Swelltide.

Woke up. Threw some clothes on. Saw it wasn't raining, as I had been expecting, and grabbed some coffee, keys, put the dog on the porch, went back for the keys I left on the rail, checked the door to make sure the dog couldn't escape and zipped off to work.

My work phone and some equipment I needed were left at the house. I go out to the job and realized I didn't have them. I have a picture holding these things in my head. Was it from yesterday? The day before? Commence freak out. I had convinced myself that they were laying in a mud puddle somewhere. I ask a guy on the job about it, and he doesn't understand. I'm talking a thousand miles and hour.

I don't get it. I can't expect people around me to understand. This bipolar ordeal is confusing to me. Makes me angry, which makes me want to lock myself in a little room somewhere and throw paint all over the walls. Having little control over how you feel, how you talk. Narcolepsy would be so much easier!

I love to sleep.

I've been looking for stories about others who were recently diagnosed. To find out how they handle it. There isn't a whole lot out there. Many, many blogs that have been abandoned. A few forums. Nothing really personal. I don't know how to cope yet. How to deal. What to do when I'm clearly down, or when my mind is acting like a blender on high. I'm beginning to get really pissed off at myself. Even that! I don't know how to deal with.

Therapy tomorrow. I am excited, for answers. Scared, because I might find out some things that I don't like. Anxious-- because when aren't I? My girlfriend will be with me, and at least there is that.

So the phone? It was on the counter. I probably never picked it up in the first place. So, this is what crazy is like... an eighty year Alzheimer's patient, whose mind never shuts off.