When I entered the 'real world' I knew intuitively to keep distance between me and my co-workers. They would not have been the kind of people that I would have been close to, anyway. I do joke around with them, and make small talk but I do not disclose anything about my private life. I am unsure of how friendships are even made anymore. I don't trust others to with information about myself. I don't know anyone that is like me, and as I grow older and gradually lose touch with those people that I used to be close to, I find that people around me are increasingly interested in things that I am not.
I do not have television. Well, I receive local channels via an antenna. While I watch PBS on occasion, other people are busy talking about reality shows. The older I get, the more men my age seem to enjoy football and seasonal sports. I don't. It bores me and seems to be the only thing that the guys at work talk about with any depth at all.
Distance, always. Separation. A constant reminder that I am not like them at all. I thought school may expose me to others with similar interests, but how can I relate to eighteen year-olds? I have a deep interest and love of science, and I have been disappointed by the superficial knowledge and interest that others seem to show in it-- and these kids are science majors. Welcome to the bible belt, where exists the ever-present distrust of science-- and very bizarre melding of a new kind of conservatism in young people. Maybe, I should have been an arts major. English major. I even gave some thought to accounting.
No one challenges themselves anymore. No one actually thinks about the things they thing about. No one questions anything.
I don't understand people. I do not have a desire to display my every movement and thought to the world on a 'social networking' site. I don't believe that most thoughts are even deserving of being spoken. There is no filter anymore. All meaningful conversation has been watered down. Public discourse now only involves the use of three-word slogans. Everyone thinks they are right.
I was sitting in physics class a few nights ago, and in front of me was a girl who continually checked her cellphone and refreshed her Facebook page. Why? She looked at photos, and wrote monosyllabic little words with a lot of exclamation points after them. It apparently, was worth missing a lecture for.
I have become the obnoxious elitist that secretly, and openly, scorns almost everyone around them. I am smarter than most people. I do actually read about something before forming an opinion on the topic. I think about things beyond what everyone else seems to be talking about. No one seems to anymore. I can't help but to wonder if American I.Q. scores are dropping like our education scores. I would be willing to bet that they are.
If you couldn't tell, I am feeling melancholy tonight. I am missing being a creature of self-discovery. I am missing things being new. I am missing being an extrovert who didn't question people's motives who was willing to carry on a conversation with anyone. I am like this when I am feeling manic, or hypomanic but it isn't the same. I miss people. I miss the time before the internet when people actually talked, and shared. When things weren't instantaneous. There was depth and irony and humor. Of course, I was happy then. And always the question-- was it that way because I wasn't unhappy and bipolar, or was really that way? Do I feel disconnected, or am I disconnected?
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