Swelltide.

In a terrible mood. Irritable. Don't think I slept well last night. Meant to talk to the psychiatrist about getting sleep or getting something to help me sleep, but the appointment was cancelled. Low-grade headache all day. Come home, and find vomit and poo all over the floors. The cat has been throwing up.

Therapy today, which went well. Had a chance to voice my apprehension about school. Not having money saved up. The likelihood that I won't be able to hold this job and go to school at the same time. Not knowing what to expect. Hearing about this big job at work that is going to start up right around the time that school starts-- they are expecting it to be my job, and I haven't told anyone about college. I've said nothing about having to go full-time. I have no idea what to do in this situation. I tell them, and they could just get rid of me. I don't tell them, and there goes my chances of holding on to the job. I could lose my job out of spite, and I could lose it because holding on to it isn't a realistic option.

A doctor's follow up after therapy. I needed a family physician to get my immunizations for school. Had a physical. My first in more than years. Doctor handling my man-bits, which was fun. Blood work tomorrow. I'm getting older and the doctor felt like it was time to check all the getting older things. Blood sugar. Cholesterol. My testicles.

I feel like all I do anymore is support the health care system. Doctor. Doctor. Therapy. Prescription. Pills. Doctor. I usually don't mind, but today has just been that kind of day.

Tomorrow is supposed to be busy. There is a chance that I could end up working this weekend, which I don't really want to think about.

I will be glad-- whatever happens, when it happens-- so that I can stop thinking about all of this. Start dealing with some of the things. Get school out of the way. Find a good job. Get married. Have kids. Save money...

Swelltide.

I'm back to not getting sleep. Filled my prescription yesterday after work. Took my meds before bed, and it took me about two hours to fall asleep. Woke up a dozen or more times throughout the night. Woke up this morning, after hitting the snooze four times, feeling like I didn't get any sleep at all.

If living with bipolar means living the whole of my life taking medication, and taking medication means that I'm not often going to get a full night's sleep,  I am going to have to do something. I don't want more medication that I have to take. I don't want to have to take another pill because the medication I'm on keeps me awake-- but, I may have no choice.

I feel terrible for my girlfriend. Not only does she get to deal with me being a complete basket-case, she also gets to live with me keeping her up, and waking her up every night. Living with someone who is bipolar has got to feel like having bipolar yourself. No sleep. Grumpy. Irritable.

No work today, which is nice. Until my paycheck comes around. Always now, in the back of my mind, is school. This fall. I have no money saved up, am paying more in rent, have a car payment and a few credit card bills. I have no idea what to do. Normally, I would think of getting a second job, a night job, but I've had enough problems just finding a different job-- which is what led me, partially, to want to go back to school.

I've felt level today, which is nice. Tired, but level. It should be a good day for a nap.

Swelltide.

I didn't fill my prescription last week, before the holiday. So, I haven't taken medication the last few days. The upside, apparently, is that I've been getting sleep.

One quick google search of my medication and here is what I've found:

Lamictal and Insomia

I don't want to admit to my psychiatrist that I've gone a few days without medication. I am afraid that this could mean that I would have to start all over with the dosage. I don't want her to think that I'm not taking the condition seriously. I also don't want another medication added to the growing list of things that I need to take to be a fully functional human being.

When I fill the prescription, I'm going to have to do something. Not getting sleep. Not being able to stay asleep-- it isn't going to work. I can't continue to be late for work because I've slept through my alarm-- again. Summer is right around the corner, and when things pick up at work, I'm not going to be able to park and nap during lunch. I need sleep. On the medication, I'm not getting it.

Swelltide.

Friday! Hello, weekend.

Sunday, I am meeting up with some guys at work.

We talked about my need to open up to people in therapy. I have shut myself off from others, because I feel like not everyone is deserving of my friendship-- which roughly translates into nobody is really deserving of my friendship. My girlfriend, who I met almost ten years ago, is the last person I think that I've opened up to. That I've let some walls down for.

