Swelltide.

Fuck it all.

Swelltide.

Are you ever overwhelmed by negative thoughts? I am. I was in the middle of a math test tonight and I kept asking myself, "What the hell are you doing?" I have years to go still until I get my bachelor's. What a depressing thought. I will be some kind of statistic. Thirty-somethings who've gone back to get an education....

I am thirty. Say it takes me another three years to complete college. I will be competing with twenty-somethings for work. While this might be something of an advantage-- I mean, who really wants a younger employee? I will end up working for, at some point in my life, someone who is younger. Who did everything right and went to school right out of high-school, graduated at 22, and now runs the show. 

Someone who isn't bipolar. Who shows up for work on time and doesn't feel like they deserve any better. That is what I really think. 

What is the point? Of any of it? I can barely get myself myself out of bed on time. I can barely make it through a normal week without feeling run down. Without feeling like time has been stolen from me. Without feeling tired, and kind of defeated. 

Sometimes, I don't want to go on like this. I don't want to be inept, incapable, the one whose mind isn't working properly for whatever reason. Not a day has gone by that I don't think about this.

I don't like myself. I don't like how I am not like other people. I don't like how seemingly simple things aren't as easy for me as other people. How it always seems to take a little longer for me... How it always takes a little more from me. 

But, I am not ready to give up yet. 

Swelltide.

Feeling isolated.

Study is a very lonely thing. Usually, it's just me and book. Me and and a tornado of notes, homework, and papers. I can go a day without saying more than a hundred words to anyone.

I spent the majority of the day yesterday combating irrational negative thoughts. My abilities as a student. What an awful friend I am. How lazy... how stupid... unstable... finishing up with school was a pipe-dream... can't even get yourself out of bed on time... And, there is some merit to all of it. I'm not a great student. I may have been a little overly ambitious in what I could handle, the kind of work load I could deal with.

But, it doesn't change anything. I still want my degree. I still want away from being stuck in my shitty job. I still want more.

Swelltide.

I've been feeling pretty worthless.

No money. Borrowed some from my parents-- again. No energy. Sick. Can't work enough to cover all of the bills because of school and I'm not doing as well in my classes because I need to work. Still haven't gotten my refund.

All I do is study and worry. Ambition isn't everything, I guess. My brain obviously doesn't work like everyone else's. What should take some people an hour or two can take me three or four. I lose patience with myself. I get distracted. Noise bothers me and the world doesn't seem to want to slow down enough for me to get things done.