Swelltide.

Not really tired. Took a nap when I got home. Long and boring day at work.

Met with my psychiatrist-- she seems happy with the level of medication I am on. Surprised that it is working so well, so soon. We've talked about some kind of antidepressant-- but I am not ready. Not her recommendation, but mine.

Depression is much easier for me. I have lived with it in on a daily basis since my teens. I know things to do to drag myself up a little bit. I know how to kick myself in the butt when I need to. Sometimes, it doesn't work. Sometimes it does. Depression doesn't scare me-- bipolar does.

This might change. It probably will change. I don't want to start on a lot of medications when I may be losing my insurance soon. School soon. Maybe changing my job soon. That is why I am not ready. A smaller part of my hesistation is the junkie mentality-- I don't really know life without meloncholy. Living with depression, though it doesn't make life any easier for me, is all that I've known as an adult. It is hard to see things any other way.

Tonight, I feel isolated. I feel shut-off from the world.

I have been thinking about my inability to form real bonds with people the last couple of days. I meet people, get invited out. To parties, to the bars, to a cook-out-- whatever. I decline. This happens until they give up. I don't disclose anything about myself to others. Other than my girlfriend-- and some things that she knows about me, took me years to tell her. I don't find joy in people anymore.

I don't know what to do with this-- elitism, fear of vulnerability, anxiety. I don't know how to fix it. We talk about it a lot in therapy, but it all has a tendacy to come full circle.