Swelltide.

My girlfriend and I had a crisis meeting with my therapist yesterday. We all talked about the living situation. Stress. Being ill all the time. How hectic everything is for us right now. And, school. So much has been thrown in our path. We're both dealing with a lot.

For my girlfriend to be able to talk about things, and someone not to dismiss how she feels or make her  feel crazy. For someone to offer the kind of support, and to suggest the kind of things that she had been saying, feeling and thinking for so long-- she really needed it.

Here I am, in this position where I have so much to do, and so much to focus on, that I can't offer the kind of support that she needs. She keeps saying that she doesn't want to come home. I know that, in part, it is because I can't be there for her in the way that needs me to be. The guilt I feel for that. The one person in the world who means the most to me, who has been there for me even at the times when I didn't deserve it...

Her anxiety is better. Her IBS, as the doctor calls it, really isn't. The therapist believes, as I do, that it is stress induced. Since we've lived over here, both of us have been sick almost constantly. Sleeping a lot.  Wanting to be left alone. Not eating like we should be, or taking care of ourselves like we should be. She is depressed. Dealing with stress. And, it is taking a toll on her health.

We've dealt with a potential law suite, my almost being laid-off, my car breaking down. Refurbishing this place that was supposed to be ours, that was supposed to be cheap, that was supposed to be a retreat. Instead, we're paying more, dealing with things not being fixed and the appliances breaking down-- and getting none of the things that we wanted. It is an hour away from anything, so we're dealing with a much larger expense in gasoline. It is dark, and musty. Our basement is full of damp and bugs. It isn't our home, just some place that we rent. Mom has done her best to remind us constantly of whose place it really is. And, I have dad coming in whenever he pleases to get tools or furniture out that should have gone before we moved in.

None of this is right, fair, or just. We were expected to put in all of this free labor into a place that turned out to be nothing that we wanted. My girlfriend's parents donated all of this flooring early on, because my parents were selling this as a wonderful opportunity for us. And we've ended up paying much more than what we thought we were going to, and doing a lot of the touch-ups ourselves. I don't  like thinking of this way about my own parents, at all. But, we got screwed. And now, the girlfriend wants to move out, because of the way we've been treated and because of my mother's personality... and I am in this terrible position of having to potentially sever ties with my parents forever, or continue putting up with things the way they are.

I know, when we have the conversation about moving-- that it will be the end of any relationship with my mother. I can be branded as a selfish child who is ungrateful for all the things that I've been given. And that will be that. I will talk to my dad here and there, get some mail from him once in a while and see them on Christmas without any actual involvement as a family.

Everything here seems to revolve around my mother's emotional needs. Everything has always revolved around my mother's emotional needs. She is so jumbled and so tangled emotionally, that everything around her, must be complicated. She is bitter, and negative. She refuses to deal with it or to talk about it. It is something I have talked about in therapy almost every visit. I expect my mom to be a mom. To offer the kind of support, caring and concern that a mother should. But, she can't. When I had the conversation with her about my being bipolar-- it was the same as any serious conversation that I have ever had with her. I approach her almost like she is a child. I have to be very careful about what I say, and how I say it. Then, everything becomes about her. How unhappy she is. How she never has been happy. How she has dealt with certain things. It is her way of acknowledging what I am going through while at the same time telling me that she can't be counted on for any real support.

That is what is always comes down to. She wants to help, maybe, but can't because she deals with her own shit. Her own shit that she doesn't like to think about because it scares her to death. I talked to her about going to talk to a shrink, but she won't do it. It scares her to much. "If you start where do you stop..." I couldn't say anything because there wasn't anything that I could say that would actually help. What needs to be said and probably never will is, "If you don't want to help yourself mom, I can't make you, but I need you to be a parent. I have always needed you to be a parent." My dad, who I used to have so much respect for, who I still have a lot of respect for... I pity them. Even this makes me feel guilty. What child should pity his parents?

It was a terrible idea renting from my parents.

The plan at this point, is to have several plans. We're going to talk to my parents about needing to live here for either really cheap or pay no rent at all. The plan then, if this doesn't work, is to live with my girlfriend's parents for a few months to save money and get a place closer to school and her work. This is probably what we've needed to do in the first place. If we can't do that then we are going to move to some hole-in-wall place short-term until we can figure things out. We probably qualify now for a rent controlled apartment. I am honestly hoping that my parents don't want this to happen. It would be easier then for us to move on. What happens if they say that they will help us out, and we continue to be unhappy here?

