Swelltide.

I am being tested.

I don't really subscribe the concept of a divine power that pits you against nature, or intervenes in my life to make me a better person (as my therapist seems to believe). I struggle with the concept of God, in general. Life just has a way of throwing things in your path, at the times you least (or most, depending on your perspective) need them.

I haven't been working much recently. The weather has been rainy, and just when things begin to dry out, we get more rain. Which means, that I am not making much money. Which means that I have been sitting at home a lot, stressing out because I am not making any money. Stressing about not making money and asking myself the big questions.What do I want from life? Is therapy making me any better? Is the medication working? How am I going to pay for school? How am I going to pay for school when I'm not really making any money as it is? Could I really handle working full-time and going to school full-time? What if I go manic and flip out while I'm at school?

It is exhausting, worrying so much.

My laptop is broken. Which I don't really have money to fix, but which needs to be fixed-- because of the impending education. The hard drive that I purchased for data-backup is not working. It had all of the system recovery stuff, and the music that we've spent money, and pictures on it. Gone. Like the car that I purchased a few months ago, only to have to put it into the shop after just getting it. A thousand or so dollars to get back on the road. Like the T.V. we bought a while back that broke soon after. DVD players. Coffee pot. My guitar, that was a birthday present. Everything.

I can't have something new. I can't have a job with steady hours. I can't have something that isn't going to fall apart or stop working altogether. It is draining. It is exhausting.

Severe migraine yesterday, from the moment I woke up I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Throwing up. Laying in the dark. I have never had a migraine like it-- and I hope I never do again.

Therapy tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to it. Obviously have some things that I want to talk about and deal with. If only therapy could be a few days a week. Is it possible to get paid going to therapy?