Coping mechanisms are a big thing with bipolar. I hadn't realized how my inability to cope with life-stress had been affecting me. I've lived for two years with all of the things that were important to me, painting supplies-- books-- journals-- movies, packed away in boxes. I've had no way of unwinding. Life had become enjoyable and bland, because I hadn't allowed myself to enjoy anything.

Everyone in the last few years that I've met, has seemed either unapproachable or unworthy for friendship. I would find something not to like in people. I would find some reason not to get close to anyone. I will still struggle with this. I will probably always struggle with this. But, for now and for the sake of making some kind of progress-- I've decided to go ahead and meet up. Sunday. With some people I am not sure that I like.

I don't know if this comes from being bullied as a kid or being a depressed teenager and feeling like I didn't want to rely on anyone. Maybe both. Maybe there was something in my upbringing that kept me feeling like I couldn't get close to people. I really wish that this had been one of the things that I've been more analytical about throughout my life. I could have started working on this years ago. Why is letting go of bad habits or attitudes so hard?

I really hope that this does not come back to bite me. The people I work with have a tendency to talk.. about people. Which, is one of my biggest turn-offs in others. I haven't said anything about my bipolar diagnosis to anyone but a few at work that I feel like I can trust with the information. We'll see.

Swelltide.

Therapy today. We talked a lot about the general symptoms of bipolar that I experience. Talked about my moods, my difficulty sleeping-- falling asleep and staying asleep, my need to develop some healthy coping mechanisms.

I wasn't completely convinced that bipolar was my deal. This shouldn't surprise anyone, especially myself, as I am not completely convinced of anything anymore. I thought, maybe, I've been going through this rough patch, a period of high-stress that has culminated into something that seems like bipolar.

But, now-- I'm pretty convinced.

Seems like bipolar II. Meaning, I get all of the full-blown depression but not full mania. Lucky me. I know some people out there with type I would take issue with this-- but, I feel kind of slighted. I get the low, but not all of the high. Lucky me. None of the delusions of grandeur. None of the being so excited by small things. Apparently, I also experience mixed-states and rapid cycling.

No two people with bipolar have the same bipolar. Everyone experiences it a little differently. Which, I guess has been frustrating for someone who wants to know what to expect, and who wants to learn as much as he can about what he is living with.

Anyway, therapy went well. I feel like I've made some progress. At least, I know some things I need to focus on. I am aware of some aspects of my personality that need to change. I need to get healthier (which I've known for a while). Now, if only the medication could start working, I might get somewhere.

Swelltide.

I have started reading, at the request of my therapist, Louise L. Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life." Started it, in all honesty, because I have a session tomorrow and I didn't want to go in this week without anything to discuss, talk about, or feeling like I haven't made any progress.

I am surrendering the skeptical side of myself. For now.

She writes about positive affirmation-- about letting things go and getting to the root of why a person does not feel worthy. I am only about three chapters into the book, so there will be no grand conclusions on my part here. Only some things to think about, I guess.

She claims that there are three basic paths that a person seeks out to start healing. The physical approach, the spiritual approach and the mental approach. I can see the truth in this. A person, even without having heard of Louise L. Hay, might see something wrong and learn about it-- the mental approach, pray about it-- the spiritual approach, or do something about it-- the physical approach.

My bipolar diagnosis brought on a desperate need to do my homework-- the mental approach. I'm still not done doing my homework. I ask questions on the forums. I seek out bipolar blogs and websites. I ask questions. Which is fitting, for me. I am a rational, logical person. A lot of my worth, self-worth, has been tied into what I know (my being smart). Things are more comfortable for me when I know what to expect. I will never be done doing my homework.

She claims though, that for a person to become healthy, healed and whole-- you have to incorporate all of those aspects of healing into a single approach-- a holistic approach. I am going to struggle with this. Because, I am lazy and because I am not a spiritual person. See, this is me trying to not be so skeptical.

