Swelltide.

I didn't mean to disappear for so long, but I've had a lot going on. Some much needed time alone with the girlfriend. We both skipped out of work. She's been dealing with a lot of stress and it finally caught up with her, I think. They've switched up her schedule at work and now we'll be seeing even less of each other. I gave her all the encouragement I could-- tried to convince her to leave her job. She's unappreciated, underpaid and she puts up with much more than I would.

It is a hard point to make to a workplace right now. That, sure, you could replace me and probably find some schmoe who has been out of work for a year or two, pay him less but they won't be up to snuff. Everyone sees dollar signs right now. Companies are squeezing employees for everything they can. It isn't fair, but what are you going to do? Leaving is your only real option-- that or drop out completely, as I plan on doing, and get more education.

It is summer, and that means an insane work-load for me-- so maybe soon I'll finally be caught up on some bills. Still no laptop, which makes this even harder. This computer can't do two things at once, and I don't have the patience to log on and wait. When I have things to get out of my addled brain, it needs to be right then.

The last couple of days, I have logged in and checked in. Read Sparta's last post. Thought about things. Would lose inspiration and just log off the computer.

"All around me are successful people, doing big things.  I know that I am more gifted than most of those people.  Yet, here I sit, bemoaning my pitiful self.  And I’m only pitiful because I’m too afraid to make a move."  

I have wanted so desperately to contact him. But, I wouldn't know what to say, really. Other than-- that statement-- has been the story of my life. I am a coward. I can't speak up when I need to. I can barely get myself to do the day to day things that seem simple to everyone else. The last long-term friendships that I've made, other than my girlfriend, were when I was fourteen. These people, whose parents had money for college, or have had the drive to push through life on their own-- now have children, or degrees or some concrete life-plan. All I have is a rented house from my parents and no real goal for the future other than finishing up with school.

A lot of people I work with, or have known in the past, consider me one of the smartest people that they've met. I don't mean to sound egotistical-- this I think is a defining trait of someone living with bipolar. I am a musician, I think abstractly, I paint and write-- I read books about theoretical physics, for fun. Thoughts are simple things, to me-- and action is so difficult.

I have done nothing with my life. I have accomplished little beyond working the same job for seven years-- coming home at the end of a long day (or short day) and plucking a few strings on the guitar. Watching television for hours, until I go to bed. I procrastinate. I am seemingly incapable of doing the simplest things-- the things that other people don't think twice about.  To make it all worse, I struggle with the guilt of this on a daily basis. That I have done nothing. That I have wasted so much time.

No therapy again until the 5th of July, and I feel kind of lost. I may have to break from my job-- or not. I may lose my insurance if that happens-- if that happens. I am trying to catch up on all of things I should have done weeks ago to get into school. The phone rings and I don't answer because I don't feel like talking. Every little action seems so monumental. Every little stress is blown way out of proportion. A depressive period, that seems like nothing, because I've lived this way my entire life.

So, yes. I think this is enough for now. More maybe in a day or two. Getting the laptop back, hopefully, tomorrow.