Swelltide.

So, therapy today... How did it go? I don't know. I came out of it... feeling the same, really.

What did we talk about? Family relationships-- my mom in particular. Nothing resolved. No real progress made. Maybe a group kind of session, which I'm not really interested in. Maybe, I need to give up completely on the notion that I will have the kind of relationship with my parents that I want. Which is something we touched on. What do I want? From my parents-- I don't know. A relationship of any kind would be nice. Something beyond, "Is everything okay? How are you doing?" It was a mistake renting this place from them. It was a mistake ever expecting more from them. It was a mistake thinking that things between us would change.

 The need to get sleep we talked about also, but here I am at eleven o' clock at night. No real progress. We talked about being sensitive to the environment. Everyday, normal stressors affecting me more severely than other people. No real progress. Don't get me wrong-- having someone to talk to that is unbiased-- is invaluable. I am frustrated, however, because I was expecting things to happen a little more quickly. We were supposed to talk about cognitive therapy. Changing the way I think about things, but there just wasn't enough time. We were going to talk about relaxation, and ways to focus and calm down, but there just wasn't enough time.

And, then a follow-up with the psychiatrist. No reactions to the medications? "Good. See you later. Start taking a higher dosage and get back to me."

This whole experience has been a little disappointing. I'm not sure what I was expecting to get out of it but I know this wasn't it.

Much of what I have learned about bipolar I have done on my own. Weeks of research. The learning about hypomania versus mania. Apparently, hypomania is my deal. So, I get the normal depressive moods without getting the full-blown mania part. The full down, without the full-up. Lucky me. Maybe I'll get some flack for even stating it that way, but what do I care? I can't even do bipolar right.

The girlfriend feels that I have been distant. This whole ordeal isn't fair. I've been so pissed off about being bipolar. Feeling crazy. Wanting to just curl up somewhere and forget that the world beyond my front door exists. I haven't been focusing on much else. Nothing in my life is going like I wanted it to.To deal with this, and then to have the guilt of not being the functional human being that I deserve to be. To not have the sanity to be able to give those around me what they need. It is getting old really fast, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it beyond pretending that I'm feeling okay. Beyond repressing the need to seek out some quiet, little space and fall asleep there for a while.

Not getting sleep is killing me. Not being able to say to people what I really think, is killing me. Not having the freedom to be the basket case that I am, is killing me. I want to firebomb my work, give everyone the finger, pack a few bags with clothes and drive off. Forget everyone and everything for a while. Park my car off the road in the desert and watch the sun go down. That is what I really need.  A break from reality. From life. A vacation from suddenly being this mentally ill, incompetent person who can't focus for three minutes to listen to someone talk about something outside of myself. Why is that so difficult?!