I have enough to do, that I don't honestly believe that I can go on this way-- and keep up with everything. Working as much as I can. Commuting two hours every day. Spending every spare moment that I have studying, and now trying to catch up on all of the things that I need to know but haven't done well on. Reading. Homework. Lab reports. Tests. Keeping the house straight. Trying to clean and organize. And, all of the other things that go along with day to day life-- taking care of my car, making sure the animals are feed. Getting in some exercise. I may have taken on too much. Now, we may be moving. Now, I have all of this crap to deal with that should have been dealt with a long time ago.

Never again will I put us into a situation like this without first considering all of the details. There were no expectations going into moving here. There wasn't much of a conversation about how much rent was going to end up being or what we were going to be responsible for in the end. My mom is pushing for us to sign a two-year lease, and it isn't going to happen. I don't know if I can stay even for a few more months.

Swelltide.

Sitting in Starbucks with a tall coffee that was empty about an hour ago. Studying physics, with Google at the ready to help me with answers. I don't know what I am doing really.

School so far has made me feel incompetent, slow, frustrated. Here, I've borrowed all of this money, which I still haven't received, and I am not sure that I am even passing all of my classes. I am putting the time in. I am putting in more time is some things than they deserve or would take anyone else, and I'm not getting it. The quality of my professors has not met my expectations. The quality of the school itself has not met my expectations. People refer to this place as the 'Harvard of the south'. A bunch of bullshit. I don't know if this is a systemic thing, where you pay all of this money and no one seems to give a shit. I dunno... I know if it stays like this, I am not going to make it. Maybe transfer schools. Maybe dumb down my degree until I get one. And these are freshman classes.

I know what the school would say. Get a tutor. Go see your professor. I have one professor who is contemptuous of the students who are struggling. Of the people who this stuff doesn't come easily to. That is what I am paying all of this money for. And a tutor, seriously? I am working already as much as I can to help with bills and I don't have time to keep up with my assignments as it is. How am I going to find time for a tutor.

Maybe this was all a pipe dream. To the tune of 10k dollars, at least I can say that I tried if it doesn't work out.

I had to walk out of my chemistry lab today. I took about thirty minutes to walk around outside before I went back in. I kept thinking, 'what am I doing here?!' I got bumped from another lab partner. This has happened to me every week in two of my labs. Here I am, the older guy, who doesn't know how to balance a chemical equation, who doesn't know what the molecular formulas for the chemicals are-- who would want to be my lab partner? Seriously. I suck at math. I haven't had any of this stuff, except biology before. I feel like I am smarter than this. I didn't finish the assignment, and surprise, my professor didn't really give a shit.

Work has written me off. Not even scheduling things for me anymore. I haven't gotten my financial aide refund. I have no money. A Psych appointment tomorrow. Everything around me is a mess.

Some big news. I told my mother about me being bipolar. So, she knows. It didn't go exactly like I expected it to. No concern, really for me. I told her because my girlfriend felt that she couldn't be the only emotional support that I have. Good luck, getting my parents to be all that supportive. I don't think its going to happen and I am afraid that it is going to lead to the choice of me moving out and probably damaging the already tenuous relationship I have with my parents. Or, my girlfriend moves out. She hasn't been home for close to two weeks. I think at this point, and until we actually say that we're moving out, I cannot expect too much of my parents. Especially, emotionally. It has been this way my whole life.

I still don't even know how I feel about my mom knowing. My dad knowing. I don't know the implications yet-- if there are any. But, I don't really like anyone knowing anything about me.

Swelltide.

My girlfriend and I met up in town yesterday to talk, to relax and to spend a little time together. She is still at her mom's house, and probably will be for a while. We went to the book store, got some coffee and sat outside, smoking and talking. Even considering how things are for us right now, it was nice. Reminded me of when we were dating, and acting cool. We used to do stuff like that all the time.

We talked about everything. How bad her anxiety was or is. How bad her depression is. How some things have to change. She isn't happy, being where we live. She feels isolated and the house makes her feel claustrophobic. There is no room, no storage and the space that we have is being taken up by the boxes. Almost everything we own is still in boxes, and we have nowhere to store things or to put things. She wants to move. She wants to be near things to do. She doesn't want it to take an hour to get home anymore, and all of this is causing her a tremendous amount of stress.

Not to mention, having to support me. Having to make sure that I am eating, and getting on my case about not smoking so much. Dealing with my moodiness. Helping me to find things that I've misplaced. Dealing with my periods of insomnia, and not sleeping because I am not sleeping. She feels guilty for even feeling this way. I understand, completely.

