Swelltide.

She said, "It is hard to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable."

I wanted to get defensive. I wanted to tell her that there are times, between the ups and downs, when I am feeling pretty good. That I am not always a basket case. I am not always asleep, or irritable. I am not always locked away in a little room, chain-smoking cheap cigarettes. I am not always walking back and forth because I can't find something that I've just set down somewhere. I am not always awake at three in the morning because I'm not tired.

The truth, though, is that most of the time I am-- one or more of those things.

This isn't fair to anyone, least of all for those people that need me. Need me to be organized. Thoughtful. Empathetic. Or anything in that long list of things that I can't be at the moment. Even normal things-- brushing my teeth, washing my clothes, doing the dishes-- seem to take a monumental amount of effort.

My job bores me, and I'm not payed well. Every day is the growing anticipation that I can go home, to peace and quiet, and be myself. But, I can disappear for an hour or two and no one cares. I can go park somewhere and take a nap. I can drive to the park and walk in the woods. No one even knows that I'm gone. The benefits to me outweigh the disadvantages, for now.

Where else can I go, that would deal with someone who can barely get himself out of bed in the morning? Where else would put up with me being aggressive at times. Quiet at times. Asleep in the car somewhere. Working for the government somewhere. Maybe, that is what I need-- a state job, behind a desk.