Swelltide.

House sitting. Whole place to myself, and nothing to do but study and T.V. School has been rough. Having a hard time keeping up-- which I've written about a dozen times before. I have been by myself for the last three or four days. Me and a dog. School, and then home-- me and a dog. It was nice for the first few days, but now I am bored and kind of lonely.

But things have been well. Haven't been working a lot. Haven't even gone into the office in almost two weeks. But, I go in tomorrow for a little bit.

Saw a girl that I dated in high school today. She's working at a store here in town. Ten years! Over ten years! Where does the time go?

Swelltide.

So, it is out to the family. I am bipolar. I have told my parents, my brother and my sister. A couple of friends. My girlfriend knows, of course-- and her parents. Everything has changed in the last year.

I have started school again, and have essentially left a job that I hated. Though, I stop in and say hello. Work a few hours, and then disappear for a week or two. I wish that I was doing better in school, but what can you do really? I have no regrets up to this point, with the only exception being that I wish I had more time to dedicate to everything. Studies. Family. Work. Music. Writing. Everything...

I don't yet regret telling my parents.

My girlfriend and I sat down with them last night to talk about rent, and it went really well. I need to stop assuming the worst from people-- one of the many things that I have learned about myself. I am a pessimist. We have cut a deal for the duration of me being in school, which is one less thing to worry about. Now, I can buckle down and spend the time on my studies that I've needed to dedicate all along, without the pressure of working as much as I can.

So, things-- for now, are well. Except for chemistry. Hah. I am doing what I can and for now, that is all that I can ask of myself. Everything seems to be working out.

Swelltide.

Still sleepless. Up late last night but, at least with the time change I won't have so much trouble waking up early tomorrow. Earlier anyway.

THE conversation with the folks tonight. We will see how that goes. I am tired of feeling anxious about it, worrying about it and thinking about it. I don't know what to expect, won't be surprised by anything that happens and will be glad that it is over. Get to move on-- here or elsewhere. Put school first, regardless of where we live. My only hope is that it doesn't damage the relationship that I have with my parents permanently. Which, is a possibility.

Talked to my aunt last night online about being bipolar. Brings the personal tally of people I have told up to five or six. She was kind enough to pass along some advice-- though, I suspect there are others in the family with bipolar, she is the only other one formally diagnosed. She is very open about it. I admire her for that.

Spoke with my academic adviser about my grades and the next semester. I may be downgrading my degree, depending on how the rest of the semester goes. Which is fine. I am glad that I have that option, and am still able to end up with a degree in the field that I want. I have been feeling so guilty about not doing better in school, with all the time that I've dedicated and with all the effort that I've put into it. The debt that I have accumulated to go. All of the sacrifices that I've made to make it happen.

Swelltide.

Maybe... Maybe if I were only taking one or two class without labs. I don't know... I feel like going back to school was just a pipe dream.

I have been so down on myself, and been so focused on the fact that I haven't been doing that well at school that it makes it all that much harder to focus, to study. I mean, I can barely get myself out of bed on time, which prior to going back to school was affecting my performance at work. I don't have to worry about that now because I haven't been working as much as I should (or need to). I barely show up at work at all, and they have actually been far more supportive of me than I ever imagined that they would be.

The mixture of frustration, guilt and anger that I feel about everything. I have borrowed all of this money to make it happen and I can't really force myself to do well. I have put my girlfriend in the position of earning most of the money and being the core financial support for us both. I have been passively avoiding my parents because I 'owe' them rent and money that I have borrowed. And, then I get pissed off with myself because none of this should have ever happened. It was a bad idea blindly leaping back into school, of blindly renting a place from my parents-- knowing especially how they act and deal with things-- AND  now having the bipolar monster on my back.

Being optimistic always seems to get me in trouble.

I was so worked up last night, that I rolled out of bed at one in the morning and sat down on the couch to do breathing exercises. If only that were enough.

I am not organized. I am not focused. I am poorly adjusted to being a student, a worker or a human being. I think my girlfriend's doctor was right in saying that I am not good for her. What a thing to admit to yourself-- that you aren't good for the people you love. I am a coward. I am incapable of saying how I truly feel-- to save people the hurt of my opinions, even though there are only a handful of people around me that give a damn about how I might be feeling.

I hate myself sometimes, and hate myself for hating myself. What do you do with that? I desperately need to grow up, but I don't know how...

Swelltide.

We have weathered the storm fairly well. A lot of rain, but no flooding and unlike a lot of people on the east coast, we have power. Have spent the last couple of days at the resort where my girlfriend works, eating pizza and watching television. School closed yesterday and today-- so, I have had a little bit of a break, after having a few days off last week. It has been nice, but I am spending today trying to catch up on the homework that I should have been doing.

Going through another sleepless period and might try taking my medication earlier in the day to see if that helps. And, not sleeping well. Went to bed last night fairly early last night but woke up early and couldn't fall back asleep. A couple of nights before last night, I didn't head to bed until well after three in the morning. Just not tired, and I have given up completely on trying to make myself sleep. It just frustrates me.

Excerpt

"... the biological and chemical basis of bipolar disorder remains a nearly complete mystery; no one knows what to test for."

From Bipolar Disorder; A Guide for Patients and Families by Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D.

Excerpt

"Like any other serious illness, bipolar disorder affects not only the person who suffers from the disease but family, friends and colleagues as well."

From Bipolar Disorder; A Guide for Patients and Families by Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D.