Swelltide.

The last day of the month (and a full moon.)

The first week of classes, finished. Not a perfect week. I am only now beginning to organize myself, and to put things in order like they need to be. I missed a class because I was mistaken on which day it was.

Therapy, today. My first session in several weeks. It may be my last for a few weeks, until I can put money in order, and know what to expect working less. It was good. I wish that I had a few more hours in a session.

I do not want to see a different therapist. I don't want to start over with someone else. I also don't want to talk to someone whose job it is, to listen. My current therapist-- I feel like she cares. It isn't just a job to her. And, I don't want to lose that.

A short talk with my mother tonight, on the premise that I should be grateful  to my workplace that they are accommodating my school schedule. I don't owe them anything more than what I have given them. I am and have always been an hourly employee. I have lost my benefits, going back to school. Five or so years without a raise. No room for advancement. I don't owe them anything, other than the amount of time that I have agreed to be there. Honestly, I feel like they owe me, for what I've been through. The threats to cut my wages, the continual drama, etc.

It is the reason that I am going back to school. I don't want to be expendable anymore.

My moods have been fairly stable, lately. But, I've been too busy really to focus on anything other than school. Including how I might be feeling. I think this is a good thing for me, at the moment.

Swelltide.

Day one of classes today. Three science classes in one semester, all with labs. I am inching forward, slowly. Already, I am looking for the day when all of my requisites are out of the way and I can take those kinds of classes that interest me-- and serve me.

I feel like things are possible. I don't have complete confidence in myself, yet. I have forgotten nearly everything from when I was in school last-- eight years ago. I am much older than those people I am sitting in class with. I am probably going to be older than some of the professors. I would like to make some friends, to meet a few people. But, if it doesn't happen, it doesn't really matter. That isn't what I'm going to school for.

I did not sleep well last night. I fell asleep sometime around one in the morning, on the couch. It wasn't nerves so much as I just couldn't sleep. A long day, with little sleep.

I need to manage every free minute that I have. I need to refresh the math that I've forgotten. I need to study. I hope for no conflicts with work. If I can just get the time that I need to put in the time to study, I think that I will be okay. And, find some way to afford my medication without insurance.

Swelltide.

I have never before felt my age. My brother's friends when I was younger used to refer to me as the thirty-year old. Now, I am thirty and am attending university for the first time in my life. I feel even more older than everyone around me.

We were separated into groups, with non-traditional students falling into their own group, which for whatever reason, I wasn't apart of. So, I walked around campus, for most of the day, with people ten years younger than me. It wasn't terrible, but wasn't what I was expecting. I said very little all day, other than when I played a few games that were designed to be icebreakers.

The anxiety that I experienced today was different than the kind that I'm used to. It wasn't the hundreds of strangers that bothered me. It was knowing that my ambitions were different than everyone else. Knowing that I didn't sign up to join clubs, or hang out in the student center. This isn't really a social thing for me at all. I'm not going to college for the 'college experience'. I was almost made to feel guilty for not desiring this kind of thing.

It was something that was talked about in therapy during my last session. Some people are natural introverts. That's me. I need time to recover from being around a lot of people, a lot of noise, a lot of distractions. Obviously, not an advantage in a university setting.

I don't know whats going to happen. I don't like it. I'm losing my health insurance soon. Maybe my medication, depending on how expensive it is. I'm probably going to go without therapy for the while.

I skipped the orientation dinner and the optional activities afterward. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it, but am feeling a little guilty that I wasn't feeling as excited as I should have to be there.

Swelltide.

Goodbye, my old life. I won't miss you at all.

Swelltide.

My orientation for school begins tomorrow. Twelve hours of being around strangers. Alone. I really am beginning to regret the decision of not making my girlfriend go with me. Though, I am not sure how that would work, as the only accepted guests are parents, apparently.

I am anxious, excited and scared. Scared to death. This is a big deal to me. I've been moaning and bitching almost my entire adult life that I'm not in school. I am making that happen. It is ironic for me that I should be so fearful. I relish change where other people fear it. I love new things.

