Swelltide.

Maybe... Maybe if I were only taking one or two class without labs. I don't know... I feel like going back to school was just a pipe dream.

I have been so down on myself, and been so focused on the fact that I haven't been doing that well at school that it makes it all that much harder to focus, to study. I mean, I can barely get myself out of bed on time, which prior to going back to school was affecting my performance at work. I don't have to worry about that now because I haven't been working as much as I should (or need to). I barely show up at work at all, and they have actually been far more supportive of me than I ever imagined that they would be.

The mixture of frustration, guilt and anger that I feel about everything. I have borrowed all of this money to make it happen and I can't really force myself to do well. I have put my girlfriend in the position of earning most of the money and being the core financial support for us both. I have been passively avoiding my parents because I 'owe' them rent and money that I have borrowed. And, then I get pissed off with myself because none of this should have ever happened. It was a bad idea blindly leaping back into school, of blindly renting a place from my parents-- knowing especially how they act and deal with things-- AND  now having the bipolar monster on my back.

Being optimistic always seems to get me in trouble.

I was so worked up last night, that I rolled out of bed at one in the morning and sat down on the couch to do breathing exercises. If only that were enough.

I am not organized. I am not focused. I am poorly adjusted to being a student, a worker or a human being. I think my girlfriend's doctor was right in saying that I am not good for her. What a thing to admit to yourself-- that you aren't good for the people you love. I am a coward. I am incapable of saying how I truly feel-- to save people the hurt of my opinions, even though there are only a handful of people around me that give a damn about how I might be feeling.

I hate myself sometimes, and hate myself for hating myself. What do you do with that? I desperately need to grow up, but I don't know how...

Swelltide.

We have weathered the storm fairly well. A lot of rain, but no flooding and unlike a lot of people on the east coast, we have power. Have spent the last couple of days at the resort where my girlfriend works, eating pizza and watching television. School closed yesterday and today-- so, I have had a little bit of a break, after having a few days off last week. It has been nice, but I am spending today trying to catch up on the homework that I should have been doing.

Going through another sleepless period and might try taking my medication earlier in the day to see if that helps. And, not sleeping well. Went to bed last night fairly early last night but woke up early and couldn't fall back asleep. A couple of nights before last night, I didn't head to bed until well after three in the morning. Just not tired, and I have given up completely on trying to make myself sleep. It just frustrates me.

Excerpt

"... the biological and chemical basis of bipolar disorder remains a nearly complete mystery; no one knows what to test for."

From Bipolar Disorder; A Guide for Patients and Families by Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D.

Excerpt

"Like any other serious illness, bipolar disorder affects not only the person who suffers from the disease but family, friends and colleagues as well."

From Bipolar Disorder; A Guide for Patients and Families by Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D.

Excerpt

"... behaviors like not wanting to get out of bed, being irritable and short-tempered, being 'hyper' and reckless or overly critical and pessimistic. Our first reaction to these sorts of behaviors and attitudes is to regard them as laziness, meanness, or immaturity and be critical of them. In a person with bipolar disorder, this almost always makes things worse: criticism reinforces the depressed patient's feelings of worthlessness and failure, and it alienates and angers the hypomanic or manic patient."

From Bipolar Disorder; A Guide for Patients and Families by Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D.

Swelltide.

The girlfiend, "Your energy is all jacked up." Surprise. On an upswing. Haven't been sleeping much. Taking sleeping pills to fall asleep. Haven't been staying asleep-- but, I feel good. Welcome to mania. (Well, hypomania in my case).

The medication is obviously helping though. No aggression. Not a whole lot of irritability. Just energy. Though, I am having problems concentrating. I am still thinking fast. Talking fast. Some noise is grating. I have not however been tempted to put my fist in someone's face, or put a hole in the wall. Good.

It is getting better... this, is not so bad.

Swelltide.

I miss feeling competent, powerful. I miss confidence. I miss having a small circle of friends that I could tell anything. My personal relationships as an adult, beyond the wonderful depth and closeness that I experience with my girlfriend, have been shallow and unfulfilling. I have been questioning whether or not friendships like this can even exist as an adult. 

