Swelltide.

Some advice for anyone dealing with a recent diagnosis of bipolar; Go to therapy. Heal. Change negative thought patterns that you have. Bipolar alone is daunting. There is still so much about it that I don't know, or feel like I don't know well. I don't fully understand things that I think, or feel. Not all of the time. Having a major hurt, or void or want in your life will only exaggerate the already erratic behavior and thoughts that causes those of us with bipolar to have. I would recommend therapy though, to anyone.

Therapy today. Told work about school-- my boss and my bosses' boss. Am finished registering for classes, but not without a couple of hiccups. Big day.

Things are moving, which relieves so much stress and worry. School is going to happen-- work be damned. Because of some of things that I've thought about, talked about and worked on, in therapy-- I am in a much better place to try to tackle all of this. Progress comes very slowly sometimes, but I've done everything I can to orient myself. I have a goal. A plan. Now, I just need to follow through, even if that means that I lose out on sleep and haven't much time to dedicate to anything else.

I have come to believe that, the things we want most, if we really want them and focus the thoughts and energy on it that it deserves-- it will happen. Confidence is a strange thing. We can trick ourselves into having it, until we really believe it. I know this.

Those things that we do not get, that we really want, we do not get because on some level we feel like we don't deserve them. It has taken me seven years to get back into school, after many excuses to myself, because I never really felt like I deserved a better education. There are so many more things that work into this, in many ways, but that is really what it all comes down to for me.

I moved around and changed schools a lot as a kid.

It seems utterly ridiculous to talk about the things that happened to you as a kid when you're almost thirty years old. But, the saying that time heals all wounds is completely wrong. The things that stay with us the most-- thought patterns and feelings about ourselves or religious ideology, the view we have about the world itself-- are formed when we're children. I had a lot of hesitation about therapy initially because there were things that I didn't want to think about. I didn't want to give anymore energy to. The childhood stuff.

The things you don't want to think about, acknowledge or deal with are the things we need to give thought to.

Anyway. I moved around a lot as a kid. I never had much time to make lasting friendships. The most time I've spent in one place was a little under four years and there, I went to two different schools. Throw in harassment, bullying and culture-shock. I don't allow people to get close to me. I want it more than anything in the world, but it doesn't happen because I don't believe that I deserve it. The end.

When you know what it is that is really bothering you. What you really want. It becomes much easier to get it. My girlfriend could testify to this. I actually talk about things, now.

Therapy today was great. Weird session, but good. We talked a lot about metaphysical things. Things I believe or don't believe. It put my therapist in a rough spot. She is a lot more new-agey than she lets on (and now, maybe I am too, more than I would like to admit). It could get her in a lot of trouble, as the counseling service is predominately a Christian organization and the therapists must subscribe to certain world views. I would fight for her to stay, if it came to that but I would never want to endanger any one's job.