Swelltide.

My life has gotten away from me. I don't blame anyone but myself.

I've wasted time. I've wallowed and bitched. I only half-heartedly attempt to get close to people, get to know people or reciprocate when the time comes. There will always be this distance between me an others-- and I'm not sure where it comes from.

More support would have been nice. I accept material support when what I want it emotional. I accept emotional support when what I want is material. It never is what I really want. Who am I kidding? I don't know what I want.

I know that I don't want to be a victim anymore. I know that I don't want to settle. I know that I can't remain stuck forever. I know that being unhappy all of the time will some day kill me, one way or another. I don't want to just be moody guy anymore...

Swelltide.

I am nearly finished with the blog and nearly finished with a great many things...

Not sure why I am even writing.

I want for everything to be different. And, I can't change anything. I want to have been born to a different family. I wish I had been born to a family where education was important, and where wanting the best for your child was what was important. It isn't. It wasn't. I never was. I want to have been born into a family where family comes before something else.

Sometimes, when I watch television, and the kids grow up... go off to college.. the parents had saved for their collage. When I think of my friends, whose parents had saved for their education. When their parents had felt an obligation to their kids... The family gets together and eats together and the family is a unit.

It isn't always possible to do for yourself. It is, however, possible to do for those that came after...

I don't want to be a drain on society. I want to create. I want to inspire...

Swelltide.

Waiting, and bored. Getting her car inspected, and I am stuck in the waiting room. Morning T.V. talk-show and bad coffee.

I have been seriously worried about money the last couple of weeks. The girlfriend and I went to the dentist's a few weeks ago, paid out-of-pocket. Neither of us have insurance of any kind, and we can't really afford it. Learned that I need about four thousand dollars of work done. She tells me not to worry about it, but how can you not? I have student loans coming up because I've taken the semester off. We're talking about getting married and buying a house. Money, money and money... I have been working on a promotion at work. Again. It isn't likely to happen and I can't afford to waste any more of my time spinning my wheels and getting very little in return for all that I do. They haven't made me any promises. They never do. I am giving it a week and should I not hear anything more-- I'll be going after something which pays more (but that I will like less, probably.) I should have done it a long time ago.

No meds. Still. My last go at therapy was a bust. I am having these really intense bursts of emotion-- anger, frustration, anxiety; with little or no provocation. Proves to me how great that my girlfriend is, putting up with me all of the time. I can do nothing for it, or about it, now or any time soon.

Swelltide.

It seems stupid.

I've been in a slump for the last several weeks. Feeling unmotivated. Feeling down. And now, there is the news about Robin Williams' death. It has everyone talking about depression and suicide. I'm having to change the channel or station when it comes on the T.V. or radio. I can't handle the chemically balanced talking speculatively about what it is like living with depression. Then, of course, the religiously-minded making terrible assumptions on where the guy went (or didn't go to) in the afterlife.

There seems little hope to me now, again, that if such a successful person-- having the money and children, fame and the attention of millions-- that I might ever be a fully functioning and completely happy person. Robin Williams, apparently, was very outspoken about being bipolar and living with the ups and downs. It isn't his suicide that makes now makes me feel so hopeless. It is the acknowledgement that this is a life-long and non-consensual commitment that has been made for me and against my will. I will be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life. An ideal that has been reinforced daily with the news coverage.

I wasn't aware prior that he was one of bipolar's own. He was a great actor and one that I liked more in a non-comedic role. Dead Poets Society or What Dreams May Come (though not a great movie in my opinion, but one in which his acting is superb). Is there not anyone in which there is a touch of madness that can't seem to live beyond it? I would really like to know.

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/robin-williams-battle-depression-spotlights-celebrities-mental-illnesses-article-1.1900493

http://www.famousbipolarpeople.com/robin-williams.html

Swelltide.

Sometimes, I feel like nothing is real. I hear people taking to one another and I infer insecurities, bravado and the things that go unsaid. I watch people interact with one another. The distance. Even in our movements and the ways we carry ourselves, we reveal ourselves-- in the little ways we try to lie to each other.