I don't remember who said it, or when. But I either read or heard someone once say that the things we are most afraid of are the very things we should be doing. I don't like being around people that I don't know. There is no guarantee of how I will be feeling tomorrow. There are no guarantees at all. But, I feel like this is something I have to try. Even if I fail, and tomorrow is only day one.

I don't know who reads this (hi, my love) or if anyone really does. Here is some advice. The thing that scares you the most-- do it, expose yourself to it. Who cares if nothing ever comes from it? At least you can say you tried.

I am capable of so much, though my 'everything' might be different from someone else's. I am going to give it everything that I have. Period. If I fail, all I have to contend with is a few thousand dollars. No big deal. I mean that seriously. Debt can be repaid. I don't want to go through life, regretting that I never tried something that I really wanted to do.

Neither should you.

Swelltide.

A rough day for me today. Woke up irritable. One of those days that I didn't really want to be around people at all, but had a trainee with me. I've been tired. Grumpy.

Tomorrow is my last full-time day at work. Orientation for school Thursday and Friday. Classes start Monday. I feel like I'm not ready. Not prepared.

The prospect of a better job, even if it is years from now, is exciting. Not being stuck in some job that doesn't serve me and will never go anywhere. That is exciting.

Swelltide.

School orientation at the end of this week, with classes starting Monday. The amount of things I need to keep track of, remember and put in order is daunting. I still don't have my books. I need to get a parking pass. I have medication through the end of the month, around the time that my health insurance will probably drop, depending on how many hours I happen to get at work.

I am terrified, and it isn't the prospect of the hard work and little sleep that bothers me. I don't know what to expect, and I don't like that. I am wondering whether the anxiety that I experienced in high school and college years ago, will suddenly resurface. The whole idea of being in a small room without windows and around a bunch of strangers, causes me to feel claustrophobic. Now, there is also bipolar. I might tune out. Lose interest. I might scare a few people-- and that scares me.

There is no sense in worrying about things outside of my control, I know. Or, things that haven't happened yet. Sometimes, I can't help it.

Otherwise, I have felt pretty good lately. Especially considering the amount of sleep that I've been getting. I've felt rested. Content in knowing that things are about to change for me very soon, in a big way.

Swelltide.

It has been a while since the big bipolar diagnosis. Four months, or five. I have school coming up. A major change at work, being that I go part-time-- or not at all, depending on how they react to me not being available all hours of the day. I am planning a discussion about the diagnosis with my family, though I don't think this talk will come any time soon.

It is something that I've brought up in therapy and keep coming back to. When to tell people and who to tell. I am not afraid of any kind of stigma, but more like a reaction to my emotions. I don't care if people know that I am crazy. Ha. Anyone who knows me really well knows that I am. I don't want to have people downplaying how I feel or what I think because they know that I am bipolar. I don't want to be in an argument and have someone dismiss what I say because I am 'unstable', or 'manic.' People are dismissive of how I feel already. It would just be an excuse to accuse me of overreacting. Or being down.

A quick appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow, and then therapy in the afternoon. I may ask for something to ease anxiety. Which, I know will be a problem when school starts and I am sitting in a shoebox of a room with no one that I know. I have been anxious lately under normal circumstances.

I have not been sleeping well, but am still reluctant to take on more medication than is good for me. I do not need to be taking something for mania, something for depression, something for anxiety and something to help me sleep. I don't want all of those meds. I have had a hard enough time taking the one pill, every day, like I am supposed to.

I wish there were one other person with bipolar, that I knew personally and could talk to. Someone who has lived with it for a while. It would make everything so much easier for me, because I do feel like nobody really understands what it is like. I do feel like I don't know enough about what I am going through, myself. And knowing is everything for me. I have to know what to expect. I must know what I'm dealing with. What is around the corner.

Because I haven't been taking my meds like I should, my mood has been somewhat unstable. I wake up feeling one way and come home feeling another. I have been somewhat irritable. Mostly, I've been feeling detached from people, without any real explanation. Lonely, but mostly separated from everyone around me. I've even gone so far as to Google this feeling. An emotion that there really isn't a word for. Depression.