I have some qualms with religion, and with the root of religion-- tradition. I am not sure that I am going to be able to incorporate a spiritual approach. I don't know if God exists. I am not particularly interested in ceremony, ritual, prayer... what have you. I am not saying that I couldn't learn to incorporate some of these things into my path-- I'm going to have to get over seeing it as a waste of time.

Tradition is kind of what got me here. Not with bipolar-- but with the need to reconcile things within myself. Everyone deals with something from childhood. Part of my childhood was attending a church-school (two things in my opinion that should never be combined) and at the end my second grade, I could not recite the alphabet completely. I didn't know anything about math. I couldn't read. Why? Tradition. The stories from the good book, that were over two-thousand years old, were more important than those practical, earthly things-- like math, or science or reading. I spend the next few years recovering from feeling incompetent and stupid. I'm not saying that church made me dumb, not at all. My parents should have been making sure that I was learning all of the things I was supposed to be learning-- but church didn't really help much either.

So there it is. A big way in which I feel unworthy. A cornerstone of "You Can Heal..." A part of me is still that stupid, little second grader who couldn't recite his alphabet. Being smart is important to me now, because I remember what it was like being dumb. So called 'Spirituality' is a part of it.

It's a mess isn't it? Dealing with all those repressed things that you've carried over into your adult life from childhood. I have things other than bipolar going on-- as, I'm sure, most people with bipolar do.

I'm still trying not to be skeptical.

Swelltide.

Good morning. No chance at eight hours of sleep last night. Ended up having to take a second sleeping pill to calm down enough to go to bed.

We'll see how the day goes.

Swelltide.

I need to find a balance. This is a hard thing to describe.

I need a balance between being bipolar and living my bipolar.

I have been doing homework. Reading about bipolar. Finding and reading blogs of people who live with bipolar. Keeping track of my moods and recording them on a mood chart. Paying attention to what might be a mood trigger. I have started seeing the weather-- the weather!!-- in terms of my bipolar. 'Its cloudy out today... wonder how that's going to make me feel...' I have my medication to remember and trying to eat healthy, because of bipolar. I have to try to get in some exercise, because of my bipolar. It has gotten a little tiring, and though this is what I am supposed to be doing-- it can't be healthy.

Surely, focusing on a diagnosis so much gives it a kind of energy. Three sessions with my new-age therapist and I've already started thinking this way. Hah.

Everything has become bipolar.

The balance, I think should be getting healthy and staying healthy for the sake of being healthier. Not just because of bipolar. I should want to exercise to be in better shape. I should want to not smoke so much, to not die at forty years old of a stroke. Not just because of bipolar. I should be trying to get regular sleep to feel better during the day. Not just because of bipolar.

I look forward to the day when my mood disorder is no longer in the front of my mind. I look forward to the day when everything isn't because of bipolar.

Swelltide.

I've been pushed to keep track of some things that might be a trigger to my moods. I've learned one today, I'm fairly sure.

I didn't have time to eat today, and didn't really think about it until I was at work, where I discovered that I've left my wallet at home. Finally scraped together a dollar in change and got myself a cheeseburger-- at two-thirty in the afternoon. Was feeling irritable, angry. Wanted to punch someone in the face. My phone kept going off. Traffic was too slow, it seemed to be taking forever to get anywhere.

If it had been any other day, I could have pulled over somewhere and had myself a quick nap. It isn't a cure, but I better after getting a little bit of sleep. I feel a little better now. After stuffing my face with cheese doodles and having two bananas when I came home. But, still irritable. Working on dinner, now.

Therapy on Thursday. Need to keep in mind; I need to go into with a set of goals. Show me how to cope. Teach me some ways to get to sleep. Meditation, or something. I need to get some things resolved. I need to feel like I'm getting somewhere. And, I still haven't called to let her know that my girlfriend will not be with me. I am such a slacker. But, it won't matter really. I'm paying the money. She might be a little disappointed but what can she do, really?

