Swelltide.

Friday! Hello, weekend.

Sunday, I am meeting up with some guys at work.

We talked about my need to open up to people in therapy. I have shut myself off from others, because I feel like not everyone is deserving of my friendship-- which roughly translates into nobody is really deserving of my friendship. My girlfriend, who I met almost ten years ago, is the last person I think that I've opened up to. That I've let some walls down for.

Coping mechanisms are a big thing with bipolar. I hadn't realized how my inability to cope with life-stress had been affecting me. I've lived for two years with all of the things that were important to me, painting supplies-- books-- journals-- movies, packed away in boxes. I've had no way of unwinding. Life had become enjoyable and bland, because I hadn't allowed myself to enjoy anything.

Everyone in the last few years that I've met, has seemed either unapproachable or unworthy for friendship. I would find something not to like in people. I would find some reason not to get close to anyone. I will still struggle with this. I will probably always struggle with this. But, for now and for the sake of making some kind of progress-- I've decided to go ahead and meet up. Sunday. With some people I am not sure that I like.

I don't know if this comes from being bullied as a kid or being a depressed teenager and feeling like I didn't want to rely on anyone. Maybe both. Maybe there was something in my upbringing that kept me feeling like I couldn't get close to people. I really wish that this had been one of the things that I've been more analytical about throughout my life. I could have started working on this years ago. Why is letting go of bad habits or attitudes so hard?

I really hope that this does not come back to bite me. The people I work with have a tendency to talk.. about people. Which, is one of my biggest turn-offs in others. I haven't said anything about my bipolar diagnosis to anyone but a few at work that I feel like I can trust with the information. We'll see.