Swelltide.

Class C flip out last night. Could not sleep and was getting frustrated. Punched the pillow a few times. Tossed and turned all night, and wanted to scream or put my fist through a wall, which I couldn't do because there were kids asleep downstairs.

I have been in a terrible mood the last couple days, just wanting some space; some peace and quiet. Some privacy. The ability to walk around in my underwear, if I wanted to.

Our roomate has taken it upon herself to clean up the basement with the intention to put the kids down there at night, which I learned about from my girlfriend before heading to bed. I tell them, "You can't do that." It is damp and there is mold. The renovation inspection says it is not liveable space. There is a reason that no one else has a basement in this area. It is just too damp... She says, "Well we need to figure something out."

No. She needs to figure something out. Like, her own house. Like not sitting around all day causing drama with the kid's dad on Facebook. Like focusing on what is best for here children. I would want better if it were my own kids but what do I know? Sleeping on an air matress...

Again, I find myself in a situation where I feel like I can't say much. When I cannot sleep, it would be nice juat to lay down on my own damn couch.

That is where I'm at.

Swelltide.

I need friends.

I am curious to know if others, being bipolar, have a difficult time forming connections with other people.

I do not have patience for small talk and I no longer identify myself by what I like. Superficiality has become something of a turn off for me when I meet strangers. Those people I considered friends who defined themselves by music, fashion-- I now find shallow.

Sigh. Really, I would just like to get someone on the phone for a while. Or go out for a few beers. Have a talk about ideas instead of things. I miss it.

Swelltide.

Tired. Feeling, maybe undeservedly, pessimistic about the future. I am so far from getting where I want to go in life. Education. Career. Kids... Not really sure if those things are truly what I want anymore. I only feel this undercurrent of desperation to get somewhere.

Have been taking much more time to myself. Maybe being 'antisocial' but I need some calm. Some quiet. Some peace. I am not regretting letting people stay with us, but it is difficult. The expectations are difficult-- to help out. To watch the baby. To make sure no one gets hurt, or that everyone is comfortable. I feel obligated to be supportive and to be a good host. I dispise obligations.

I need to get laid. That would make me feel a little better.

swelltide.

Our friend has taken the kids and left us the house to ourselves tonight. I have blown off work to enjoy the peace and quiet until the girlfriend comes home.

The whole situation is too much for me. This girl is attempting to 'work things out' with the newest baby daddy. They communicate over text messages and haven't had a real phone conversation with each other since she has been staying with us. This guy is nearly ten years older than her and he acts like a child. They both do.

I don't know the protocol here. It really isn't my place to say anything about her personal life, right? Over the weekend she spent the night with this guy, who doesn't want her living with him-- and they had unprotected sex. When I learned this... I was so angry that I couldn't see straight. So, we let her stay with us, for an indefinate period of time, so that she can make the same mistakes over again? Meanwhile, we get stuck watching her kids for the night??

Not anymore.

But, how do I comment on the situation without interfering into her personal life?

I have spent the last few days trying to maintain. To stay calm. Noise. Crying. Mess. Clutter. Have been irritable and tired. At least tonight I might get lucky and then get some sleep.

swelltide.

We decided to give our friend a break and the girlfriend and I are taking the kids for the night. Everyone is napping but here I am, smoking on the patio while Baby Einstein plays in the background.

What a ride the last couple of days had been! Irritable and tired. Only a few hours of sleep in a night. Have been exhausted during the day, avoiding people when I could knowing what my attitude was likely to be like. I don't like feeling that way. Having to keep my mouth closed and impulses in check. Being grumpy. At least I have learned some ways of dealing...

Today, I am content. Tired but level.

swelltide.

Things remain complicated. I do not enjoy digging up the past, spending a lot of time thinking about the more unenjoyable aspects of my life. Reliving moments I've spent most of my life trying not to deal with in the first place.

I don't think a person every really gets over things. Maybe you grow, forgive or manage enough that your hang-ups aren't the center piece of your existence anymore. But, there will always be times when pain or resentment comes back in full force.

That aspect of my ordeals I have not yet learned to cope with.

Swelltide.

Ready for school to start back up. The summer job has.not worked at as I thought it would. Not saving any money. Ran up some debt to get back to work. What a senseless thing to worry about-- money, but I do anyway.

Only a few hours of sleep last night but I feel okay. Have been restless and moody. As usual.

Ready for a change.

Swelltide.

So... May since I have written last. So much has happened! My laptop died which explains my absence. Bought a smart phone, finally. Which I am writing from now.

We've had a friend move in with us. And her three kids. It hasn't been terrible. Nice actually that the house doesn't seem so empty. I try, really hard, at times to remain 'normal.' What ever that means anymore.

Still not on the meds. Haven't been to the shrink in months. My moods have been pretty drastic. Up and down. But, work has been slow this summer and not nearly as stressful as I remember it having been in the past.

The last few days have been rough. I have felt, dispite there people in the house, disconnected. Lonely. Isolated.

Depressed. I hope this is over soon but the dark has been much worse than in the past. I have been daydreaming about dying or disappearing. It seems morbid but is the truth.

Right now... I am drinking red wine on the porch, alone. The kids are passed out on the air matress inside. Everything is quiet. Bearable.