The girlfriend is right. I need to learn a few things for myself before we start working on the unit. Where I lack foresight, she has it in spades. Women's intuition, I guess.

Swelltide.

'Overslept,' though I don't need to be at work today at any particular time. Couldn't sleep last night. Couldn't get my mind to shut off. I'd had a few beers, which I am not supposed to have, and I didn't want to throw some sleeping medication on top of my bipolar medication on top of alcohol.

Coffee. coffee. coffee.

I need for work to pick up. School this fall and I could use a few months of working as much as I can to save as much money as I can. I am barely able to keep up with my bills, they way things are going right now. I have no faith that when school starts, my job now will work with me when it comes time for classes, finals, studying. The people in charge are petty, immature and vindictive. I think I will try to hold on to my current job. Just see how it goes. But, being tied to construction, which is by nature very unpredictable, it may not be for the best.

I guess I'll go put some clothes on now.

Swelltide.

I know that you're reading this. Thanks for checking in. Thanks for being concerned about my well being.

I am sorry that I am such a train wreck sometimes. I'm sorry that I can't concentrate, and listen at times. I'm sorry that I keep you up when I can't sleep. I'm sorry that I get aggressive, angry and irritable. I'm sorry that I can be so hard to be with.

I never wanted this. Things were hard enough for us already.

I have always secretly prided myself on being a simple person. All that it took to keep me happy was a big mug of coffee, some quiet thinking time and a cigarette or two. Now, though...

I'm sorry.

Swelltide.

I am unmotivated today. Have put a loud of clothes in the wash and I'm now sitting in chair, watching television and thinking about doing something. Thinking about nothing, really.

I should be finishing up some work that I didn't get done on Friday-- that I ignored. I should be writing letters to the universities I won't be attending in the fall. To pay five-hundred dollars in application fees to four other schools when you have one school in mind, was stupid. Still haven't paid all of it off.

School. This fall. Gah. But, I have time to think and worry about it later.

Swelltide.

Nothing like a slow, easy day. Though, I didn't sleep well last night and was sluggish this morning, I feel decent now. Got some stuff done-- but still mostly living out of boxes. My plan for tomorrow is to unpack what I can and organize the house a little.

I am not sure if this is a bipolar thing or a personality thing, but I feel so much better when I can catch a nap sometime throughout the day. Inevitably, around one or two in the afternoon my thinking becomes cloudy and I slow down. I have a feeling that this has much more to do with not getting sleep like I should.

Life is so much better when things slow down. As the work week progresses, I fall farther and farther behind on paperwork because I don't have the energy to keep up. My reports become sloppy. I don't get the sleep that I need. Throw a few depressive days in there, and I get run down. Which, only adds more stress. I don't eat like I should and I'm usually not getting a significant amount of exercise.

When I asked my therapist whether or not she believed that I am bipolar, she said 'I think you have all the symptoms of being bipolar.' Which is beginning to make sense. When you aren't sleeping, eating or thinking the way that you should-- the mind can't keep up. I'm not completely convinced. There is the genetic component that I have. It runs in the family. But, keeping your body healthy would almost certainly help keep the mind healthy.

Swelltide.

So, things might be changing a little. I've invited someone from the bipolarsupport.org forums to join me here. My goal, beyond just writing as a way to process and learn, has always been to form a community of sorts. People reading what I've written, with others who also live with bipolar joining in. This is a small step toward that goal, and I hope it happens. This is exciting to me. I'll be adding a bunch of links that I've discovered and find useful to the links page, also.

Today was a short work day for me and there isn't anything major to report-- other than the medication might, finally, be taking affect. I am feeling far more stable today than I have in a while. My thoughts aren't cloudy. I'm not manic. I'm not down, tired and wanting to shut myself off from the world but, I can't be sure that I've reached a level part of my natural mood cycle. It's the one thing that I really don't like about this whole bipolar thing.