The guilt! The guilt that I feel for causing everyone around me more hardship than what they deserve. So, I isolate my emotions, because I don't want to burden anyone with my ups and downs. It isn't fair to anyone, my bipolar affecting them. I don't reach out and I do my best to keep everything to myself. But, this isn't fair to her. She feels like, because I haven't disclosed being bipolar to anyone that she has become my only support. Being there for me is a burden that I've made her carry alone.

I've never thought of it that way.

And now, we're in this place where she doesn't want to live-- that we're renting from my parents. I am faced with disclosing my diagnosis in the hopes that they will become more supportive. To help out a little financially. Especially with me being in school now.

What a touchy subject for me. My parents are very old school. They are not outwardly emotional people. They have a habit of being very dismissive of how people feel. My mother is not a very maternal person. She is not emotionally available, and more than likely is bipolar herself. Though, I doubt that she would ever seek help with it, even knowing that there are others in the family who are bipolar. She has spent so much of her time distracting herself, so as not to have to deal with the deep-rooted emotional knots that have held her back from being a truly happy person. My mother has never spent, at least that I know of, any time dealing with being sexually abused as a child. She has never processed, and never acknowledged the impact of some of the things that have happened to her in life. I don't think she is interested in helping herself.

Now, because of the nature of my parents' personalities-- I am in this situation where I could potentially lose my girlfriend, or potentially distance myself from my parents for a really long time. I know what the right thing to do is. I just need the courage to do it. I need to make my parents finally be parents. I need to ask some really hard questions. I need for them to be supportive of me in a way that they never really have been. I have no faith that they will be willing. At least not until I move out and go back to not wanting to have anything to do with them.

I don't understand why but I am treated differently than my siblings. I have always had to deal with things in my life on my own. While my parents bend over backward for my sister. Sometimes for my brother. It is a major point of contention for my girlfriend. In moving here, we both thought that they were finally going to show the kind of support that I deserve, and it hasn't worked out that way at all.

It was naive of me to think that things would be any different. They never have been. I wish I had thought more about moving over here in the first place. But, things are what the are. I just have to deal with them. Finally, hopefully for the better-- I have no choice.

Swelltide.

I slept at my brother's girlfriend's house last night, and stayed up until about two in the morning studying for a chemistry test that I had today. I needed to be closer to school, get as much time in to study as I could.

Drove to school  two hours early to study in the parking lot. I fell asleep, with the window down and the overhead lights on. Woke up about fifteen minutes before my test with the car battery dead. I can't close the window, or set my alarm. My choice was either to miss the test and get a jump, or leave my car window down and unlocked.

So, I took the test. Thinking the whole time, 'what if someone breaks into my car...' Though, there isn't anything in there worth stealing other than the biology book I paid 200 dollars for. Also, thinking about all of this stuff going on with my girlfriend, and my girlfriend and me. Tired. I didn't finish the test on time. Go to Biology where I get my test back. A solid C-. Awesome. Additional homework-- go through the test and correct your answers. Due next week. Awesome. I run to my professor's office after this class to finish my test. Which I can't do, because I spend fifteen minutes on one problem that I can't solve. Awesome. Eventually, I give up on this problem and hand the damn thing in anyway. I run out to the parking lot, find my car as I left it, and call the university police for a jump. Wait twenty minutes, study some physics...

I called up the cashier's office at school. 'Hi. Where is the student loan money that I applied for a month ago and haven't seen yet?' Somehow it was sent to the address that I lived at in 2004. What?! 'I didn't apply to school here in 2004...!" How does this happen? I yelled at this cashier for about ten minutes, yell at her manager for ten minutes. 'Oh, we have nothing to do with the address on file, sir. Give it a few days and then we will put a stop payment on the check.' I lost it. For about a minute, I went completely crazy. 'Why would you sent the check to an address that I lived at eight years ago?! I can't wait a couple of more days! I wouldn't have borrowed money for school if I didn't need it! Explain to me how I am supposed to pay my bills that are due if takes two weeks to put a stop-payment on the check, for you to send a new one out! AND! Where the hell did this address that I lived at eight years ago come from?!' I then drop my phone and have to call back. Am put on hold for about ten minutes. When I talk to the woman again, we are nicer to one another, but nothing is resolved. I am screwed-- bottom line.

I crashed. Fell asleep for about four hours. I've been meaning to straighten up the house, organize some things. Not knowing if my girlfriend is even coming home tomorrow or not. Here it is, midnight, and I haven't worked on any homework or studied, and the house is only partially clean.

