Swelltide.

My girlfriend and I met up in town yesterday to talk, to relax and to spend a little time together. She is still at her mom's house, and probably will be for a while. We went to the book store, got some coffee and sat outside, smoking and talking. Even considering how things are for us right now, it was nice. Reminded me of when we were dating, and acting cool. We used to do stuff like that all the time.

We talked about everything. How bad her anxiety was or is. How bad her depression is. How some things have to change. She isn't happy, being where we live. She feels isolated and the house makes her feel claustrophobic. There is no room, no storage and the space that we have is being taken up by the boxes. Almost everything we own is still in boxes, and we have nowhere to store things or to put things. She wants to move. She wants to be near things to do. She doesn't want it to take an hour to get home anymore, and all of this is causing her a tremendous amount of stress.

Not to mention, having to support me. Having to make sure that I am eating, and getting on my case about not smoking so much. Dealing with my moodiness. Helping me to find things that I've misplaced. Dealing with my periods of insomnia, and not sleeping because I am not sleeping. She feels guilty for even feeling this way. I understand, completely.

The guilt! The guilt that I feel for causing everyone around me more hardship than what they deserve. So, I isolate my emotions, because I don't want to burden anyone with my ups and downs. It isn't fair to anyone, my bipolar affecting them. I don't reach out and I do my best to keep everything to myself. But, this isn't fair to her. She feels like, because I haven't disclosed being bipolar to anyone that she has become my only support. Being there for me is a burden that I've made her carry alone.

I've never thought of it that way.

And now, we're in this place where she doesn't want to live-- that we're renting from my parents. I am faced with disclosing my diagnosis in the hopes that they will become more supportive. To help out a little financially. Especially with me being in school now.

What a touchy subject for me. My parents are very old school. They are not outwardly emotional people. They have a habit of being very dismissive of how people feel. My mother is not a very maternal person. She is not emotionally available, and more than likely is bipolar herself. Though, I doubt that she would ever seek help with it, even knowing that there are others in the family who are bipolar. She has spent so much of her time distracting herself, so as not to have to deal with the deep-rooted emotional knots that have held her back from being a truly happy person. My mother has never spent, at least that I know of, any time dealing with being sexually abused as a child. She has never processed, and never acknowledged the impact of some of the things that have happened to her in life. I don't think she is interested in helping herself.

Now, because of the nature of my parents' personalities-- I am in this situation where I could potentially lose my girlfriend, or potentially distance myself from my parents for a really long time. I know what the right thing to do is. I just need the courage to do it. I need to make my parents finally be parents. I need to ask some really hard questions. I need for them to be supportive of me in a way that they never really have been. I have no faith that they will be willing. At least not until I move out and go back to not wanting to have anything to do with them.

I don't understand why but I am treated differently than my siblings. I have always had to deal with things in my life on my own. While my parents bend over backward for my sister. Sometimes for my brother. It is a major point of contention for my girlfriend. In moving here, we both thought that they were finally going to show the kind of support that I deserve, and it hasn't worked out that way at all.

It was naive of me to think that things would be any different. They never have been. I wish I had thought more about moving over here in the first place. But, things are what the are. I just have to deal with them. Finally, hopefully for the better-- I have no choice.