Swelltide.

I have never before felt my age. My brother's friends when I was younger used to refer to me as the thirty-year old. Now, I am thirty and am attending university for the first time in my life. I feel even more older than everyone around me.

We were separated into groups, with non-traditional students falling into their own group, which for whatever reason, I wasn't apart of. So, I walked around campus, for most of the day, with people ten years younger than me. It wasn't terrible, but wasn't what I was expecting. I said very little all day, other than when I played a few games that were designed to be icebreakers.

The anxiety that I experienced today was different than the kind that I'm used to. It wasn't the hundreds of strangers that bothered me. It was knowing that my ambitions were different than everyone else. Knowing that I didn't sign up to join clubs, or hang out in the student center. This isn't really a social thing for me at all. I'm not going to college for the 'college experience'. I was almost made to feel guilty for not desiring this kind of thing.

It was something that was talked about in therapy during my last session. Some people are natural introverts. That's me. I need time to recover from being around a lot of people, a lot of noise, a lot of distractions. Obviously, not an advantage in a university setting.

I don't know whats going to happen. I don't like it. I'm losing my health insurance soon. Maybe my medication, depending on how expensive it is. I'm probably going to go without therapy for the while.

I skipped the orientation dinner and the optional activities afterward. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it, but am feeling a little guilty that I wasn't feeling as excited as I should have to be there.