Swelltide.

I have started reading, at the request of my therapist, Louise L. Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life." Started it, in all honesty, because I have a session tomorrow and I didn't want to go in this week without anything to discuss, talk about, or feeling like I haven't made any progress.

I am surrendering the skeptical side of myself. For now.

She writes about positive affirmation-- about letting things go and getting to the root of why a person does not feel worthy. I am only about three chapters into the book, so there will be no grand conclusions on my part here. Only some things to think about, I guess.

She claims that there are three basic paths that a person seeks out to start healing. The physical approach, the spiritual approach and the mental approach. I can see the truth in this. A person, even without having heard of Louise L. Hay, might see something wrong and learn about it-- the mental approach, pray about it-- the spiritual approach, or do something about it-- the physical approach.

My bipolar diagnosis brought on a desperate need to do my homework-- the mental approach. I'm still not done doing my homework. I ask questions on the forums. I seek out bipolar blogs and websites. I ask questions. Which is fitting, for me. I am a rational, logical person. A lot of my worth, self-worth, has been tied into what I know (my being smart). Things are more comfortable for me when I know what to expect. I will never be done doing my homework.

She claims though, that for a person to become healthy, healed and whole-- you have to incorporate all of those aspects of healing into a single approach-- a holistic approach. I am going to struggle with this. Because, I am lazy and because I am not a spiritual person. See, this is me trying to not be so skeptical.

I have some qualms with religion, and with the root of religion-- tradition. I am not sure that I am going to be able to incorporate a spiritual approach. I don't know if God exists. I am not particularly interested in ceremony, ritual, prayer... what have you. I am not saying that I couldn't learn to incorporate some of these things into my path-- I'm going to have to get over seeing it as a waste of time.

Tradition is kind of what got me here. Not with bipolar-- but with the need to reconcile things within myself. Everyone deals with something from childhood. Part of my childhood was attending a church-school (two things in my opinion that should never be combined) and at the end my second grade, I could not recite the alphabet completely. I didn't know anything about math. I couldn't read. Why? Tradition. The stories from the good book, that were over two-thousand years old, were more important than those practical, earthly things-- like math, or science or reading. I spend the next few years recovering from feeling incompetent and stupid. I'm not saying that church made me dumb, not at all. My parents should have been making sure that I was learning all of the things I was supposed to be learning-- but church didn't really help much either.

So there it is. A big way in which I feel unworthy. A cornerstone of "You Can Heal..." A part of me is still that stupid, little second grader who couldn't recite his alphabet. Being smart is important to me now, because I remember what it was like being dumb. So called 'Spirituality' is a part of it.

It's a mess isn't it? Dealing with all those repressed things that you've carried over into your adult life from childhood. I have things other than bipolar going on-- as, I'm sure, most people with bipolar do.

I'm still trying not to be skeptical.