Swelltide.

Yes, still awake. And, should be studying and doing something productive but am drinking a beer and watching the Late Late Show instead. Have a final coming up. The big one. The one that I probably won't do well on.

So, I procrastinate...

It is a funny thing. I obsess over tests and homework, give myself a hell of a time for not doing well-- but don't actually put the time in. Just being honest with myself, here.

I sometimes don't think I was ever meant to be a grown-up.

I lay down to take a nap earlier today. I drift in and out of sleep. I have these very vivid memories of being a teenager. Things that I have forgotten about, almost completely. Walking home from school and smoking one of my first cigarettes. Drinking cheap wine out of soda bottles on the way to school. Girls actually acting like they like me. Doing random, fun, outgoing-personality kind of things. Giving the finger to a car while passing the street. Holding hands with my 'girlfriend' in school. Falling asleep in the floor at a friend's house. Taping my name on the wall of her closet. I am overcome by this intense sense of nostalgia, regret and melancholy. There was a time-- the only time in my life that I can say that I was truly happy.

I didn't think about things, or over-think things. I just was. I was a weirdo. I had friends. I had fun.

What does it say about you, when the best moments in life happened when you fifteen?!

Now, I am barely in control of the things that I think. I am anxious. I am up and down. I don't even like myself most of the time, and I don't know what this means! I am not happy. That is what it means. I have a wonderful partner, that I have been with for a long time. She is anxious. Depressive. Like me. She now takes medication just to be able to cope with day to day stress. Just to be able to go into work, everyday.

How did my life end up like this?! Bipolar. Sad. Indecisive. Reclusive...

The past haunts me, at every turn in life. When I should be happy, I am thinking instead of when I was actually happy. When things are not well, I look to these people that meant so much to me at one time-- and I think, 'He has 700 friends on Facebook. He has the energy for school, work and Karate. She plays in a regionally-influential band. He is a web-developer, and has a good paying job in the town that I wish I could be living in.' Everyone else seems to be getting somewhere. Following their hearts. Making friends, and moving on. Having kids. Living overseas.

I can't get passed having a few awkward conversations with strangers at school. I am not even sure what having a platonic friendship is like, anymore. Woe-is me... blah blah blah.

Guilt. Memory. Shame. Guilt.

That is what my life has become.

There was a time when I would talk to anyone. I would make an ass out of myself for fun. I would get off on talking to people and disclosing things about myself. Anything for 'meaningful' conversation. I got a buzz even being around people. With a friend nearby I could, and would, do anything.

I have somehow lost all of that. I, of course, don't have any friends around me. The last friend that I made, was my beautiful and wonderful girlfriend. Almost a decade ago. Where does that magic go?

It hurts to think of the past, for the pang in my heart.

Swelltide.

My head feels a little strange today. Like, I've been on the verge of a migraine that hasn't come. Let's hope it stays that way.

Should be studying. A hundred things that I could be doing. Just don't feel like it. Final exams this week. I am oddly calm about it all, but will probably do what I normally do-- which is mostly nothing until the day before and then freak out because I am not prepared. The things I do to myself...

I am really looking forward to a new year. A fresh start. Getting somewhere. A short break coming up after finals. I can paint and write and read for fun! Only two weeks until the new semester, but so what? I am going to spend some time doing whatever it is that I want. Maybe try to pick up some hours at work. Maybe not.

Anyway, nothing new to report really. Just a lazy day.

Swelltide.

Up early this morning to cram for a lab final. Tired. Skipping class tonight to study for a quiz and a test tomorrow. Priorities.

None of the stuff I am reading is sticking in my sluggish brain this morning. I have definitely been in a slump. Can't concentrate. Tired. Having a hard time getting myself out of bed, out the door. In the bipolar world-- a depressive state.

I will be so glad when this semester is over. I am tired of questioning my intellect, my ambition, my suitability for school. Am really looking forward to a fresh start, even if it means taking some classes over.

Swelltide.

I never meant to go so long without writing. Things have been hectic. Busy. I've been trying to keep on top of everything. Trying to keep up.

Not that I had done that great of a job with it.

I have been so bummed today. Bummed the last couple of days. Part of my natural mood-cycle, but also, I've gotten a couple of lower-than-expected grades-- especially considering the amount of time that I've put into everything.

It all builds on itself. Little sleep, and stress. A heavy class-load and doing badly. I've fought off the self-doubt and the questioning my abilities as a student, my intellect, until the last couple of days. So, I'm in a small slump and am trying my best to roll with the punches.

Things have been fantastic with my parents. They have agreed to let us stay here for rent free for a while. No guilt trips. No passive-aggressiveness. It has been one big thing to not have to worry about. It has also helped, not having to carry around resentment and hurt anymore. I hadn't really realized how much negative bullshit had built up inside me over the last couple of years.

Well, going to head to bed in the next couple of minutes so that I can get up early and study, study, study.

Swelltide.

House sitting. Whole place to myself, and nothing to do but study and T.V. School has been rough. Having a hard time keeping up-- which I've written about a dozen times before. I have been by myself for the last three or four days. Me and a dog. School, and then home-- me and a dog. It was nice for the first few days, but now I am bored and kind of lonely.

But things have been well. Haven't been working a lot. Haven't even gone into the office in almost two weeks. But, I go in tomorrow for a little bit.

Saw a girl that I dated in high school today. She's working at a store here in town. Ten years! Over ten years! Where does the time go?

Swelltide.

So, it is out to the family. I am bipolar. I have told my parents, my brother and my sister. A couple of friends. My girlfriend knows, of course-- and her parents. Everything has changed in the last year.

I have started school again, and have essentially left a job that I hated. Though, I stop in and say hello. Work a few hours, and then disappear for a week or two. I wish that I was doing better in school, but what can you do really? I have no regrets up to this point, with the only exception being that I wish I had more time to dedicate to everything. Studies. Family. Work. Music. Writing. Everything...

I don't yet regret telling my parents.

My girlfriend and I sat down with them last night to talk about rent, and it went really well. I need to stop assuming the worst from people-- one of the many things that I have learned about myself. I am a pessimist. We have cut a deal for the duration of me being in school, which is one less thing to worry about. Now, I can buckle down and spend the time on my studies that I've needed to dedicate all along, without the pressure of working as much as I can.

So, things-- for now, are well. Except for chemistry. Hah. I am doing what I can and for now, that is all that I can ask of myself. Everything seems to be working out.

Swelltide.

Still sleepless. Up late last night but, at least with the time change I won't have so much trouble waking up early tomorrow. Earlier anyway.

THE conversation with the folks tonight. We will see how that goes. I am tired of feeling anxious about it, worrying about it and thinking about it. I don't know what to expect, won't be surprised by anything that happens and will be glad that it is over. Get to move on-- here or elsewhere. Put school first, regardless of where we live. My only hope is that it doesn't damage the relationship that I have with my parents permanently. Which, is a possibility.

Talked to my aunt last night online about being bipolar. Brings the personal tally of people I have told up to five or six. She was kind enough to pass along some advice-- though, I suspect there are others in the family with bipolar, she is the only other one formally diagnosed. She is very open about it. I admire her for that.

Spoke with my academic adviser about my grades and the next semester. I may be downgrading my degree, depending on how the rest of the semester goes. Which is fine. I am glad that I have that option, and am still able to end up with a degree in the field that I want. I have been feeling so guilty about not doing better in school, with all the time that I've dedicated and with all the effort that I've put into it. The debt that I have accumulated to go. All of the sacrifices that I've made to make it happen.