I now have a lab report to resubmit, a lab report due, a quiz to finish for biology. I have physics homework due this week and my first physics test coming up. How do you prioritize all of this? This and personal life stuff? How do I prioritize bills, all of the things going on with school-- which I am about ten-grand in debt for, these things going on with my girlfriend, work and have time to study. I need to study because the amount of time that I've devoted to school, which is almost every free minute I have, isn't cutting it. In the back of my head right now, no matter what I am doing, is me thinking about whatever the hell is going on with my girlfriend.

My parents dropped by. 'Is everything Okay?' I wanted to scream and throw things around, tell them to get the hell out of my house-- which I haven't paid rent on because my student loan money is probably sitting in a post office somewhere.

All of this would be comical really, if it wasn't happening to me.

It feels like the universe is conspiring against me and I really don't understand it. I am having an urge to pack up a few things and drive the country for ten years. I don't want to deal with any of this. I am afraid that I don't have the time, or the energy to handle all of it at once.

Swelltide.

Quick update here as I have a lot of studying to do and not a lot of time to finish it all. Test tomorrow. Stress.

My girlfriend has been diagnosed by a doctor as having depression and anxiety. Prescribed some medication and there you go. We didn't talk for long as she is still staying with her mom. The doctor didn't talk to her at all about going to talk to a shrink. Just, here you go-- have some pills. Sounds a lot like my experience as a kid going to the doctor and being prescribed Paxil. No conversation, just-- have some pills.

I wish she would consider going to talk to someone. Maybe she has. Maybe, she is considering it. I don't know yet. I know we're having a 'talk'. Soon. When I'm not busy every waking moment studying and trying to keep up with homework, tests, lab reports...

I know it was going to be this way, but I didn't know it was going to be this way, to this extent. I am having problems getting up on time. Surprise. Keeping on top of everything that is due, and when. Studying. It is too much. Now add some potential relationship stress, which will probably become some family stress, which will become personal stress.

I don't want a caretaker. I don't want someone always looking out for me. I just need some things to come easier. I should be concentrating on my test tomorrow, but instead am thinking about this 'talk' coming up.

Swelltide.

I need some positivity!

All talk and no action.

Stop focusing on the things that are making you unhappy and do something about it. You hate your job. So, quit. Stress. Chaos. So organize something. Take some time for yourself You need help? Ask.

Focusing on all of the things going wrong only makes it worse. Time to start living the change.

Swelltide.

I've been feeling bummed. Down. Having problems sleeping. No appetite. The blues.

The people around me, who know of my being bipolar; most of them haven't realized yet that this means I deal with depression. Or they haven't given it much thought. Being mildly depressed is standard for me. Having problems motivating myself. Finding enjoyment in things. I've lived with depression for so long though, I know of ways around it. I've learned ways of ignoring it, pushing through it, and pretending for everyone else that everything is okay. Sometimes, it is hard. Sometimes, I can't.

I got a 40% on my first chemistry quiz, and beat myself up about for a little while. I know what I need to do. I need to hit the books. I need to practice the math. I need to catch up. I didn't have this in high school. I should have been been doing this from the first day of class. I'll know that I am in real trouble after this week coming up. A biology test, and a chemistry test. 

My girlfriend came home for a day, then went back to her mom's. She's feeling clausterphobic at home. Having some weird symptoms, and having a hard time eating. Being around her mom helps her to feel better, and eases some anxiety.

Swelltide.

It has been a few days (or weeks) since I've written. I've caught a serious cold or the flu. Over the weekend, I felt terrible. I haven't been sleeping well, waking up coughing. But, even with the burden of school work, and little sleep, my moods have been fairly stable. The anxiety that I was expecting at school has never really manifested-- probably due to my medication. Which is great.

My financial aide money has not yet arrived, and I am beginning to stress about it. I haven't paid rent still, and have a few bills due. I need the money. They said five to eight business days. It has been four or five. I need to let it go, and let things take care of themselves. I don't need to be worrying about money right now.

The girlfriend is staying at her mom's house. She isn't feeling well either and maybe she doesn't think that I am capable of taking care of her. There is obviously something going on. I don't know what to think about it yet. She says that she's tired of coming home to the mess, to things being disorganized. She needs a break. Fine. I think that, maybe, there is more to it. I've offered to stay over once I've caught up on school work. She didn't seem to like the idea.

I am going to focus on my school work. If there is anything she wants to talk about, I trust she will bring it up. We're both going through this transitional period where we are thinking about the things that we really want. Where we want our lives to go.

Maybe, I've taken on too much. That is one of my major concerns. Maybe I've taken on too much to make myself available to be there for the people who need me. I don't know. It is hard to process when you're learning physics for the first time, chemistry for the first time. Trying to brush up on math that you've forgotten years ago.

Speaking of school work, I need to get back to it. I'll write again when I can.