I'm angry. Is it because I'm hypomanic? I'm irritable-- manic? I'm feeling quiet and am seeking out quiet. Am I on a depressive downswing? It is so hard to tell what shift in my mood is due to the bipolar and what is just a normal thing. Especially with anger, frustration, feeling contemplative. I still don't understand.

Therapy. My girlfriend and I have decided that before we embark on couples counseling-- I need a few one-on-one sessions, which I haven't relayed to my therapist yet. Is that wrong? I'm sure that she has put some work and thought into the next session but she is only at this particular office for two days out of the week. I wouldn't know what number to call to let her know. I wouldn't know where else she spends her time. We will see how that goes.

Anyway. Sparta, if you're reading this. I hope you join me. I could use a friend or two and I hope you feel the same. Welcome to our site.

Swelltide.

Goodmorning, world! Crazy world.

It is like the Matrix-- it is not the spoon that's bending.

My mind is bending.

I gather that my therapist doesn't buy into the concept of illness like others do. Illness is a symptom of some kind of emotion that is unexpressed, hidden or repressed. I don't know that I subsrcibe to that concept myself-- but, it is a beautiful idea when you really think about it.

Even my opinions are bipolar. I am attracted to many new-age ideas and concepts but am equally skeptical of them. I want God to exist, but doubt he does. I want to believe in things like fate, heaven, an afterlife but can't. I am equal parts-- superstition and rationality. Logic and feeling.

I know all about repression. I don't speak for days on end, though I want to. I have many carry-over issues from childhood but don't like to acknowledge them. I feel so much love for some people but can't say it, express it or show it.

Today, say what you feel and speak what you think.

Swelltide.

A good day, today. Maybe slightly manic. But, I've been in a good mood. Could be due to the medication actually starting to work. Could be that I got a decent amount of sleep last night. Could be thousand things-- and its hard to recognize, I'm learning, what is the bipolar and what isn't.

I kept busy-- kept myself occupied. Joked around a little bit with some of the people at work. I was far more sociable than I have been in a while. Talked, joked, carried on with some small talk. Paperwork. Reports. Blah blah blah. Came home.

Nothing life altering, or revelatory to write about, really. Which is nice. No big, dark clouds hovering over me. Just a simple work day.

Swelltide.

One quick post, tonight. My mood has improved significantly. I feel fairly upbeat tonight.

I overslept, and was late to work. Which is becoming a trend, but the not sleeping-- I discussed with the psychiatrist and apparently over-the-counters will work fine. So, I need to do what I can for myself when I can't sleep. I guess medicated sleep is better than not sleeping.

My girlfriend offered me some good advice today. Going into therapy without some clear goals and expectations does me no good. I need to be more assertive, say what it is I would like to work on this week, and move toward it. Whatever that 'it' might be.

So, some progress. I just need a little help sometimes. Hah.

Swelltide.

So, therapy today... How did it go? I don't know. I came out of it... feeling the same, really.

What did we talk about? Family relationships-- my mom in particular. Nothing resolved. No real progress made. Maybe a group kind of session, which I'm not really interested in. Maybe, I need to give up completely on the notion that I will have the kind of relationship with my parents that I want. Which is something we touched on. What do I want? From my parents-- I don't know. A relationship of any kind would be nice. Something beyond, "Is everything okay? How are you doing?" It was a mistake renting this place from them. It was a mistake ever expecting more from them. It was a mistake thinking that things between us would change.

 The need to get sleep we talked about also, but here I am at eleven o' clock at night. No real progress. We talked about being sensitive to the environment. Everyday, normal stressors affecting me more severely than other people. No real progress. Don't get me wrong-- having someone to talk to that is unbiased-- is invaluable. I am frustrated, however, because I was expecting things to happen a little more quickly. We were supposed to talk about cognitive therapy. Changing the way I think about things, but there just wasn't enough time. We were going to talk about relaxation, and ways to focus and calm down, but there just wasn't enough time.