When I entered the 'real world' I knew intuitively to keep distance between me and my co-workers. They would not have been the kind of people that I would have been close to, anyway. I do joke around with them, and make small talk but I do not disclose anything about my private life. I am unsure of how friendships are even made anymore. I don't trust others to with information about myself. I don't know anyone that is like me, and as I grow older and gradually lose touch with those people that I used to be close to, I find that people around me are increasingly interested in things that I am not. 

I do not have television. Well, I receive local channels via an antenna. While I watch PBS on occasion, other people are busy talking about reality shows. The older I get, the more men my age seem to enjoy football and seasonal sports. I don't. It bores me and seems to be the only thing that the guys at work talk about with any depth at all. 

Distance, always. Separation. A constant reminder that I am not like them at all. I thought school may expose me to others with similar interests, but how can I relate to eighteen year-olds? I have a deep interest and love of science, and I have been disappointed by the superficial knowledge and interest that others seem to show in it-- and these kids are science majors. Welcome to the bible belt, where exists the ever-present distrust of science-- and very bizarre melding of a new kind of conservatism in young people. Maybe, I should have been an arts major. English major. I even gave some thought to accounting. 

No one challenges themselves anymore. No one actually thinks about the things they thing about. No one questions anything. 

I don't understand people. I do not have a desire to display my every movement and thought to the world on a 'social networking' site. I don't believe that most thoughts are even deserving of being spoken. There is no filter anymore. All meaningful conversation has been watered down. Public discourse now only involves the use of three-word slogans. Everyone thinks they are right. 

I was sitting in physics class a few nights ago, and in front of me was a girl who continually checked her cellphone and refreshed her Facebook page. Why? She looked at photos, and wrote monosyllabic little words with a lot of exclamation points after them. It apparently, was worth missing a lecture for. 

I have become the obnoxious elitist that secretly, and openly, scorns almost everyone around them. I am smarter than most people. I do actually read about something before forming an opinion on the topic. I think about things beyond what everyone else seems to be talking about. No one seems to anymore. I can't help but to wonder if American I.Q. scores are dropping like our education scores. I would be willing to bet that they are. 

If you couldn't tell, I am feeling melancholy tonight. I am missing being a creature of self-discovery. I am missing things being new. I am missing being an extrovert who didn't question people's motives who was willing to carry on a conversation with anyone. I am like this when I am feeling manic, or hypomanic but it isn't the same. I miss people. I miss the time before the internet when people actually talked, and shared. When things weren't instantaneous. There was depth and irony and humor. Of course, I was happy then. And always the question-- was it that way because I wasn't unhappy and bipolar, or was really that way? Do I feel disconnected, or am I disconnected?

Swelltide.

I know not many people read, but I don't mind. I think I am going to spend some time on the layout and maybe rethink how I am doing the blog.

When I started writing, I wasn't really sure what I wanted for this. The writing is important to me, but I also wanted something a little more comprehensive-- more resources, articles and the like. Like many people with bipolar, I have been finding a lot out for myself. You have to. Anyone with bipolar does.

I will, as time allows me, be adding more of the information that I have found. More news, articles. More good advice.

I have added a reading section. I will be seeking out some articles, and continue posting those things that I find useful.

Swelltide.

A long week, and maybe not over for me yet. A mid-term and two tests-- I have had very little sleep. An average of maybe three or four hours. The school part, though is over. I might have to work this weekend-- which, I really kind of hope doesn't happen. I could really use a break.

Spent some time talking to my mom on the phone this morning when I was driving down to school.       Says that she can tell a difference-- that I've appeared to be much more stable. We didn't really talk about it in depth.

I have been feeling better. I have been handling stress much better.  I have felt better, and I haven't been losing a lot of sleep. Still not eating as much I should, but that has more to do with school. Things are well for me at the moment.

