Swelltide.

I want to move. I want a break.

I've had a pretty terrible day. Work stuff, which isn't really important. Or, shouldn't be. I've been promised training and advancement into a direction that I want to go... Only, to find out today that it won't happen. Not really a surprise, but I was hopeful... Today, was a completely disorderly day. Jerked around for no reason, and wasted a lot of time. Also, not really a surprise...

My birthday is this weekend. My sister is coming into to town... and my birthday has become a family gathering-- that has nothing to do with my birthday. I haven't committed to going, and I won't. If it were my brother's birthday or my sister's birthday, we'd be having dinner. We would be hanging out.

I'm done with commitments. I am done with being an afterthought.

I need away from my parents. For a while. Years, maybe. I need to let go of all the resentment I've been feeling and I need to feel like I'm getting somewhere. It is all about perceptions, apparently-- which I 'learned' in therapy during my last session.

Everyone always asks why I don't just talk about it. Whenever I speak up-- it always becomes somehow, that I am being selfish. The truth is, my parents I think, think that emotions are indulgent. They don't allow themselves the freedoms of being so... selfish? angry? I don't know. But, it doesn't work. Whenever I try to have a serious conversation, it is turned around on me. It becomes reflective of them and I don't want to hear it anymore. I don't have to deal with it anymore. I don't have to buy into the bullshit of 'they did the best with what they had...'

Crap.

Swelltide.

My counseling hasn't been enough. On some level, I haven't been honest with myself; I haven't been honest with the people around me. What do you have, if you don't have truth? There are some big things that I haven't been honest about. And, I've bottled up a lot of guilt, shame, remorse...

I hate who I am. I am not happy. That is where it starts; being honest with yourself. I am not happy with my life and I am not happy with myself. I do not like the compromise of character that I have made for so many years. This affects everything. The relationship that I have with my girlfriend, my work and my family.

So. I must prove to myself, to the ones I love-- that my word is truth. Is real. That I say what I mean and act as I speak.