And, then a follow-up with the psychiatrist. No reactions to the medications? "Good. See you later. Start taking a higher dosage and get back to me."

This whole experience has been a little disappointing. I'm not sure what I was expecting to get out of it but I know this wasn't it.

Much of what I have learned about bipolar I have done on my own. Weeks of research. The learning about hypomania versus mania. Apparently, hypomania is my deal. So, I get the normal depressive moods without getting the full-blown mania part. The full down, without the full-up. Lucky me. Maybe I'll get some flack for even stating it that way, but what do I care? I can't even do bipolar right.

The girlfriend feels that I have been distant. This whole ordeal isn't fair. I've been so pissed off about being bipolar. Feeling crazy. Wanting to just curl up somewhere and forget that the world beyond my front door exists. I haven't been focusing on much else. Nothing in my life is going like I wanted it to.To deal with this, and then to have the guilt of not being the functional human being that I deserve to be. To not have the sanity to be able to give those around me what they need. It is getting old really fast, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it beyond pretending that I'm feeling okay. Beyond repressing the need to seek out some quiet, little space and fall asleep there for a while.

Not getting sleep is killing me. Not being able to say to people what I really think, is killing me. Not having the freedom to be the basket case that I am, is killing me. I want to firebomb my work, give everyone the finger, pack a few bags with clothes and drive off. Forget everyone and everything for a while. Park my car off the road in the desert and watch the sun go down. That is what I really need.  A break from reality. From life. A vacation from suddenly being this mentally ill, incompetent person who can't focus for three minutes to listen to someone talk about something outside of myself. Why is that so difficult?!

Swelltide.

Irritable this morning. A decent amount of sleep, but tired. Heading into work.Yay.

It is a little cloudy today, and warm. Maybe the weather does have more to do with my moods than I thought. I need to pay more attention to it, the weather. Light. Heat. I still haven't any idea what my triggers are-- except maybe coffee and I'm not ready to admit that openly yet.

Therapy today and I'm looking forward to it. A one-on-one session. Maybe today will be the day that I start learning how to deal with some things.

Swelltide.

I wanted to post and had about twenty minutes to do so. Then the laptop freezes up when I open internet explorer. One reset and a couple of forced web browser closes-- here I am with only three minutes until I need to leave.

Some good news! I don't have to stop drinking my coffee:

Bphope.com - Caffeine and Bipolar

I received something approaching eight hours of sleep last night. I'm not due into work until eleven. I feel okay. Not exactly 'well' rested, but not as tired as I usually am.

If I could remember to eat. If I could not smoke two packs of cigarettes today. If I could not eat a bunch of junk. We'll see how I feel.

Swelltide.

I might need to back off the just diagnosed with bipolar, week-long freak out. I think the girlfriend is tiring of my being on the computer all the time. She still has a lot of questions, and some that I don't have answers to still. Dealing with this, all of the time, is only keeping me distant. I can't spend hours anymore, researching and writing. Bitching and moaning. Reaching out to others on forums, but not always to her.

I don't want to be a burden! I've always had the problem of not being able to ask for help. I don't like being vulnerable. I don't like needing anything from someone else. I need to get over it. I need to accept that I am a nut-- no more crazy than anyone else-- and move on.

Everyone is dealing with something.

I had a conversation yesterday, or the day before, at work-- where a coworker claimed that he carried no issues from childhood, had no feelings of inequity or inferiority, didn't deal with anger or hurt. Nothing that he's been dealing with in life. His parents divorcing? Nope. Being a single father and living in a garage? Nope. Having to rely on mom and dad to help pay bills? Nope. He's full of it.

Everyone has something. Rough childhood. Drugs. Money problems. Dead parents or siblings. Feeling isolated, or alone. Something.

This bipolar thing. This elephant in the room. What makes it so special?! Granted, I have a ton of other things I'm dealing with also. Some things related to biploar, but what makes manic depression so big for me? Why am I having a hard time accepting the fact that I am bipolar, and just moving on? I could easily pop a couple of pills every day, go to my therapy once a week, and just carry on. I don't understand what is making this so much bigger than any of the other things I've had to deal with in my life...

