Swelltide.

I haven't been posting like I want to, because my laptop is still getting worked on. Which leaves me with this ten year old PC, that I have to reboot to connect to the Internet and that likes to freeze up every time I press a button. Got my recovery disks in the mail today, so any day now I'll have the laptop back. Thank the lord.

Yesterday, therapy. It was a great session-- though, I am continually finding out what an emotional retard I am. Pushing people away, and keeping people at arm's length. Not letting anyone in.

We talked about a dream that I had a couple of nights ago (which is a therapy cliche, I know--) in which I was in an art class. There were twenty or so other people there, and this multifaceted mirror in the middle of the room. The teacher instructed us all to remove our clothes, sit in front of the mirror and draw ourselves in the nude. Obviously, a dream about revealing myself to the people around me. Letting people see me as I am. Looking at myself as I really am.

I don't do a whole lot of self-analysis. I try not to be critical of myself, and I try not to focus so much on the things that have happened to me in the past. If it becomes uncomfortable, I don't talk about it. I think about it, sometimes, but I don't talk about it. I sure as hell don't let anyone know that something is bothering me. While it is a healthy thing, to not dwell on the past-- it may not be so healthy to not think about it, or acknowledge it in the first place.

A big part of this, is that I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't want other people to have to deal with things that wear on me. Another part of it all, is that I don't like people, especially people that I don't know well, to know my business.

All of my attempts at opening up have seemed infantile. Immature. I simply don't know how. What a pitiful and painful thing to admit, that you don't know how to communicate things about yourself. My therapist though, tells me it gets easier to do the more you do it. I hope she is right.

I've been making some headway, but everything seems to progress so slowly. Eventually, work will be resentful of my taking an hour out of the week off. Eventually, I may lose my insurance altogether. But who knows?! Eventually... anything could happen.

I have had no major episodes of mania recently, though for me it might not happen often anyway. I have been sleeping better, and eating better. Taking my vitamins. Eating my greens. When things settle down, I may give quitting smoking a shot.