I can't explain it.

I have been fantasizing about leaving. Again. Just letting the bills go unpaid. The house how it is. Just, pack up only the things we need and go. No money. No phones. Just ourselves, a few blankets and clothes. 

I am not unhappy. I am stuck. I feel stuck, and I want out. 

Swelltide.

Even the closest people to me don't often know the extent of my worry, fear and depression. Rightfully so, maybe.

I am not capable of feeling much of anything at times. Numb is too mild of a word-- oblivious would be better. Void. Null. I could receive the world's best, or worse, news and the real emotional impact would be nothing. I have felt this way for the last several days. Being around family. Having semi-meaningful conversation with friends. I am finding meaning nor contentment in anything at the moment.

I have decided to take a break from school this fall. Whatever it might do to my getting the classes that I need later. I could use being able to spend a little money when I wish to. Saving money. Having the time and resources to do the things that I want to do.

I have also decided not to pursue therapy any longer. I get little out of it, beyond having the privilege of paying someone to listen to all of my petty problems. Not to say that for some it doesn't serve a purpose. Honestly, I think I just haven't had great luck finding the right shrink, but I don't have the time or money to shop around. I have, and have little to show for it. Not any sense of emotional growth or breakthrough.

Swelltide.

So. She asked me about therapy and I honestly thought we had talked about it. Nope. I forgot to schedule an appointment and just let it go. Money and time. Besides, I wasn't getting much out of it.

The last few days, I have been feeling out of sorts. Today, I am tired and feeling a little down.

We'd made plans to start working out after work-- which I need to stick with. I feel better. Sharper. Just have to muster the energy to do it.

Lately, I call and she doesn't answer. She's busy. But it frustrates me and I begin to feel isolated. More isolated.

Swelltide.

I want to move. I want a break.

I've had a pretty terrible day. Work stuff, which isn't really important. Or, shouldn't be. I've been promised training and advancement into a direction that I want to go... Only, to find out today that it won't happen. Not really a surprise, but I was hopeful... Today, was a completely disorderly day. Jerked around for no reason, and wasted a lot of time. Also, not really a surprise...

My birthday is this weekend. My sister is coming into to town... and my birthday has become a family gathering-- that has nothing to do with my birthday. I haven't committed to going, and I won't. If it were my brother's birthday or my sister's birthday, we'd be having dinner. We would be hanging out.

I'm done with commitments. I am done with being an afterthought.

I need away from my parents. For a while. Years, maybe. I need to let go of all the resentment I've been feeling and I need to feel like I'm getting somewhere. It is all about perceptions, apparently-- which I 'learned' in therapy during my last session.

Everyone always asks why I don't just talk about it. Whenever I speak up-- it always becomes somehow, that I am being selfish. The truth is, my parents I think, think that emotions are indulgent. They don't allow themselves the freedoms of being so... selfish? angry? I don't know. But, it doesn't work. Whenever I try to have a serious conversation, it is turned around on me. It becomes reflective of them and I don't want to hear it anymore. I don't have to deal with it anymore. I don't have to buy into the bullshit of 'they did the best with what they had...'

Crap.

Swelltide.

My counseling hasn't been enough. On some level, I haven't been honest with myself; I haven't been honest with the people around me. What do you have, if you don't have truth? There are some big things that I haven't been honest about. And, I've bottled up a lot of guilt, shame, remorse...

I hate who I am. I am not happy. That is where it starts; being honest with yourself. I am not happy with my life and I am not happy with myself. I do not like the compromise of character that I have made for so many years. This affects everything. The relationship that I have with my girlfriend, my work and my family.

So. I must prove to myself, to the ones I love-- that my word is truth. Is real. That I say what I mean and act as I speak.

Swelltide.

At work, sitting on a picnic table and waiting. In a reflective mood, and have been for several days. I've been tired also. Quiet. Impatient.

