Swelltide.

I've been spending every night, for the last hour or two, in this frenzy. Things I haven't done, things that need to be done, things I've been putting off. It all apparently needs to be in order for me to go to sleep, which I haven't gone much of the last couple of nights.

I am in this weird, mixed-state, upswing. Can't sleep. Irritable. Feeling the need to get things done, even when it isn't necessarily to best time to do them. Like, midnight. Keep thinking about things. Stupid things. Little things.

Written the university several times and can't get in touch with anyone. I need to have academic advising before I can register for classes, which began last month. Feels like it is always this way for me. A wedding soon at the house, and I have a junk car in the yard I am trying to get rid off. Can't get anyone to call me back to schedule an appointment. Looking for things, documents and papers and can't ever find them right off. Have to search for a half of an hour, before I find it somewhere out in the open. In plain sight.

Therapy today was good, but rough. I've been dealing with a lot of anger, frustration. Being manic, or hypomanic or whatever. Thinking about family things. Woe-is-me kind of things. I've moved beyond the not acknowledging, not wanting to deal with stuff to being really pissed off. My therapist noticed right off that I seemed a little distracted and unsettled. Been laying in bed at night not being able to turn my mind off, or relax enough for sleep. I need for something to happen. I need to make some kind of headway on all of the things I've been thinking about, or have been planning to do.

I hate Limbo.

I swear the next person at work who asks me if I'm okay is going to get poked in the eye. I want to ask, "What do you care?"

I am a ball of contradictions. I want to be left alone but want someone to care. I want peace and quiet, but when I have it, all I can do is worry and anticipate. I want to draw, paint, create... but feel uninspired. I want to be able to fall asleep without rolling around in bed for a few hours first. I want for things to happen, but procrastinate. Like, I think, many people with bipolar or depression-- I war with myself, and then feel this immeasurable guilt about all of my shortcomings, and about being mad at myself in the first place.

The good news though, is that I've made some headway in organizing the home. I've been working on some things in my control, for a change. Got some things of the floor, and moved some furniture around. Doing something with all of this energy. But, I've had to deal with being awake at three in the morning, fretting about things and being irritable all of the time.