Sparta

I still can’t sleep like a regular person…

I’ve been in a weird place recently.  I’m not manic or energetic, but I’m not entirely depressed either.  I just have no desire to do anything remotely productive.  I’m finally going to apply for a job where a few of my friends work.  I’m not excited but at least I’ll be making money and won’t feel like an entire waste of space.  That will probably help my mood at least.

My mood is a funny thing.  It is definitely responsive to external stimuli, and I know that, but I sometimes I don’t put any effort into finding those positive stimuli.  That makes me feel lazy, but I bet the bipolar has something to do with it.  I usually have to leave my comfort zone to improve my mood, which has been really hard to do recently.  Sometimes it doesn’t even involve leaving my comfort zone.  Getting to bed at a reasonable time is really important.  I know this, but I don’t do it.  There are some pretty important things I need to do right now too.  For instance, I need to start working on my application to law school.  I need to find a new psychiatrist because mine is leaving.  I also need to get new sleeping medication and schedule a visit with my therapist.

It is just such a fight to get myself to do all of these things.  The longer I put them off, the harder it is to do them.  I’m ashamed that I haven’t scheduled an appointment or gotten new meds.  Those are super easy to do, but now it’s hard to face the reception lady.  That’s so completely irrational that it borders on the comical.  Still, I can’t do it.  It’s an internal struggle between what I know I should do and what I want to do.  Right now, the good guy is losing, and I have so much trouble turning things around. 

My mind hasn’t been sharp lately either.  I haven’t done much to stimulate it recently.  I’m taking an online class to finish my degree, but I just need the credits and took a super easy class to get them.  Therefore it is not a challenge at all.  I really enjoy intellectually stimulating stuff too.  It’s just that I’m too lazy to do anything that will, so I slip further into the abyss.

I’m stuck in this vicious circle.  Fall behind on work or bills or obligations and my mood declines.  As my mood declines, it becomes harder and harder to do those things that I know I must do.  Ignoring that voice nagging me to get to work only exacerbates the downward trend and so on.

You’re probably thinking that I really am in the middle of a definitively depressed state and am just in denial.  You would be wrong though.  I can get out of bed and function.  I could go for a run or hang out with friends or read a book.  I just don’t have any motivation to.  I’d rather sit around and play videogames, sadly.  I hope that I’ll begin to change that tomorrow.  I’ll let you know how that goes.

And glad to join you Swelltide.

Cheers,

Sparta