I hate that word. Depression. Like an old friend who had sex with your wife. The attitudes of my family and friends to this word, is equally patronizing and pitiful. I don't even openly talk about it with anyone anymore. Maybe, I am depressed. If I am though, it is different for me now than when I have experienced it before. I am still productive. Still about to get myself out of bed and to work, though not always on time. I don't have the desire to pull the shades down on all the windows and not talk for a few days.

If I talked to my psychiatrist about it, or my therapist, drugs would be the answer. I just don't want anymore medication. So, what do you do?

Swelltide.

I feel more rested today than I have felt all week. Therapy on Thursday was good. It has been a while, as my therapist was out on vacation and then I had to cancel last week because of work. Talked some more about me growing up-- how I realize now that I have always been off-kilter. Excitable. Impulsive. Moody. It begs the question, how many people are living with bipolar but have never been diagnosed, or have had the good fortune of it not impacting their lives greatly?

Therapy covered a lot. I think because I haven't had the time to talk about it all in the last few weeks. Work. School. I need a plan of action. I need to be organized. I need to be focused and take time to take care of myself. I need the support of everyone around me. Hah.

Celebration at the house today. Lots of family over, and friends. I saw my grandparents last night, in a little hotel up the road. It surprises me always, that my grandmother seems younger every time I see her. I am trying not to let the idea of the crowd cause me any anxiety. I don't really handle a lot of noise, social chaos, well anymore. I get overstimulated. I try to focus on three or four conversations at a time.

The girlfriend and I are both a little grumpy this morning. She has gone back to bed and I am nursing a cup of coffee. It'll be a good day.

Swelltide.

Overslept this morning but was in no hurry because of the weather last night. Running late, obviously, and come to a red light in town where I see the a co-worker drive past. The office gossip girl. Fun.
My boss later-- the only person at work that to whom I have confessed to being bipolar, claims he came by my job this morning. "I didn't see you." This really means, the troublemaker 'saw you running late.' Why he gets involved in this pathetic, high school stuff is beyond me. I didn't lie or make any excuses. I didn't say much of anything. Whatever.

I would love to have a job where every person of equal station is expected to perform equally. This doesn't happen. I'm sure it works this way in nearly every other place of private business. There are friends and relatives here working together. People do the best they can to do the least they can. People who work hard, and aren't prone to complaining get stuck with all the difficult tasks. I am one of these people. One of a few.

I won't have to settle for this for much longer. School.  At this juncture, I will be working at this place part time, but if it continues to be this way-- favorites, friends, relatives, I will borrow the money for bills and find a different job. I don't want to be dealing with this kind of thing when I have other, bigger things to worry about.

Now of course, I am working early tomorrow and I'm really trying not to read to much into it. I'm being punished, but really shouldn't care. Even if I'm being pushed out, because I'm going back to school and want better for myself, I shouldn't care. But, I do.

Anyway, I haven't been sleeping well lately. Tired. Unmotivated. Can't seem to want to get out of bed. So many things I should be doing or working on-- and I just don't feel like it. In a downward mood cycle. Hope my outlook and my energy return for school.

Swelltide.

A bipolar mind:

"Ugh. What time is it? Going to go back to sleep. It'll be okay if I'm a little late today..."

"Ugh. What time is it, now? Uh Oh... I was supposed to be at work two hours ago. Where are my pants? Socks? Shoes?! Where did I put my keys!? No time to wash my face. Or brush my teeth. Or comb my hair. A cup of coffee... Hope nobody has noticed that I'm running late..."

"Ugh. What time is it? Only been at work for an hour? Can't wait to go home! I don't need to do my paperwork. I can do it later. Oh, God. Here comes that one guy. I don't feel like talking to anyone..."

"Home. Finally. Now what? Bored. Maybe I should take a nap... Ugh. My life is boring."

The next day day: "I'm awesome."