To grandma's house we go. Road-trip with the family this weekend. To be honest, I don't want to go. I have resentment bubbling up inside me-- and I am worried that I might have one of those moments where I am a little too honest with people. How sad, that a person should worry about honesty. With their family.

I am back in therapy, due in part (a large part) to making the same poor decisions. I feel less equipped to deal with lingering emotional things this go-round. I don't really want to deal with the same ghosts. Only, my girlfriend is onboard-- and equally tiresome is moving backward.

Swelltide.

So, the girlfriend read my earlier post about being bummed and telling everyone I was dealing with a cold. It seems silly now, that I would feel the need to mislead people-- especially her. Though, it wasn't intentional. I should have just told her that it was easier for me to tell everyone else that I wasn't 'feeling well.' Which, it is. I do not like having to explain when I am feeling low. I don't even like that I go through bouts-- sulking, being irritable and quiet. A friend at work asked me the other day why it is that I get sick so easily. Ha. Taking the path of least resistance is what I'm good at. Call me non-confrontational. Call me a wimp. It is easier. For some reason, or maybe I just think so, people accept the cold excuse better than the truth. Not that too many people really know the truth. Even the people who know, don't really know.

Swelltide.

Coming out of a low that lasted the last few days. Told everyone I had a cold, again. I always think people want an explanation as to why I am reserved, or quiet. Not my usual self (what ever that is anymore). But, no. People don't really pay as much attention as we think they do. Or, want them to? Unless, of course, it is the job I'm talking about. They want to know everything. A doctor's note. A three page essay.

My sister and brother visited with the kids. We had dinner with my parents and I spent a good deal of time with the baby, which lifted my spirits a little.

Not going into work today. Which also lifts my spirits a little. Though, I am likely to be stuck at home while my girlfriend stays over for her job tonight. It is trying to snow and is supposed to get worse this afternoon.

It will be a video games, guitar and watch a movie kind of day.

Swelltide.

Have been feeling detached, isolated... and the things that go along with feeling that way. I can't seem to focus on anything for longer than a few minutes. I lose interest in stories, shows and conversation. I find myself having conversations with the therapist that I haven't been to see in months now. We go back and forth in my head about the same old things, which tells me a few things. I haven't really reached a state of resolution with many of the emotions that I've been dragging behind me for most of my adult life. I may be in need of someone to just listen, without judgement. And, I probably do need to go talk with someone.

I hate this bipolar thing, and by extension-- I hate parts of myself. There are many days where I would give anything to be a normal guy, working a normal and boring job, able and content to live by whatever circumstances that life has allotted me. Going out for a few beers with my boring friends. Playing in a fantasy football league or something. Finding happiness in the 'little things,' I guess.

Swelltide.

I am a little disappointed. Only a little.

Did my marketplace shopping for health care. My state has declined the expansion of Medicaid. Now that I'm back in school and not making a lot of money, I would qualify. If, medicaid wasn't reserved here for people with children. I was hopeful that I might be able to go back to the doc on a somewhat regular basis. To get back on my medication. Maybe see if there was something different that I could take. Something better.

The good news is, I don't have to pay a fine as the state isn't expanding. I actually see nothing wrong with this. The push for health care, which I feel like needs to happen, must be all or nothing. I fail to understand how we can afford to spend so much on bombs and cruiser ships, meanwhile there are people who are wanting at home. I know there are abuses in the system, but there always will be regardless of what system is in place. Anyway, the only solution as I see it-- everyone gets health care bought and paid for, or we go back to the way it was. Think on that, and try to keep in mind that the health of the public is sliding. Compared to nations in the world, the US is nowhere near the top concerning health care (and a lot of other things).

Stressed. A test of sorts tomorrow, and one on wed. We have no money, and bills are due. I need to go into work and it seems like they have some things that I could come in and take care of, but I need to study also.

Swelltide.

