Swelltide.

I am playing hooky today. Which, is awesome-- it being only the third real day of classes. I feel like a real idiot.

Last night, after spending almost thirteen hours on homework, I got into to bed to study Spanish. Then, couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned. Switched ends of the bed. Took clothes off and put clothes on. At one point, I became so frustrated that I threw some things across the room and stormed off into the bath room. When I finally fell asleep, the sun was coming up.

I had plans of waking up early. Studying, and getting some things done. Finishing up homework. I doubt it will happen today. Any of it.

I would love to file a formal disability with the school-- I gave up that hope of playing at normalcy a long time ago-- but, in order to do so, you must be seeking 'help' with whatever condition you happen to have. In my case this would mean medication, which I can't afford or therapy, which I can't afford.

I don't want hand-outs. I just want to be able to sleep. As far as receiving some kind of aide or help with medication, I don't really know where to look. Many of the medications available for bipolar come with potentially nasty side effects or complications-- which require regular check-ups. Which, I don't have the money for.

When does this end?

I would hate to think that giving up my steady but dead-end job to go back to school and better myself was a mistake.

But, maybe it was.

Swelltide.

While I am a living testament of a person living with a mood disorder being capable of functioning (and contributing) in society, I feel so limited at times.

It seems harder for me to prioritize events, schedules and tasks. Given what kind of mood I'm in, everything seems either significant (and important) or completely uninteresting. Sometimes, it takes me so much longer to process and understand things. Then, there are those rare days where my mind is sharp and I understand everything.

I am struggling with my school work. Today, I've spent the better part of six hours studying something that I still don't understand. I have resisted the urge to punch a hole in the wall. So, far at least. But, it is days like today that makes me feel so stupid. Slow. I begin to question if what I am attempting is even possible.

How do you keep moving forward with a mind-set like that? You can't. So, I am going to take a break. Ignore all of the other homework I have at the moment. Relax. And, keep at it.

Swelltide.

I am hoping to be far more active now that my new PC has arrived. It is really difficult to post from a two inch screen from your cell phone. 

School has started back up. Already, having some issues staying on track, staying focused and getting things done. Anxiety, though as far as first days go, this semester was relatively smooth. 

Recently, I've had problems sleeping. Starting off the days feeling sluggish and tired. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I am wide awake. Probably time to start therapy back. Get back on the medication. Start dealing with the day to day stress again, rather than pretending that nothing bothers me.

Anyway, here is a link about about mental disorders and genetics that I came across today. More evidence has surfaced that many mental disorders may be the result of a gene at work. The article is worth a look. 

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/264715.php

Swelltide.

On the ferry and my way to campus. First day of classes. Damn my nerves.

Closer to my degree every new semester. Proud of myself for refusing to stay always in my comfort zone. If for nothing else, returning at almost thirty, distancing myself from all those things that are comforting but not always healthy has made it worth the trouble.

Swelltide.

I haven't been working the last week or so. It has been slow, and school is right around the corner. Ordered a few books with what financial aide money I could. Still one item to get, exceeding $300 that I don't have the money for. Wait, didn't something similar happen last year? Yes.

Though, I haven't been sleeping well, I feel pretty good. I am optimistic about school. I have energy.

As soon as the financial aide comes in, I will be thinking of counseling again. It is good for me, and for anyone like myself. It is nice to talk to someone who knows what is happening with you, with what you're dealing with. I haven't had that in months, and I miss it.

A Bipolar Documentary:

"Many people don't seem to know what those with bipolar disorder go through..."

Swelltide.

I feel an intense unease with nearly everything. I cannot be happy, like I should be. I cannot feel rested like I should. I cannot seem to make head or tails of what I feel or what I think. My moments of clarity and contentment are so brief... I am not happy with my job and I am not happy when I'm home. And, change doesn't seem to come fast enough or even in the way that I want it.

Why do I do this to myself? Think everything to death... Expect the worst... I don't understand it.

Swelltide.

Despite having the house to ourselves, we haven't had sex. I am beginning to worry, though I have been feeling hyper-sexual. Maybe, my mood has been on the up. Maybe, I just need to get laid.

Every day for about a week, the kids have been gone and the house has been quiet. Our roomate and her children have been staying in the city. It has been nice.

Right now, just one thing on my mind... Maybe, now she understands those times when I've been tired. Feeling down or restless. But, I doubt it.

I currently have no plans of going into work tomorrow. It has been slow, this week. No need to worry about money. I don't have any.