My grades are improving, I think. I've been keeping up with things, for the most part. Just hope things stay this way for as long as they can.

Swelltide.

Three tests coming up this week. Haven't been studying like I should. Seems like an easy thing, right? Just sit down and start... Well, I have gotten most of my homework out of the way. All that is left is to study.

I have felt immeasurably isolated lately. My parents have stopped by a few times to say hello. My girlfriend is home again. But, when she's here she is asleep mostly. Or, I am working on homework. Trying to study. I don't really talk to anyone at school. It is just like being at work-- making small talk but not really clicking with anyone, and most of the people I talk to, I don't really care for (or care about).

I told my brother, only the second person in my family yet, that I am bipolar. His response was, "Oh, for real?" Then went on to talk about a video game he had been playing. My mother is not the only person in my family who is emotionally unavailable. Everyone in my family keeps this emotional distance from everyone else. I hate it. My brother. My sister. My dad and I get along really well but it is a very rare thing to talk about personal matters in a meaningful way.

So, I have done as my girlfriend wanted me to, and broke it to mom, who has undoubtedly talked to dad about it, and I've told my brother-- and here I am still, without any kind of emotional support whatsoever. It isn't surprising to me at all. Frustrating, infuriating, disappointing. Not surprising. I just want someone to give a shit.

I have a hard time, sometimes, with this kind of thing. I have felt so detached from everyone for so long, that I tell myself, maybe people aren't really being distant, maybe it is you. With people in general, this is true. Not with family. When you tell a sibling something like that, they should be concerned, right? When you summon the courage to actually admit something like I have to your parents, the response should be more than 'Oh.' I know that mom has said something to dad about it, but he hasn't said a word to me. My whole family is emotionally unavailable-- distant.

I try hard not to be cold-- not to be like them.

The girlfriend and I have a conversation coming very soon with mom and dad. We're basically going to tell them that we can't afford to rent from them anymore, and that they need to help us out or we fond somewhere else to live. Hah. This was what we discussed in the therapy session a couple of weeks ago. I don't think that mom, or dad, really understand how difficult they make things, how much unnecessary stress that they cause sometimes without even meaning to. I am not optimistic that this conversation is going to go well. If we end up moving out, having to find another place-- if this ends up damaging the relationship that I have with my parents, at least I am not really losing much. Also something that we talked about in therapy.

My girlfriend has been taking Xanex and Prozac, with much improvement. She hasn't had any panic attacks, but she has been sleeping a lot. She's lost a lot of weight. I am more than a little worried-- and now I regret getting her involved with my family. I wasn't a good idea. I know that my being bipolar, and us living out in the middle of nowhere hasn't helped her at all, but I also know that living and dealing with my parents hasn't helped her either. Neither of the two of us have been happy for a long time. I feel extremely guilty sometimes. It is such a strange thing, too-- we love each other so much, but everything around us just seems collapse inward on us. We can't catch a break.

My insurance has finally lapsed. My medication, now out of pocket, will be about a hundred dollars a month. Just another thing that I can't really afford, but can't afford to go without. I would make an appointment with my psychiatrist to talk about more inexpensive options, but she charges a hundred dollars (for fifteen minutes), that I can't really afford. Going to do some looking around on the web and see what kind of deals I can find. Make an appointment with my doctor and talk to him maybe instead.

Well. I guess I should get back to my studies.

Swelltide.

Hypomanic. Tired. Irritable. Lonely. My mind is racing, and I can't concentrate.

So much to be done. I have a few papers to write and some physics homework due this week. A big paper due for bio. I've been working on it all the best that I can. Days like today have me questioning my decision to not put in for a student with disability. Not really sure what the school would do for me anyway.

I have been questioning my capabilities with school. I have not done nearly as well as I thought that I would. My grades are not what I want. I don't have the time to dedicate to school like I should. Still trying to work as much as I can. I hope it gets better. A little organization would help some-- but mostly I just need to buckle down. I need to make the time. Regardless of my mood. Regardless of how I am feeling.