Class starts tomorrow and there nothing to be done. Nothing needing to be done. I am not anxious, or excited-- as I have been in the past. Seems to be just another thing, which is a welcome change.

Still no medication. I have signed up for the government health care, and was dismayed by the price of the supposed affordable health insurance. So, I will wait. I live in a state in which a republican governor has declined the expansion of Medicare/Medicaid. I will not be receiving any help from the state. What a frustrating ordeal the whole thing is. Inexcusable. I never wanted to be a 'burden' on the state, but neither was I ever counting on having to have health insurance.

I have been mildly low today. Forlorn. A little blue. Hope this improves by tomorrow. I would like to start the new semester on a good note.

Swelltide.

Happy New Year. Though, it is already the sixth. A little late, but who cares really?

I have been away from the blog here for some time, which was somewhat purposeful on my part. I have spent a good deal of time doing my homework. Reading up on symptoms and risk-factors. Things to stay away from. Ways to lower stress. Trying to manage my moods.

And, I think I'm done with bipolar being a central part of my life. I don't want it to be the BIG thing anymore. I understand that it will always be there. I will struggle. I will have moments. I will have days... I just don't want it to be a big deal anymore.

Anyone who knows me well-- knows. I've done pretty well with, even when it makes me feel uncomfortable, talking about it. Explaining it. Dealing with it. If in a few months or a year or ten years I have a meltdown or an episode; I will deal with it.

I don't know where it puts this. The blog. Not that many people are reading anymore anyway. I will likely keep updating about my moods. Progress. Difficulties.

Swelltide.

Good, God. How busy I've been. School, work. Life.

Finals this week, and Monday. It's been really rough as everyone around me knows. I do not handle stress well.

I would like to know when I became such a perfectionist. In high school, or in college when I was getting my associates-- I sure as hell didn't seem to stress grades, tests and assignments like I do now. Can't help but feeling like I am at a disadvantage. With being older, and being bipolar. Constantly struggling to work up the energy. Or, to get sleep when I need to. Or to focus. I guess it is a good thing I care more now. Though, you wouldn't be able to tell it by my grades. Subpar, in my own opinion.

"Just do your best..." I hear it all the time. Especially when I'm running in circles or pacing because of frustration, or having lost something-- or stress. Exams are going to kill me. But, I have the end of the semester, quickly approaching, to look forward to.

My sister is having my new nephew tonight. Which is also endlessly frustrating. I could be there with the family but-- have a chemistry final to study for. I hope she understands. I hope she forgives me. That's the other thing about this 'condition'. Guilt. guilt. guilt. I am not alone in that, I know. As, my months of homework revealed when I was first diagnosed. But, I hate it. As if I didn't need another reason to be upset or unhappy with myself.

Enough so, that on  the night before a big exam I find myself writing bullshit on the internet rather than studying. It sucks.

Swelltide.

Things are about to come to a head.

It is what happens when you put everyone before yourself.

Swelltide.

A terrible day. In a horrible mood and though I tried not to, took it out on people around me.

Everything sometimes seems to be far more complicated than it needs to be. I couldn't print off something for school, the printer is broken. Go to my parents house, who just happened to get a new computer and printer today. The website is down. All day, have been attempting to study to sound of kids playing, baby crying, television-- always too damn loud. The house is a disaster. I'm retaining nothing that I've been studying for the last couple of days.

Yes, still have the family staying with us at the expense of my sanity, my grades and general peace and quiet. No, I am still not on my meds. Have tried for over a month now to sign up for the healthcare exchanges. Everyone around me knows the amount of stress I'm under, and have really been keeping some distance-- on a personal level. Not that anyone is really trying to make it easier for me. Not that they should and they're smart to back off, I think. I can feel a meltdown coming. A big one. And, I don't really know what to do about it.

School in general has been a disappointment. I have been a disappointment. Taking a break and going back to my tedious, dead-end job-- would be just as depressing and needlessly stressful for different reasons. Something has to give.

Swelltide.

Fuck it all.