I have hives, bumps or something on my leg. Spent some time looking up Stevens Johnson syndrome on the internet-- and freaked out. The girlfriend found the first couple of rash symptoms and I just ran with it. Spent some time this morning continuing to scare myself. The psychiatrist said to keep an eye out and stop taking the medication if anything like this pops up. Pictures of people with their skin falling off, their mouth full of sores, eyes swollen shut. Blegh. If it weren't Sunday, I would be on the phone with the doctor right now.

Anyway. Anyway, I'll clean and organize the house today.Wash some dishes. Unpack some boxes. Been over a week since we moved in, and still things in piles-- waiting to be taken care of. Spend some time with the girl when she gets home and, for one night, pretend that there isn't anything wrong. I need a break from it as much as she does.

Swelltide.

She said, "It is hard to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable."

I wanted to get defensive. I wanted to tell her that there are times, between the ups and downs, when I am feeling pretty good. That I am not always a basket case. I am not always asleep, or irritable. I am not always locked away in a little room, chain-smoking cheap cigarettes. I am not always walking back and forth because I can't find something that I've just set down somewhere. I am not always awake at three in the morning because I'm not tired.

The truth, though, is that most of the time I am-- one or more of those things.

This isn't fair to anyone, least of all for those people that need me. Need me to be organized. Thoughtful. Empathetic. Or anything in that long list of things that I can't be at the moment. Even normal things-- brushing my teeth, washing my clothes, doing the dishes-- seem to take a monumental amount of effort.

My job bores me, and I'm not payed well. Every day is the growing anticipation that I can go home, to peace and quiet, and be myself. But, I can disappear for an hour or two and no one cares. I can go park somewhere and take a nap. I can drive to the park and walk in the woods. No one even knows that I'm gone. The benefits to me outweigh the disadvantages, for now.

Where else can I go, that would deal with someone who can barely get himself out of bed in the morning? Where else would put up with me being aggressive at times. Quiet at times. Asleep in the car somewhere. Working for the government somewhere. Maybe, that is what I need-- a state job, behind a desk.

Swelltide.

Picked the girlfriend up from her job and drove us over to my second session of therapy. Just not enough time! We are going to start an every-other-week of couples counseling which I think will be good for us. She says that she thinks we have no real problem communicating, which is true. We talk and I'm learning to open up. One of a few things we hit on. I've been so focused on not reliving the past. On not thinking to much and dwelling on the dark stuff. I throw up walls. A form of denial and a not so healthy coping mechanism.

Followed up with the psychiatrist. It could take months for the medication to level me out. But, I don't want to be too level. I don't want to be numb. I will be ramping up my medication as time goes on. It is worth giving a try, but I am still hesitant. I remember being a part of the med-mill when I was a teenager and I didn't really get much out of it. Though, I wasn't in therapy at the time. So, we will see.

Swelltide.

Woke up. Threw some clothes on. Saw it wasn't raining, as I had been expecting, and grabbed some coffee, keys, put the dog on the porch, went back for the keys I left on the rail, checked the door to make sure the dog couldn't escape and zipped off to work.

My work phone and some equipment I needed were left at the house. I go out to the job and realized I didn't have them. I have a picture holding these things in my head. Was it from yesterday? The day before? Commence freak out. I had convinced myself that they were laying in a mud puddle somewhere. I ask a guy on the job about it, and he doesn't understand. I'm talking a thousand miles and hour.

I don't get it. I can't expect people around me to understand. This bipolar ordeal is confusing to me. Makes me angry, which makes me want to lock myself in a little room somewhere and throw paint all over the walls. Having little control over how you feel, how you talk. Narcolepsy would be so much easier!

I love to sleep.

