait, didn't something similar happen last year? Yes.

Though, I haven't been sleeping well, I feel pretty good. I am optimistic about school. I have energy.

As soon as the financial aide comes in, I will be thinking of counseling again. It is good for me, and for anyone like myself. It is nice to talk to someone who knows what is happening with you, with what you're dealing with. I haven't had that in months, and I miss it.