Swelltide.

Sparta, it's good to see you. I'm glad you've joined me. Your story has some similarities to mine and I'm glad you've decided to write with me here.

Today started off well. Woke up not too late or too early, tired as usual, but feeling pretty good overall. My girlfriend and I had a little trip planned. A two hour drive and a hike in the woods. A day off together.Nice weather. Not a lot of traffic.

When we hit the trail, we started walking up this incline. Trees. Roots. Rocks. Fairly steep. Twenty minutes or so, we come across a pile of poop in the trail. She doesn't want to keep going, convinced its bear poo. I sigh, and do everything I can to maintain. To stay patient and to stay calm, but it didn't last long.

I quietly loose it. I don't scream or yell at that moment. I just start walking back to the car. I take a few breaks for her to catch up and keep going.

I sit on a picnic bench near the car and smoke a few cigarettes. This is what I do when I get upset. Everything that I'm not supposed to do. I internalize everything. I don't speak when I need to. I don't get angry. I don't throw punches or scream. I just shut off.

I sit there thinking how nothing can just be easy. Nothing can go right. My parents said they would come with us hiking, and surprise-- they aren't there. My job sucks. I'm bored with everything. I am broke. I'm starting school in the fall, now dealing with bipolar, and learning what an emotional idiot I am.

This is the way it works for me. Every disappointment is more evidence, or just another example, of how everything just seems to disappoint me. I can't just go for a hike. I can't just have a job that I like. I can't have parents that are approachable and supportive. I can't have siblings or friends who take an active interest in my life. I can't just find another job. I can't finish my education as a fully functional human being. I can't have a new car that doesn't break or that I immediately have to put a bunch of money into. I can't...

This isn't fair to anyone, the way I deal with and handle things. None of these things that I'm thinking, I have actually spoken to anyone. My girlfriend, on the ride home says something along those lines. You can't have all of these things in your head and not say anything about them. At times, I am actually physically incapable of saying things-- I want to, but can't open mouth, can't speak up, can't say anything. It's the most frustrating thing in the world.

I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to do about it, really. Just let things out when I can.

I think a punching bag would be a great investment for me. My girlfriend, who was just an unwitting bystander today, is so great. She makes me talk. She makes me open up. I think that is what I need sometimes, because I am so used to people not giving a shit-- so, I don't say anything.