I've been looking for stories about others who were recently diagnosed. To find out how they handle it. There isn't a whole lot out there. Many, many blogs that have been abandoned. A few forums. Nothing really personal. I don't know how to cope yet. How to deal. What to do when I'm clearly down, or when my mind is acting like a blender on high. I'm beginning to get really pissed off at myself. Even that! I don't know how to deal with.

Therapy tomorrow. I am excited, for answers. Scared, because I might find out some things that I don't like. Anxious-- because when aren't I? My girlfriend will be with me, and at least there is that.

So the phone? It was on the counter. I probably never picked it up in the first place. So, this is what crazy is like... an eighty year Alzheimer's patient, whose mind never shuts off.

Swelltide.

My favorite poet? Walt Whitman. No wonder...
A link: The Famous Crazies

Today has been fairly even-keeled, though I'm tired and having some trouble concentrating. Have been doing some mental-health homework. Added a few useful sites to the links section. I'm sure that only a few people have seen my nutty rambling so far. I'm proud it-- my writing-- if only to help put some things in order in my head.

I've avoided everyone at work. Not in the mood for the immature soap opera that is my office. Whispering, all day long. This place isn't good for someone like myself. Not that I'm at risk of going postal-- but maybe exploding on someone. Mania is my weapon.

Ha! The things I've learned about bipolar already.

Swelltide.

One session. There is that itch to get back to the comfy couch. My girlfriend is going with me, to talk about the things she sees that I don't see, or can't see-- because I'm not that self-aware. She's going through some things with her family now. I want her talk about it. I want her to get that outside perspective. One counseling appointment and already I would recommend therapy to anyone. Although, there is still the possibility that next week I could hate it.

I know how lucky I am to have found a counselor, that right away, I felt comfortable with. Unless it is just the liberation of finally opening up. Maybe someday I will have the courage to disclose my bipolar with the family and those around me-- which is a realization that I'm coming to terms with. One of those things that I don't know what to do with, yet. In many ways, I am a coward.

Yesterday was a rough day. Moody. Tired. Down. I know the medication isn't supposed to work right away. I'm just tired of feeling down. Tired of having to excuse my quietness, my wanting to be left alone. Days like yesterday only remind me that there is something wrong with me. Which is still hard.

Anyway, a link about bipolar and creativity that I found interesting:

Bipolar and Creativity

Swelltide.

Well, some things are beginning to make sense-- the irritability-- the moments of outright rage-- loving sleep-- isolating myself in a little room for hours on end-- wanting to put a fork through the eyes of everyone around me.

Last night, I was up until three in the morning. Just not tired-- again. I guess that I need to get used to it. The medication is supposed to help, but based on what I've read, could take a few weeks to take effect and still may not help all of the time.

I am looking forward to my the next visit with my counselor. Which is strange. I deal with everything by not dealing with anything. Talking is kind of new to me. We breezed through everything and preempted it all by saying that we'd talk about all later. Now, I have these thoughts that I haven't acknowledged since I was a teenager and I have no idea what to do with them. Family stuff. Anxiety stuff. Coping stuff. Being bullied as a kid. The typical woe-is-me deal.

Once I figure out the layout and template I hope to organize things a little better. Some links that I've found useful:


Web MD - Bipolar Disorder

Web Md - Bipolar Relationship Advice

PubMed - Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar Support Forum

Swelltide.

Today marks the first full day of my life as a diagnosed manic-depressive. I hope to write about my living with bipolar disorder, and integrate those resources that I find useful. I haven't done much homework beyond those initial and sporadic web searches that were an attempt to understand what was going on.

I have started therapy. One session. A lot of things that I have discussed, merely touched on really, has me asking a lot of questions, but that I have no idea of what to do with-- or how to handle.

I have started medication, which I was hesitant to do.

Now, and in the next few days, I need to think about how much to write about here. How honest I want to be with the world when I have such a hard time being open and honest with myself. I want to understand and, maybe, help others understand.

Anyway, I'll leave the details for later. Goodnight.